tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-77226282755208783772024-03-05T03:41:15.519-06:00Super Stories from the World of HodgkinsI began this blog when I was diagnosed with Hodgkin lymphoma in December 2008, and it has now morphed into the life and musings of a post-apocalyptic cancer survivor. Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.comBlogger91125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-63337349770292472872014-12-26T02:10:00.000-06:002014-12-26T02:14:23.466-06:00Catharsis, or "Hey, Look What The Cat Dragged In!"<div style="text-align: justify;">
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Wow. Yet again, I have found myself procrastinating on
posting anything new. An entire year this time. This is the curse of writing a blog. There is no fire
under my ass to get something written. I always think I’m going to break
that cycle and be all gung-ho about it but instead, I find a pint of ice cream
and something interesting on TV. Before I realize what is going on, it’s been
several months and I start to criticize myself for the lack of motivation.
Writers are notorious for procrastinating. In fact, “procrastinator” is a
synonym for “writer.” No, really. It is. Google it. <br />
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">OMG. Long post. Get popcorn and a beer. </span></b></div>
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I originally had planned to post something I have already
written but in light of recent incidents involving celebrity suicide and some
very dear friends having difficulties with depression, I am going to skip a
“Revelation” and explore something else entirely. This has taken on a new sense
of urgency since I think this might help some people who are dear to me
understand that they are not alone and that they have choices as so many care
about and for them. I also realize the holiday season can be incredibly difficult for those of us that are dealing with tough times.<br />
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I do want to touch on something first that is a topic in my next Revelation post. Most of you know that Husband left me over two years ago.
The divorce process seems to be stagnating and unfortunately, there is nothing
I can do about it until I can gather enough cash to pay my attorney to get it
over with. That doesn’t mean that I haven’t moved on as much as I possibly can.
On January 13<sup>th</sup>, 2013, I went on a date. With a man. A man who turned out to be the
stuff dreams are made of. He picked me up for that date and the second I sat down in
his car and he grinned at me, I was done for. We met on a dating website and
chatted via text/email for about a week, getting to know random factoids about
each other before we met in person. Our first date was incredible. He was - and
still is - so perfect. I couldn’t help thinking he just HAD to be too good to
be true. He possessed so many attributes that I find attractive – smart, sexy,
affectionate, hilarious, a talented musician and writer, tall and blue-eyed,
tattoos, likes good beer and good restaurants, loves his dog, gentlemanly
without being a prude, avid reader, passionate…this is an endless list. I could
be here all night talking about how perfect he is. Seriously. I was smitten
from day one. The in-depth analysis is the subject of another post. LOOOOONG
story short, we dated for about six months before moving in together. We are
still together and I can honestly say that finding him has been the best thing
that has ever happened to me. The circumstances and timing were perfect. I love
him with all of my heart and soul and every single day, I’m in awe of how
things fell together so perfectly, as though the universe was directing us to
each other like a traffic cop during rush hour. I hope that he knows that. Had
I done a single thing different in my life, I would never have met him. All the
heartache, all the strife, every struggle has led me to him and I wouldn’t
change a thing. I wish I could go back to the Nic from three years ago and tell
her that her pain and sacrifice would be worthwhile. I would absolutely do
everything all over again without hesitation knowing that he would be waiting
for me at the end of it. I am quite possibly the luckiest woman alive and there
is not a day that goes by that I don’t remember that. I don’t take a single
moment for granted. I now understand why things didn’t work out with anyone
else – and I’m happy they didn’t. There is no one else on this planet I would
rather be with. </div>
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SO…with that said, I think that there may be more than a few
of you who are wondering what the hell transpired in December of last year
(2013). I’ve made no secret of the fact that I struggle with depression and
self-harm. I have battled substance abuse for a hefty portion of my life. All
of these things intensified when Husband left me and the path of healing has
not been easy. I falter now and then. Healing isn’t a destination – it’s a
journey. There is no end to this journey. While I have accepted that this will
always be a facet of my life, I have refused to allow it to define me; however,
I no longer hold any unrealistic expectations of how things should be. To get
right to the point: I had a massive nuclear meltdown at the beginning of
December, 2013. There was no specific reason. I simply think that I had been
internalizing so many things for so long that something normally insignificant
pushed me right over the edge and Nic lost her damn mind. I picked a fight with Boyfriend, gathered a bunch of random things together along with my two dogs, and holed
up in a hotel room for three days. I turned my phone off so I wouldn’t have to talk
to anyone. I proceeded to get and stay completely shitfaced drunk and on the
third day, something transpired that prompted someone to call 911. I still
don’t know if it was me that called or if it was another hotel guest or perhaps
the management. There is a huge chunk of that weekend that I have absolutely no
recollection of. Details were explained to me later on: When law enforcement
arrived, they had to break down the door because I was inappropriately responsive--as in, giving answers that were out of context with the questions I was being
asked. They found me in the bathroom, crying, surrounded by a shit ton of empty
beer and wine bottles, bleeding from several self-inflicted cuts on my arms and
legs. An ambulance was summoned to take me to the hospital for medical
attention, which I apparently tried to jump out of while it was moving. The
hospital staff had a difficult time with me as I was rather combative but they
did manage an examination of the multiple lacerations, one of which required
nine stitches. Most of the smaller ones were closed with skin glue and one
developed a mild infection. They then sent me to the county behavioral health
unit which I will hereafter refer to as “43C” as that was the unit designation.
I was “detained” as opposed to “involuntarily committed” as the medical and
psychiatric staff felt I was a danger to myself. Despite my protests, I spent
two of the worst days of my life there. If prison is anything like 43C, I would
rather go out Thelma and Louise style than serve a sentence. I had to ask for
someone to unlock the bathroom door every time I had to take a piss, showers were supervised, and meal times were set and...interesting. There were
people there that probably should have been somewhere else. I had to wait long
periods of time for the overworked staff to provide answers to the questions I had. It was difficult for me to
get a hold of anyone to let them know where I was. I had not slept well the
weeks leading up to this incident and I barely slept at all while I was there.
Luckily, it was determined that I no longer posed a threat to myself or anyone
else and I was released on the evening of the second day after the psychiatrist
battled with the court all afternoon to ensure my release. I do have to admit that I met some very genuine professionals there and despite the fact that they deal with some absolute SHIT, they still find it within themselves to care about their fellow humans who are simply having a rough time.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The part of the whole situation that I still
to this day have difficulty dealing with (and a massive amount of guilt over)
is this: my dogs, Cody and SaeDee, ended up at the local animal control
facility. I always leave emergency contact information written plainly on a
piece of paper on the in-room desk at every hotel I stay at. Always. This was
no exception. I do very clearly remember begging the police officers that
responded to contact my parents to pick up my dogs. This was not done. The only
reason anybody knew anything about what transpired was that both of my dogs are
microchipped and their registration information is up to date. Animal control
called my mom as she was the backup contact listed. My mom called Boyfriend,
who picked them up and was able to sort out where I was and what had happened
after the psychiatrist who initially admitted me to the hospital called him. In
the days that followed my release, I found that I was missing an enormous
amount of personal property that I had brought into the hotel room with me but
didn’t make it out when Boyfriend picked my things up – clothing, makeup, my
iPod, even my glasses and several pairs of underwear. Someone had to go rifling
through my things – opening suitcases, makeup cases, and totes - in order to
remove these items.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>The hotel management
was less than helpful – in fact, the GM was evasive and downright hostile. I
reached out to their corporate management to no avail. Local law enforcement,
while they did confiscate a large sum of cash from the room for safekeeping
(which was returned to me within a few days), offered up no help and even
attempted to accuse Boyfriend of theft. There was never a single follow up to
either situation and rather than stew and stress about it, I chalked it up to a
learning experience: people suck and there are those who will take advantage of
others who are in crisis for their own personal gain. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
Some BIG changes resulted from this situation. I had to
re-evaluate my physical, mental and emotional health and found that I was again
attempting to bury some things that desperately needed my attention. That was
NOT okay. My coping skills are exactly shit and always have been. For a very,
VERY long time, I did not understand that. It takes a focused effort on my part
to make myself look at the issues that trouble me and deal with them in a
healthy manner. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
I have so many questions about some of the things that have
transpired in my life – questions that will never be answered, at least not in
a manner that will allow me some peace. I am learning to be okay with that. Sometimes, there are things that are not for us to know or not even meant for us at all. I
have found that sometimes the whys and hows of things that happen, especially
the things that are completely out of my control, are irrelevant. The need for
explanation is counter-productive. What is far more important is how I react
and what kind of attitude I maintain. When I accept these things, I OWN them
and that frees me to focus on moving on.They do not own me. I am not controlled by my past – I
learn from it and take those lessons into the future with me. A lot of things
still haunt me and occasionally, old feelings of insecurity and helplessness
rise up and ruin my day. I KNOW this will happen. I am not going to deny myself
those feelings because doing so is how I ended up in such a very dark place for
so very long. I know it’s coming and I can now prepare myself with the necessary
tools to work through it; however, I still have a long way to go in learning to
cope in a more healthy manner. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
So here’s a touchy and taboo subject: suicide. I have to use
both hands to count the number of times that I have or someone close to me has
been affected by suicide and that is just unacceptable to me. Don’t get me
wrong – I have definitely been in such a dark, lifeless place where I felt that
not existing HAD to be better than the life I was living. The recent deaths of
some well-known celebrities (Robin Williams, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Heath
Ledger) seem to have prompted some widespread awareness of the issue of mental
health and substance abuse. A very dear friend of mine recently lost her mother
and stepfather to a murder-suicide after a lengthy and difficult divorce
process. He was severely bipolar and had not been receiving treatment. Another
friend of mine has been touched by the suicides of two friends who were young adults
– between 18 and 20 years of age. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Dr.
Sophia Yin – a renowned, highly respected veterinarian and animal behaviorist
who changed the way we handle animals in the clinical setting as well as how we
train and develop our patients and companions – also took her own life
recently. So…is this something that is occurring with more and more frequency?
Is the topic of mental health receiving more attention than it has in the past?
Are suicides being reported appropriately and more often? I’m not sure of the answers to these
questions but do believe that all three lend a hand to the fact that suicide
seems so much more prevalent than even ten or twenty years ago. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
I think that keeping the avenues of communication regarding
mental health open is an important step in unraveling the stigma and harsh
judgment surrounding mental health issues. People often don’t seek help out of
fear or shame – they are afraid that they will be judged negatively or seen as
weak if they make it known that they are having a difficult time. The most
difficult part of the path is the reaching out – the event that is often seen
as the moment a person exposes his or her vulnerability and opens themselves up
to harsh judgment. Humans can certainly be awful creatures and our treatment of
each other during hard times can often demonstrate a level of awfulness that is
completely repulsive. My question is this: How is mental health any different
than physical health? People with, say, bipolar depression aren’t any more in
control of their illness than someone with hypothyroidism is. In both cases,
there is a fundamental disruption in an organ or organ system not caused by a
conscious choice on the part of the person. Perhaps this issue lies in our
understanding of the physiology at work: we know an awful lot about the way a
thyroid functions and the body systems that are affected by its action. In
comparison, we know so little about the nervous system and how it controls, integrates
with and is affected by the many physiological processes that occur in humans.
We know even less about this in our fellow creatures. As humans, we tend to
fear things that we do not understand. I won’t pretend to even THINK that I
know how we as a species can try to expand our understanding of such an
intricate topic as mental health but I do know that the veil of secrecy and shame
needs to be lifted, somehow. We are all stuck on a giant rock together, hurtling
through space at unimaginable speeds. We owe it ourselves and to our fellow
humans to at least try since we all need to exist with one another. Whatever we need to do to make the trip tolerable for ourselves and for others...we should do.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
In the meantime, I would like to say this to my friends,
family, and readers: I know that we all have times when we struggle mentally
and emotionally. Sometimes we become overwhelmed and without the proper tools,
we can descend into a very dark place that some of us never return from. This
does not make us weak. It makes us HUMAN. As much as we try to be, we are NOT
machines. We are judged on baseless merits and false claims about our
suitability for survival every day. Those judgments often come from people we
love and/or respect. Those are the harshest and it’s nearly impossible to not
take it personally. If you take anything from what I write here, I hope it’s
this: You ARE important. You DO matter. Yes, there ARE people who would miss
you if you were not around. I know it can feel like that is not true but it
surely is. Do not be ashamed to ask for help. There is a considerable amount of
strength behind the act of seeking support from our fellow humans. Do not be
discouraged by setbacks in your journey. These are learning opportunities. Through
them, we learn just how tough we can really be and are then able to build upon
that strength. It’s important to realize that as sentient beings, we frequently
fall prey to our own unreasonable standards as well as subject others to similar
unreasonable standards. Properly equipped, we can navigate through the false
disappointment this often brings and recognize that we are passing an unfair
judgment. Absent these skills, we perpetually kick others’ or our own asses. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
The path to healing begins with YOU. Take that first step.
Reach out to someone you trust – I realize this is the thing we become hung up
on. It’s a scary step, no doubt about that. The people you care about care
about YOU. We are not meant to travel our paths alone. If you feel that you
simply cannot trust anyone with that step, there are SO MANY resources
available for us to seek a neutral third party. Sometimes that is more
comfortable and there is not one thing that is wrong with that. I will list
some resources here – some that I or others have found helpful. YOU MATTER.
Don’t forget that. Ever.<br />
<br />
Remember to take some time for YOU this holiday season. You are just as important as everyone else.<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
</div>
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: center;">
<h2>
<b>Some helpful resources:</b></h2>
<br />
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-18994316992091581732013-11-23T13:46:00.000-06:002013-11-23T14:08:57.661-06:00Revelation Series: #3: "Good Enough"<div style="text-align: justify;">
...we are now at the THIRD in my Revelation series! It's about damn time for another one, aye?? That is the best--and worst--part of using a blog as a venue for expression: no deadlines. Creativity can flow without pressure or obligation. Maybe that means LOTS of posts. Maybe that means SPORADIC posts. Maybe that means I will nap on the couch.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsaU5vbTWxXHiuWCcvNn7Syj3RfnJE3IGRdmpOE6mzj1rPYar__ToDAxsZr1zSTerm6vCY4dvrpx1CXUgrx8B2KE9tQH_-I_-lkAh6lz8EaRI3BZq3oqiYc0BG37M_frx9AGplSMWYVP9R/s1600/1331923161599_760411.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="224" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjsaU5vbTWxXHiuWCcvNn7Syj3RfnJE3IGRdmpOE6mzj1rPYar__ToDAxsZr1zSTerm6vCY4dvrpx1CXUgrx8B2KE9tQH_-I_-lkAh6lz8EaRI3BZq3oqiYc0BG37M_frx9AGplSMWYVP9R/s320/1331923161599_760411.png" width="320" /></a></div>
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<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;">Disclaimer</span>: This is a post that I started at the beginning of January of this year but was, for some reason, completely abandoned. Sad. So much has happened since then but that's for another post. </b></div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This one I am going to start off with an excerpt from my journal. I'm going to preface this by admitting to something--in the process of working through these "revelations" and all the other things I have on my plate, I faltered. It happens. I don't hold myself to some unrealistic expectation that I am 100% fine and healed and the BEST PERSON EVARRRR. I don't forbid myself to do anything under threat of shame, nor do I beat the shit out of myself when I do something dumb. I make mistakes but I OWN that shit. I allowed just enough doubt to creep in that I messed up and didn't remember that I am fluid--a work-in-progress. Yes, folks...I cut again. I am fine, the wound has healed, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. I'm not proud of it but not shameful, either. Shame is how I came to where I felt I needed to do that in the first place. Shame does not have a top ranking spot in why I do the things I do. It (obviously) does affect things from time to time. I wrote this right around the same time I decided to cut and one might take notice of the emotion here and make a connection or two. Just for the record, I am NOT justifying my actions. I am providing background as to what was going through my head when I made the choice I did. </div>
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #274e13;"><span style="font-size: small;"><i>"I'm alone, my self confidence is in the shitter, and I'm terrified I'm going
to continue to fail even though I realistically have nothing left to lose. It
is in these situations where people like me become convinced that no one would
miss them if they shuffled off the face of the planet. I have gone from social
butterfly who wasn't entirely happy but knew who she was and overflowed with
the confidence to be able to right the wrongs in her life to...someone whose
phone rarely rings anymore aside from bill collectors, who shuts herself in all
day and can barely find a reason to crawl out of bed, much less get dressed and
leave the house. What the fuck is the point of this? This isn’t how things were
supposed to be. I’m supposed to be HAPPY. I’m supposed to be STABLE. I’m
supposed to feel confident that the people I keep around me will freely lift me
up, not drag me down. All the choices I have made in my life were in support of
all that. Yet…here I am. It doesn’t make sense. I have busted my ass to be…where
I am? THIS is what I get for my efforts?? What the fuck? I’d be in exactly the
same place had I done absolutely nothing and not worked nearly as hard or
sacrificed as much as I have. As if everything I do will NEVER be <b>good enough</b>
and I will always end up exactly where I don’t want to be. What’s the fucking
point if I keep coming back to this? I can tell myself over and over again that
I am a good person, that if I keep getting up when I get knocked down and
persevere that the good things will happen and my life will be exactly what I
want it to be. It’s all fiction. All lies. Over and over I come to find that
despite my best efforts, I am still sick and miserable and still being shit on
by people I thought I could trust. Always back to the same thing."</i></span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
I was in a BAD place. A huge part of my revelation was this: </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="color: #990000;"><u><b>I had been making decisions and choices about my life for all the wrong reasons.</b></u></span> </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It happens. Sometimes the motivation behind our choices turns out to not be what we really thought it was. Something happens and we receive a Gibbs slap upside the head and we think to ourselves, "Holy shit...I had that all wrong." Let me explain. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
In the last ten years, I have made a few decisions that didn't turn out so well. At the time, I thought I was making those decisions to better myself, better my situation, enrich my life, and because I honestly thought the motivation to do these things was mine. I totally ignored the big, blaring red letters that plainly spelled out the biggest reason I was doing those things: <span style="color: red;">I was trying to earn the pride and respect of someone.</span> My first choice of a career, my move to the Midwest, buying a house, going back to school, getting married, all HUGE choices I made for the wrong reasons. I'm NOT saying the choices themselves were wrong; I'm saying that the reasons behind why I made them were fraudulent. I lied to myself, big time, and convinced myself that I was making those choices of my own independent thought--because they were good choices for ME and they were truly what I wanted for myself. That wasn't even close--I was making those choices because, somewhere deep down, I thought it was what was expected of me. I thought by doing so, I would HAVE to be respected then. I mean...I'd be doing what I thought these others wanted me to do! They would be proud, would they not? I'd be doing what they always said was the right thing! That's respectable!</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="font-size: large;">...NO...</span></b></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-family: Times,"Times New Roman",serif;">...it is NOT respectable. All of those choices I made ended in disaster. The reason? Because I chose to do those things for reasons that had very little, if anything, to do with ME. I was doing those things because I thought it would make somebody else happy, not because I thought it would make ME happy. They were tough decisions that resulted in a lot of work for me; because I was doing all that work for someone other than myself, there is no way I could have been successful at any of those endeavors. </span></span></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br />
<br />
It has NEVER ONCE occurred to me that this was the criteria I had been using to base my most important decisions on. The desire for this kind of approval had apparently become so ingrained as
to be almost a subconscious rule. It wasn't until a recent conversation that it
dawned on me how misplaced my motivation had been and how much effort I had wasted.
This person gave me the biggest wake-up call of my life. The short
version of the conversation, which are the things that I took from it, is as follows:<br />
<br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
"You are a disappointment. You cannot make a single good decision. I don't
respect the person that you are because you are not the person I think you
should be. You are sloppy. The reason that you struggle is because you don't do
what I think you should do. Because of this, you will always need my help to extricate yourself from your troubles and I will make sure that you know your troubles are caused by
the fact that you cannot make wise decisions about your life. You think and act
like you are better than everyone else when you're not. You have a piss-poor
attitude about taking advice from me. Your friends are worthless because I
don't understand them or even take the time to get to know them. It would be
pointless for me to even try because they are all clearly inferior. I don't
know why you continue to place so much emphasis on your friends--it's not like
they're family. You take stupid risks in your life rather than playing it safe
by listening to ME and doing what I think you should. All I am trying to do is
help you avoid the trouble I KNOW you are going to get yourself into. Only I
know what is best for you. You clearly don't because here you are with no job,
no money, no college degree, no home of your own, a failed marriage, poor
health, and ruined credit." </div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvEZPb6lsLIS8CWtgeGH4bPR7aJ9hgsNiIXOO1lQiI2olf8b8Rh0fOESzGc9l9ujhL-6dukiQCThtkBnFfjs8ozjMH0qAjdcMT-K6ps1ksKTPPdHSQ4lsrrKB3vvHnP7aJObzw_5ODNKw/s1600/just_broken_heart_01large.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="256" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipvEZPb6lsLIS8CWtgeGH4bPR7aJ9hgsNiIXOO1lQiI2olf8b8Rh0fOESzGc9l9ujhL-6dukiQCThtkBnFfjs8ozjMH0qAjdcMT-K6ps1ksKTPPdHSQ4lsrrKB3vvHnP7aJObzw_5ODNKw/s320/just_broken_heart_01large.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<div style="text-align: center;">
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<br />
All I have ever wanted from this person is to hear that he or she was proud of me, that he or she would support my endeavors as long as I
felt confident that it was the right path for me and be supportive of
the things that I am passionate about, that he or she would always be my
cheering squad. I can't remember the last time I heard from this
person "I'm proud of you! That's great! I'm so excited for
you! Tell me all about it!" My passions have always gone mostly
unacknowledged. This person does not understand why I will always choose the path
that makes me happy rather than the path that brings me material wealth,
especially when those are two completely different paths. The saddest
part of all is that I also married someone like this.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpAj10bJReKDnLzNW3GSFpCM8Yfu122KhBvFIoCylZCK3UWCU4zdZm5hAcflPO_b7x8pFFF1vPIhJdCaGxM97PRor7g7y9vEmaNIAwb1RIt3zKxQdWLjQ3955WHJH7bSlg7yFEufjyY0-l/s1600/house-built-on-sand.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="233" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpAj10bJReKDnLzNW3GSFpCM8Yfu122KhBvFIoCylZCK3UWCU4zdZm5hAcflPO_b7x8pFFF1vPIhJdCaGxM97PRor7g7y9vEmaNIAwb1RIt3zKxQdWLjQ3955WHJH7bSlg7yFEufjyY0-l/s320/house-built-on-sand.png" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Arial,Helvetica,sans-serif;"><span style="font-size: small;">This part of my revelation shook me to my core. To find that the queen's castle was built upon sand, well, made the castle collapse. I have since forced myself to re-evaluate the way I make decisions. It often means taking more time to make the decision but at least I come to a logical conclusion. <span style="line-height: 115%;">I have been shackled by the expectations and
demands of others for too long and I’m done with it. This really IS all about me now. </span></span></span><br />
<br />
SO...more to follow, of course. Hopefully I'll stop being such a slug and squeeze posts in more often than once a year. The holidays are coming up and I'm sure that I will have a holiday rant or seven.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCt2RYJWTJeMk3iwg8Qx_fbuVg9Z4-f8S3G9gUi8MOLEpYzGM052AYrdIjQlpYstO-oUPaOaESNTJEdp2XEdkmnaIvDUP5DFUnVuWQFfQk90pod3DQkV8dEZgzYa_GzagGaYKQH165clt1/s1600/tistheseason.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCt2RYJWTJeMk3iwg8Qx_fbuVg9Z4-f8S3G9gUi8MOLEpYzGM052AYrdIjQlpYstO-oUPaOaESNTJEdp2XEdkmnaIvDUP5DFUnVuWQFfQk90pod3DQkV8dEZgzYa_GzagGaYKQH165clt1/s1600/tistheseason.jpg" /></a></div>
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-33555347662306850712012-12-21T00:07:00.000-06:002012-12-21T14:48:47.855-06:00Revelation Series: #2<div style="text-align: justify;">
I wanted to post a little bit sooner but ended up getting pulled back to MN for absolutely no reason. The trip wasn't a complete waste, though, for a few reasons. I will keep those reasons to myself until I can reflect more upon them/am ready to share.<br />
<br />
Even though I realistically have a TON of people that I desperately want to thank for various reasons, I would like to take a second to thank a few of those people without actually
thanking them. Three people this past week agreed to put their
reputations on the line to support me in my job search, without so much
as a second thought. I cannot express to these people how much it means
to me that they would do this because it also means they are confident
that what they say about me will not reflect poorly on them or on me.
You three know who you are--<u><b>THANK YOU</b></u>. I also need to
thank one person who has already done so much for me without realizing
it--this person has opened up their home to me, provided non-judgmental
insight, and has been willing to provide as much support as I can
comfortably allow (and then some) for no other reason (well, no other
reason that is apparent to ME) than this person feels it's the right
thing to do. This person also turned my attention to a book they felt
might be useful for helping me work through some of these revelations I
am stumbling through and it really IS helping. Regardless of where we
find ourselves down the road, I will forever be grateful for and
appreciative of this person and the fact that they came into my life
when they did--<u><b>THANK YOU.</b></u> Yeah, YOU. You know who you are. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This one isn't necessarily a "new" idea or an earth-shattering, insightful revelation but more like something I DO every day that I have recently found a new application for. Sometimes our revelations direct us to a new way of applying an old idea rather than being something totally novel to us and this is one of those. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
...I stole some of this from a text conversation with a friend. I don't think that person will mind. The rest comes from an old journal entry. I will apologize in advance for those who don't like to read tons--this is a doozy! </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
It's far more difficult to actually DEAL with our troubles than it is to simply sweep them under the proverbial rug and move on, or medicate them, or do destructive things to bury them so deep we don't think about them. We don't like to be reminded that occasionally, we fail at things that we are confident we should succeed at and fall short of our own expectations. Sometimes the people in our lives fall short of our expectations and when those people are close to us, we take it personally. The reward in dealing with our troubles, failures, and shortcomings is found in confronting them and beating them down with logic, pragmatism, and a little bit of selfish pride. This is truly the only way we will EVER grow into whomever it is we are destined to become. </div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
We are all on some kind of path; there is a person in the future that we are supposed to be and a place in the universe that we are supposed to fit into. ALL OF US. Why the hell else would we even be here if we didn't belong here? Many of us go through the motions in our lives, avoiding this confrontation. Why? Because it's easy! Because the path of confrontation is difficult and fraught with the dangers of being disappointed, not getting what it is we think we want/deserve, defying and tearing down old ways of thinking and sometimes even the foundations upon which we have built our entire being. That shit is scary! When we fail to recognize that the confrontation is necessary and we allow fear to direct our growth, we then begin to descend into a (metaphorical) dark, nasty-ass cave that becomes progressively more difficult to escape from as we continue to avoid confronting our "demons." What we don't realize is that our demons reside in this cave and they become progressively more nasty the deeper we descend. Some of us have some VERY DEEP FRICKEN CAVES and it turns out that I am one of those. Bats won't even hang out in my cave. Mordor closed off the entrance, even.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://files.myopera.com/Driftkingwaiko/albums/2371841/Wall-8-angel-demon-jpg.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://files.myopera.com/Driftkingwaiko/albums/2371841/Wall-8-angel-demon-jpg.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
This is something I am excerpting from my journal--I wrote this several months ago when I began to understand that I was interfering with my own progress of becoming who I am REALLY supposed to be, simply by being afraid to confront my demons and drag my ass out of the cave. Yeah, it's one huge metaphor, I know...but metaphors help us relate complex ideas to something a little easier to understand. I'm intelligent but that doesn't mean I always "get it," especially when it comes to what is lurking in my cave.</div>
<div style="text-align: justify;">
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<b>"…you fall into this dark place, a place where light doesn’t
reach. The deeper you go, the less you want to try to crawl back to the light
as the descent was difficult enough, so you assume that the laws of physics
apply here and the ascent will be even more difficult. You may take a step or
two towards the light only to be pulled back by the dark. Your vision
fails you and is limited by the darkness that is trying to swallow you."</b></div>
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That darkness, and the demons that reside within it, are completely of our own fabrication. It's easy to just close our eyes and let ourselves be enveloped by it.</div>
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What is fear, really? Fear is something that can (and does) keep us safe from harm. We don't jump into the lion's den because the lions have sharp teeth and they're probably hungry. I think the zoo might have rules against it or something as well. While most of us have probably never been mauled by a lion, we can imagine what it would be like by relating some other experience we have had (being bitten by a housecat, falling on our faces into a briar patch, etc.) and because we are able to reason that out, a healthy fear develops that tells us "getting munched by that giant cat will probably not be a great experience for you; stay out of the lion's den" and we listen. That's a healthy, necessary fear. It's reasonable. Fear is what drives our sense of self-preservation. Sometimes, though, our ability to reason out what is physically harmful and what is harmful to our psyche fails. The two become intertwined. We start to confuse primitive, necessary fear with artificial, detrimental fear based on things formerly recognized as secondary (or even unnecessary) to basic survival. Our caves are mortared with this fear and our demons feed from it. It is <b><i>THIS FEAR </i></b>that keeps us afraid in our own caves, shaking in our little cave boots. Only by challenging and vanquishing this fear can we overcome all of the things that we have created to shelter ourselves from our troubles. This in and of itself is completely terrifying and I won't deny that for a New York minute. Or a minute anywhere else. Change is <i>hard</i>. It takes a lot of effort and as valiant as those efforts may be, we <i>will </i>fall on our faces along the way. We <i>will </i>fail occasionally. But you know what? That doesn't matter. We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and try again. Yeah, maybe we fail again, but we fail BETTER. We learn. Then, one day, we look around and realize that we have succeeded and that makes all those failures not failures anymore. They are now lessons learned and we have beaten a fear by persevering. </div>
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I have a very, very long way to go to break down my own fears and conquer demons but the fact that I recognize that has put me light years ahead of where I was six months ago. On the one hand, fear of physical harm is not something I possess. Those of you who know me fairly well already know this. I take some pretty wild (but calculated) risks--for years (and still now) I rode dangerous horses that no one else would ride; bought and drove cars that my friends thought would end up being my coffin; snowboarded in some dangerous snow country; fired guns no one was really sure would work properly; and will always be the first one to volunteer for any new adventure. My chosen profession comes with some serious risk of physical harm every day and I honestly don't think much about that. On the other hand, fear of failure, fear of not being loved/being alone, fear of disappointing people I care about and/or respect, and fear of changing the things that keep me fearful of those things are ones I do possess. I know there are more but these are the Double Down sandwiches of my fears. REALLY bad and really detrimental (and maybe too much deep-fried crap?), thus are the ones that are in the most dire need of confronting. I can't take them on all at once and no one should. Baby steps. I used to be a very impatient person; recently, I have seen the length of my fuse increase and am even able to look back and see the things that I just don't get bent out of shape about anymore. They seem so silly now...but at the time, they made me seethe. I am now patient. I am willing to take my time and heal myself and my heart, the right way for ME. Anything worth doing is worth doing well...and my physical and emotional well-being are worth the effort.<br />
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I will now leave you with the musical wonder that is Grace Potter and the Nocturnals. I love this song because the lyrics speak to the recognition of a fear/fears, the mastering of those fears, and the strength to decide that one will never return to a state of fear again. The video confronts this very same issue but on a different level. Plus, the song is just fricken cool, no matter how one interprets it!!</div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen="allowfullscreen" frameborder="0" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/MA_ode55DFA" width="560"></iframe>
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<br />
<br />Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-49196431932328884482012-12-14T23:59:00.000-06:002012-12-15T00:00:28.917-06:00Revelation Series: #1<div style="text-align: justify;">
I've had a revelation. I'm not at all ready to talk or write about it yet but did want to share with you all the thought processes involved in my revelation, the things that led up to it, and enormous amount of knowledge that has been pouring to me from it. These things are in no particular order...just my thoughts poured into my journal and excerpted here, again in the hopes that my troubles and trials can help someone else in whatever journey they may be traveling in their lives. </div>
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This is the first posting in my REVELATION series. </div>
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We spend so much time obsessing over the things we are not
good at, forcing ourselves to do them and trying to make ourselves good at them,
that we fail to pay attention to the things we ARE good at and that we can instead do those
things, and make ourselves better at them. Phenomenal living happens when we
embrace our strengths and stop obsessing over our limitations. If we do nothing
except the things which we are not good at, we will begin to think that we are
not good at anything. When we do nothing except that which we excel at, we will
begin to think we are exceptional. THAT is what keeps us going—that feeling of
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<br />Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-73862997995980495672012-11-30T14:25:00.000-06:002012-11-30T14:28:16.091-06:00I Don't Care Fer Such Triflin'<div style="text-align: center;">
<span style="font-size: large;"><b>What NOW?</b></span> </div>
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I'm taking a break from whoring myself around (a.k.a. sending resumes and networking for employment) and it just dawned on me that my mind is full of thoughts I should probably work through. I have taken many things from therapy over the last several months and one of the suggestions my therapist made was to keep a journal because it's a great coping tool. I wholeheartedly agree with this but I choose not to keep a private journal. I would rather share my thoughts publicly on this blog in the hope that maybe someone else might benefit from them in some way. It's also my way of owning my successes and failures and learning from both as well as documenting them so I don't repeat the past in some kind of perpetual ass-kicking.</div>
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<h3 style="text-align: center;">
<b> Merry Effing Christmas</b></h3>
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Oh, how the holiday season is upon us...ugh. I've never been a huge fan. Too commercial, too shallow, too materialistic. This time of year I rarely hear anything profound or inspiring--it's mostly just complaints about materialistic wants, obnoxiousness and spite, and a whole lot of lack of appreciation. It's stupid...here we are, hurtling through space surrounded by everyday miracles, experiencing amazing things and people, living in one of the most prosperous civilizations in recorded history and all we can do is whine about the things we don't have or how we wish we had better than what we have been given. I seem to be getting cornholed left and right but I am still able to look at my life and find joy in it. I'll admit that some days it's difficult to find a spot of joy. Just like everyone else, I sometimes posit the question "Why me?" I know that I cannot ask that question without also asking "Why NOT me?" I also cannot question whether I deserve the bad stuff without also questioning whether I deserve the good stuff, too. </div>
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The Good, The Bad, and the Unclassified</h3>
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Things aren't inherently "good" or "bad;" they only become that way when we place those labels on them. It's a perspective thing, you see--for example, most would describe divorce as "bad." While my first inclination is to agree, my experience with this tells me otherwise. People enter and leave our lives for a reason. I am beginning to view my own pending divorce as a positive change for me and that there ARE valid reasons for it. This is helping me to avoid the pain of regret and shame. At this point, I'm not far enough along in that change to NOT think I would do things differently given the chance. I do still feel that way--I want to go back to the Nic of the past, shake the shit out of her, and deter her from ever embarking on this course in the first place. I want to warn her that her dreams are going to shatter into a million pieces, her heart will be broken, her self-esteem bruised and battered, and she will lose almost everything. I want to tell her to not bare her vulnerabilities to anyone and to keep the impenetrable wall around her heart intact because it's there for a REASON. Yeah, that would be the old "wish I knew then what I know now" bit. Yet...I find myself wondering what kind of person I would be <i>now </i>if it hadn't been for my actions <i>then</i>. I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about personal relationships from these experiences. I definitely feel that there has been some valuable insight gained from my troubles. So...for that reason, avoiding the tough times would be a cop-out. The easy way. Closing myself off to every bad thing will also keep me from experiencing the good stuff and that would be such a waste. While I still don't know what exactly I "did" and will always have a ton of questions, I have to accept the fact that I will never have any answers. That's not "good" or "bad;" it just...is...</div>
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Whateva, Whateva, I Do What I Want!</h3>
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...which leads me to my next thought process. I'm sick and goddamned tired of others thinking that they know better than I do the manner in which I should conduct my life. Seriously...who knows better than I do how to live my own life? I like to think I'm uniquely qualified for the job. While I deeply appreciate the insights of others, unsolicited advice and criticism is completely unwelcome. Just because certain choices <i>you </i>made worked out well for <i>you</i> doesn't mean they will work out well for <i>me.</i> I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I'm going to do things of which other will disapprove, and I'm going to choose a path that will lead to nowhere. Those are my decisions to make and when it comes down to it, I am the only one who has to live with the outcomes of those decisions. Think about that the next time you wish to criticize someone for something you wouldn't choose to do or say yourself. That person has their reasons for doing as they do. Don't be a tool; be a good friend/family member and offer up your two cents' worth and leave it at that. Don't try to argue your point on why you're right and they are wrong...I know that with me, that is a surefire way to guarantee I will stop listening and not even take your opinion into consideration. I will not be bullied or coerced. Lastly, don't tell someone they shouldn't be mad, or sad, or whatever it is he or she feels, because there are others who have things much worse. No shit--everyone knows that. Things can always be worse. You might as well also tell that person they shouldn't be happy because there are others who have things much better. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? They both do! So zip it!</div>
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In sum: sure, I appreciate another perspective, just don't get all bent out of shape if I (or anyone else) don't agree with what you say or don't do what you think we should. We all have our individual sets of circumstances and that needs to be respected. </div>
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-28765475187915487092012-11-23T12:39:00.000-06:002012-11-23T14:44:47.970-06:00If You're Reading This, That Means You're Not Shopping And I Will Still Respect You In The Morning<div style="text-align: justify;">
Ah, the holiday season...that magical time of year filled with the wonder of why we over-consume and under-appreciate. What is it about spending the money we claim we don't have enough of that drives us to do abnormal things like wait in line to spend the money we claim we don't have enough of? The first--and last--time I made an attempt at shopping on "Black Friday" was 1998. I went to Toys R Us in Tacoma to purchase a Furby for a friend's daughter. There were two left on the shelf. They were frustratingly talking to each other. I went to grab one and suddenly felt the pain of a thousand donkey kicks on the left side of my face. This woman totally sucker punched me to grab the last two and ran off before security could get there. I didn't even realize what had happened until the security guy (who was incredibly hot, by the way...wonder if he's still single...) picked me up off the floor. Yep...totally not worth it!! Besides...I have too much junk laying around as it is. But, in case you're feeling generous, I could use another Targus Laptop Chill Mat. That would be one of these:</div>
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Just sayin'.</div>
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This time of year always motivates me to remember the things that I am truly thankful for, this year especially. I have to admit that some days, it's difficult to find reasons to be thankful. I know those days are just a part of getting through all of this so I rarely despair...I simply wait it out until I remember that there are still good things in my life. I know that it can't rain all the time. I'm thankful that I'm still even around to be thankful in the first place. It's been almost four years since my rebellious body tried to shuffle off this mortal coil and take me with it. I'm thankful that I laid the beatdown on the Hodge. I'm thankful that my recent health setbacks seem to have been temporary and not too serious. I'm thankful for the people in my life who love, support, and stand behind me regardless of the unfortunate set of circumstances I have found myself in. I have been pleasantly surprised at the people who have not only stuck by me but have also provided support and assistance where they can. I've also been pleasantly surprised at the new people that have found their way into my life that accept me knowing that this is just a slight delay in my journey and have been able to see ME through all the layers of unfortunate situations--the ME I truly am. It all humbles me almost to tears. Yeah, yeah, I said TEARS. If you tell anyone, I will punch you. I have lost nearly everything--marriage, health, job, ability to support myself, my home, my car, financial stability and what I thought was a solid and promising future--yet the people who surround me with their friendship and support are doing so in a big way. I am starting completely over again and without these people, it would be a LOT more difficult than it already is. I couldn't ask for a better support system. Truly. You know who you are--thank you. Even if you think that you aren't doing much, I will tell you that simply being my friend and offering an ear to listen or just continuing to say "I've got your back" after all the bullshit I've been going through is a huge blessing to me. </div>
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<b><span style="font-size: large;">Thank You.</span></b><br />
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<span style="font-size: small;">So...I finally have a confession to make. I know there are those of you who are probably going to be a little irritated with me that I didn't tell you this personally but I hope that you will understand that I am simply doing what I need to do and if I failed to tell you, it wasn't because I was purposely trying to be rude or scandalous or something equally jerk-ish. Things happened fairly quickly and, well, it is what it is. Many of you know that my health has not been that great for the last few months. I was in & out of the hospital during November for various reasons--bacterial and viral infections for the most part but between those and the stress of being unemployed/financially unstable and the whole divorce mess, I was losing the battle for my health in a pretty big way. My landlords--who have also been amazing people and far more generous than they have a right to be--were finally like "okay...it's probably time we found a PAYING renter." Years from now, I will probably feel as terrible as I do at this moment about dragging them into this disgusting situation and while I know that it's not entirely my fault, I am taking responsibility for it because it's the right thing to do. I should have recognized early on that the other responsible party was going to do everything possible to shirk that responsibility, that justice was not to come at that time, and taken steps accordingly. I failed to do that and that's my mistake--I own that shit. Period. I hope my landlords understand the depth of my appreciation. I know they're not a charitable organization--they have a business to run and their own bills to pay, which is why they are high on the list of people that I am thankful for. I hope they know that. But I digress...</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">Long story short, I have moved to WI to stay with my family through the winter. I really was having a difficult time health-wise, which was making it difficult to secure employment, and was facing homelessness along with the financial ruin I seem to be wallowing in. My mom finally made me understand that I really CAN'T do this on my own no matter how motivated I am to do so. So...my mom and my grandfather (my dad's dad) came out on the 6th to help pack & move. Took us five whole days to sort through it all, pack it properly, and clean up the house as best we could. My mom rented a U-haul truck and trailer (because I underestimated the amount of stuff that was still left, haha) and my dad found a storage unit here in WI for my stuff. We left the morning of the 12th, unloaded the truck and trailer on the 13th, and here I am now. Everything I own is either in the basement here at my folks' place or in storage here. And in case anyone was wondering, if I had to move it, it became mine. Period. I had a difficult enough time getting him out to unlock the garage and he never offered to help, not even when I asked him to take care of the disaster he left in the garage. He left the mess for me--including all the cleaning and repairs--so the way I see it, he has no more claim to anything that was left. </span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">So...my plan is to get a job (obviously), save a little scratch, and be back in the cities by spring. I love my family dearly but as I'm sure they are aware, there are multiple reasons why I wish to keep my stay here as brief as possible. If I can't be in Seattle, it seems that Minneapolis is the place for me...so one or the other is going to happen!! FYI, friends--I will be in town next week. Let me know if you would like to get together. I have a bunch of boring/tedious stuff to do and loose ends to tie up but might have some time for a little fun, so let me know!</span></div>
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<span style="font-size: small;">I think I'm going to get back to my job hunt. Little to be had out here...and what there is doesn't pay well. Wish me luck!!</span></div>
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-2577059152430836522012-10-23T08:15:00.000-05:002012-10-23T08:16:55.452-05:00Warning: The Cake Is A Lie<div style="text-align: justify;">
So...I realized that pouring my heart out on this blog for everyone to see is very cathartic for me. I have always known that but I think I just sort of forgot about it in recent months. I think those of you who know me on a more personal level might recognize my apparent inability to talk about any matters dealing with my heart. I completely suck at it! I never think anyone is even remotely interested in hearing what I think is a bunch of whiny crap. I feel like there are far worse things that could happen and that I simply need to suck it up and keep plugging away. The last six months, however, have very nearly taken the best of me and at this point...well, at this point I feel like there are no worse things that could possibly happen. Of course, life always has a way of showing me that that is not an accurate OR wise assumption to make.</div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>Names have been redacted to protect the innocent, guilty, and potentially retarded. </b></span></div>
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This spring, I was getting prepared to return to <a href="http://www.clearwatercamp.com/welcome.htm" target="_blank">Clearwater Camp</a> as a riding instructor. I can't tell you how excited I was for another adventure! We had a little hiccup when some staff cabin assignments had to be changed and we were faced with the issue of where to put me and the four dogs. I brought up the idea of purchasing a camper or travel trailer and setting it up at camp; the boss thought it might be a good idea and said she would bring it up to the board and see if it was feasible. Husband and I discussed this pending purchase at length--we decided that it would be a good move even if I didn't use it for work this summer. We could travel to our families' homes or take off for a weekend retreat without having to board the dogs! We could stay all weekend at Rockfest! The possibilities were endless...so off on a search I went. Found the perfect one, right in our price range. It was in fantastic shape for its age--a 1986 Terry bumper pull that looked very nearly like it just rolled off the assembly line. I sent Husband photos and video, we again discussed it at length, and the next day it was ours! </div>
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About a week after we purchased the trailer, I found out that it was not feasible for me to bring the camper to Clearwater, nor was it going to be feasible for me to work there at all this summer with the four dogs. I was so heartbroken but completely understood. I made the tough decision to not go to camp this year; I seemed to have too many responsibilities at home (not only the pups) anyway so it just wasn't going to work out.</div>
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Oh, yes. Yes there is. And I will add it for the additional amount of NOTHING.</div>
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The next day, Husband and I discussed this situation. He wasn't entirely sympathetic but was supportive. We began to discuss what to do with the trailer--he figured we would sell it. I was very confused at this because I was under the impression that we hadn't purchased it solely for my use. It was paid for with our income tax return, so money wasn't an issue. That sparked off a massive argument that resulted in him <b>leaving me</b>. Yeah, you read that right. I put it in bold so there wouldn't be any mistake, so feel free to go back and re-read that. I just thought he was throwing a hissy fit until he came by later with a police escort to pick up some of his things. Over the next week or so, he continually pressured me--to the point of becoming threatening and quite hostile--to sign a joint petition for <b>divorce</b>. For those of you who may be unfamiliar with the process, a joint petition is used when both parties agree on, well, basically everything. I didn't want a divorce in the first place, so there was no way I was going to sign anything. By the time the week was over, I had lawyered up and was refusing to speak with him anymore. It seemed very much like he didn't understand how the whole process worked--like he figured it was like a girlfriend/boyfriend breakup. He wanted the camper sold, all the money (recall that I was unemployed at the time), and each take their own property with anything joint being discussed or sold, in effect leaving me destitute. I tried to urge him to seek legal counsel several times but he felt that I was making things more difficult than they needed to be and if I would just do as he was demanding, things would be fine.</div>
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So...I left out a LOT of details, mainly because I refuse to bore anyone to death but also because this whole thing has been very painful for me to deal with. I have heard several reasons why he left: because I am too selfish and controlling, I was too fat, my health issues were too much to deal with, I was a freeloader stealing his money...ugh, there are so many of these. Let's address some of these, shall we?</div>
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<u><b>1. Too selfish and controlling.</b></u><b> </b>I can see where this could have come from. He landed us in trouble with the IRS and the State of Minnesota concerning back taxes and overpaid unemployment compensation spanning about two years. I trusted that he was taking care of the situation because, well, he told me he was taking care of the situation. He lied. Several times. To. My. Face. The IRS levied our bank account for a rather large sum of money; after I found out about the unemployment overpayment, I'd had it. I forced control over our finances in order to try and dig us out of the hole we were in and prevent any further damage. I tracked every penny and made sure that we stuck to a very strict budget. I never once thought that would make ME the idiot. I managed to get things back on track and we even had a little bit of money saved up by this past spring! We each received an "allowance," with his being a little more than mine because he was away a lot. That was the discretionary money we could use for whatever--after the bills were paid, that was for gas, haircuts, groceries, whatever. I disciplined myself and saved up enough to have my hair colored, which I had been wanting for a while. He screwed up and had to use some of his money for something else and couldn't purchase something he had wanted. It happens...you then start over again. Fiscal responsibility and discipline = you get to buy some cool stuff later. I truly don't think he understood that so he probably saw me as some kind of finance Nazi.</div>
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<u><b>2. I was too fat.</b></u> Yup...since losing my job in March of 2011 and returning from camp, I had definitely packed on some pounds. Here is what I looked like:</div>
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I'm not obese. I'm definitely thicker around the midsection but really? Here's the more "normal" me:</div>
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This photo was taken in August of this year; I have lost about ten more pounds since then and I am back to my "normal" weight. I don't feel that the difference is hugely dramatic but maybe it's just me.</div>
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<u><b>3. My health issues were too much to deal with.</b></u> You know what? Fuck that. Everything I struggle with now, and was struggling with then, were all present before we even TALKED about getting married. We have a few more answers now but the situation is exactly the same. In fact, I'm healthier now than I have been for a long time. I gave him every opportunity to walk away without any hard feelings--when I was diagnosed with cancer, when I found out my physical limitations were going to be permanent and progressive...I understood the level of commitment that would be required and how difficult the road was going to be and wanted to give him a chance to decide whether or not he was prepared to walk that road with me without judgment of his decision or of the reasons he used to make it. He took it all on willingly.</div>
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<u><b>4. I was a freeloader and stealing his money.</b></u> Fall of 2010, I found I was having a very difficult time with school. After discussing it with him, I made the decision to take myself out of school for a short time to get myself back on the right track. I planned on working as many hours as possible at the barn, which I did. I think, at the time, I was having a hard time adjusting to my new role as a wife and dealing with the fact that my physical limitations were causing me to re-think my career choices. Husband also wanted me to take care of my health issues and get things progressing towards a diagnosis. I did all of these things, including seeing a therapist to help me figure out what the hell I was having such a hard time with. I had planned on returning to school Fall 2011 but that was the beginning of some of our financial issues and I knew from past experience if I had those hanging over my head, I was going to struggle again so I postponed until Spring 2012. We then had our falling out in December 2011, which put off school again until Fall 2012. Now, I was (mistakenly, perhaps) under the impression that he and I were a team. I am not the housewife-y type but I took care of EVERYTHING at home--bills, yard work, the dogs, household crap--so that all he needed to do was to focus on work and school if he decided to go back. Apparently, he was expecting me to work and go to school while doing that, even though we didn't need the money. At all. As I mentioned, I was painting us a better financial picture and had even managed to save a little bit of "just-in-case" money. Our bills were getting paid and we weren't struggling anymore. We were catching up on our (well, his) debts. I wasn't out shopping, splurging, what have you...I was trying so hard to be responsible and set us up for success later. I HATE worrying about how the bills are going to get paid or how old I am going to be before I can retire. I guess not bringing in a paycheck is a big deal even when it's not needed and I'm taking care of other things. Who the hell do I have to be???</div>
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Yeah...I went there. Freaking Wonder Woman with sparkles coming from everywhere. I'll work on that, right away. Off I go to find some WW potion.</div>
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In July of this year, I landed what I thought was a perfect job. I was working as an evening caretaker at an up-and-coming eventing/dressage stable. I loved my job, my bosses, and my co-workers. I was appreciated there and I was given the kind of autonomy I thrive under. I was then surprised with a layoff at the beginning of September. Heartbroken? Yeah...but at least I made some new and awesome friends out of the deal. Back to square one. Actually, I was a few steps behind square one since I was out all that money for a rental car (see below).</div>
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My car, El Neon, is finally deciding to take a shit on me. Last December, Husband and a mechanic friend of his screwed some things up under the hood. We were going to get all of that fixed this summer because the truck needed some love so Husband could get back and forth from wherever he needed to go; since he was the guy with the paycheck, I made that a priority and pushed El Neon off to the summer. In August, it died completely and I had to rent a car for three weeks. The guys at work managed to get it running again but it was simply a stopgap measure until I could scrape up the money to fix it or buy a new car. Estimate for the work that needs done? Between $2500 and $4000. FAR more than the car is even worth and more money than I have anywhere. It doesn't really matter much because my insurance was canceled for non-payment in August; Husband refused to continue paying the rent after August, and he had the utility bill sent to his new place and is refusing to pay it so the utilities will be shut off shortly. I have to be out of my house in eight days from today--I have nowhere to go, nowhere to put my stuff, no job, no money, no insurance, and no dependable transportation. Before anyone gets too excited and wants to suggest asking the Army for help, I've done that. They won't. I will not discuss that further. </div>
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On top of all of that, Husband discontinued my healthcare coverage without saying anything to his attorney, my attorney, or me. How did I find out, you ask? I was in the ER on the 8th for some pretty serious bacterial and viral infections. I went to go fill my scripts and I was told I didn't have coverage. The only way the Army can enforce having him pay any support or to have him continue with the insurance is with a court order and the court has been reluctant to mess with military affairs. Think anything was done about this? Nope! My attorney is pissed, I'm pissed. Since I am refusing to sign divorce papers without a temporary agreement for spousal support, we are now apparently going to trial. In April. He is refusing to settle...I don't feel that I am asking for much. I desperately need to get back on my feet but it seems like at every turn, he is determined to prevent that from happening. I'm frustrated, disappointed, and IMMENSELY negative about this whole thing. I can't even go back to school--I knew the divorce thing would be distracting and now my student loans are in default because I have no way of paying them. </div>
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Up until he left me this past May, I felt like I could handle anything that was being thrown my way. Never once did I ask "Why me?" Not once. It's life; it happens! I dealt with it the best I knew how. There were always worse things that could happen but didn't. After he left, my mom came to visit and give me some moral support. A week later, my BFF from WA came to visit and she helped me sort through the broken paper trail of my life and marriage. My BFF from SD also came for a visit and moral support. My friends and family have been very supportive, which is great. But now...you're damn right that I'm asking "Why me?!" I know the universe has to balance out somehow, so my doppelganger had better be happy and successful. </div>
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Right now, I am going to talk about something that I haven't talked much about with anyone. My hope is that if someone is reading this and is feeling the way that I felt at the time that they will avoid doing what I did and instead...reach out to someone.</div>
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A few weeks after Husband left, I'm pretty sure I lost my damn mind. There were a few weeks where I was drinking too much, getting into bar fights, making some really dumb decisions, and generally making an ass of myself. One night, I was home alone and proceeded to down two bottles of wine in fairly quick succession. I woke up the next morning in my bathtub, no pants on, holding a dry erase marker, covered in blood and looking around at the tub surround and every available space in my bathroom that was covered in writing. The blood had come from my right forearm and my left calf where I had cut myself pretty badly. I assume I took my pants off to get at my leg. The writing all over was VERY negative shit. I scared myself so badly that I marched into my doctor's office the very next day and discussed my options with one of her associates. I used to cut myself as a teenager; the issue was short lived and I hadn't had an issue with that up until this point. There were multiple issues at hand--my physical and emotional pain and depression on top of the fact that I had not had a decent night's sleep for a few weeks. She wanted to admit me to the hospital but I had dogs to tend to and refused. I'm now medicated and in therapy and feeling much less hopeless. I won't go so far as to say I'm follow-the-yellow-brick-road happy, but I'm finding better ways of channeling my negativity and dealing with the pain I feel. I still have bad days but now that I know they are coming, I am a little more prepared to deal with them. </div>
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Here are photos of my injuries, and yes, they are somewhat graphic. You have been warned. Please don't send me hate mail. You knew this had to be coming.</div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhuO8H1cAbJsApFfh6uwr8sDQ54YfdJLLpQGxJPrdlHHzIMiJnglS5Z98EmQiAKsliOWbOMXVyeS9UOKirbjntAAn4yroDb2C2yEsNCAwFEd-SgQHdkGgCrkZQP3AX56exIDfxVmSu2fpR/s1600/wonderwoman.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjH5h_qUCQ0xYsaUryyLRpx5gbOudAQjTyugyS524YsBfZyad3QCIWF107QJ1AbJaTvDEKaA73vqswEPmMlkNsZuY-0O0exiU-EuR7usx4pIPPTm0CW_3RpmyEZH263fW7SnCDqOx6oq4qV/s1600/2012-08-05_14-43-01_917.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM8rBwDNrUT_MGnUwO3d7O2tJ8Uop_u2DUJXqJ6FBgZQ3pz6Tg4pZuQhRpzzTZVJqFMc0YHgKtmlfM2ohNDchTkrMsVUJtO6JUGIc9mYHOu2t6TUi0dRGypAztVc3aqk_l8Ya0QgxVgstp/s1600/fatty.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiPbbM2buLn-LMEPiABo7NYveCEKEGEbAyLbyNrTcMZ10dD9hvr5RHUCd2nyB2pipflb64mtVokY9DWEdXi3oP6_i990xTh5hgibmsQZJLCwFm91CsbJAVXvvdJHdIX69vY0BymdLgsfS5w/s1600/images.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"></a>I am not trying to elicit sympathy, nor am I trying to get anyone to be on my "side." The purpose of sharing this is my hope that if someone reads this and later feels like they are out of options other than harming themselves, they will remember reading my blog and seeing the photographic evidence of my pain. "Cutters" are not bad people. They're not looking for attention. They simply know no other way to deal with their pain. Some people drink. Others do situps until they shit themselves. Still others might meditate or swim. Some harm themselves. I struggle with how to deal with my pain, even still. If you are feeling overwhelmed, hopeless, depressed, or worthless, please...PLEASE...reach out to someone. Anyone. You DON'T have to feel like you are alone because you are far from it. I will post a list of resources that I was given that helped me immensely. Everyone feels these things at some point in their lives, whether it's because of difficult situations or even a medical issue, so please don't think that you walk this path solo. I know it can feel that way. Don't hurt yourself out of frustration...you ARE a good person and you ARE worth something. People care. People understand. People can relate. Not everyone, but there are people who do and who can. Don't deny yourself your feelings of hurt or anger but don't allow those feeling to consume you. I know it's far easier said than done. There is no pill or magic treatment that will miraculously turn you into The Happiest Freaking Person On The Planet. It does take some considerable effort to wrench yourself out of the darkness and try to keep yourself out of there but I promise, when you do, it is SO worth it. </div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"Long is the way, and hard, that out of hell leads up to light." (John Milton)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>"It's hard to dance with a devil on your back, so shake him off!"</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><b>(Florence + The Machine)</b></span></div>
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<span style="font-size: large;"><span style="font-size: small;">No, I'm not getting religion. "Hell" and "devil" have different meanings here than what their common usage is.</span><b> </b></span></div>
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I'm going to end this now...guess I need to rouse myself and pound pavement again today. My friends, do me a huge favor...if you have questions, suggestions, or maybe even need a hand yourself, please e-mail me personally rather than leave that kind of information in a comment. I do moderate my comments but I do occasionally miss a few. My address is listed on the right hand side of my blog; you can also use plainsboarder05 at gmail.....com. See what I did there? Piss off, spammers!</div>
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Love and sarcasm to my faithful readers,</div>
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<br />Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-82294682828719636352012-07-12T00:12:00.001-05:002012-12-15T00:06:15.997-06:00#timelyupdatesfailYeah, yeah, yeah...it's been a while. I have good reason, though. It has nothing to do with the Hodge, I promise.<br />
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I'm going to be a little vague with some of this, mostly because I want to cut the drama out. Drama is stressful and I just don't feel like detailing that at all. It's been quite difficult, which is why I haven't had a new post for quite some time. I just wasn't ready to open up about any of the things that have been happening. I feel I'm ready now, and my faithful readers deserve an updated<br />
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Where to begin? Right off the bat: Ted and I have been experiencing some difficulties in our marriage. He is, of course, away a LOT for training and his job at Camp Ripley. Most of what our difficulties stem from is money, my health, and money. Did I mention money? Things between us reached a boiling over point at the end of December. We decided at that time that a separation would be prudent, so he stays at Ripley and I have been spending a lot of time at my parents' place. We are working through our issues; we will both be seeking individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. A couple's retreat is also in the works but we have to wait for a time when Ted is not working or training. Our marriage is important enough to both of us that we are more than willing to work at it. We have a long road ahead of us.<br />
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I had to put my sweet Noel down on December 22nd. She would receive a steroid injection about every 2-3 months; this was to keep her eosinophilic plaques (think psoriasis for kitties) under control. It also had the added benefit of easing her arthritis pain. This fall, the time between injections had become shorter and shorter. Around mid-November, she began coughing and wheezing quite frequently and she hadn't been eating much, so off to the clinic we went. X-rays were taken and showed that her lungs were almost completely filled with...something. My best guess is that she had about 1/4 of usable space in her left lung. The right one was completely occluded. The doc and I both knew that this was likely a cancerous process. At that point, all I wanted to do was make her comfortable enough to enjoy what little time we had left. I opted to not biopsy the lung--I didn't want to stress her any more than necessary. It wouldn't change the outcome or how I was treating her. She received another steroid injection which was just shy of one month after the previous injection. She perked up a LOT after that so we added oral steroids and antibiotics. She was, incredibly, back to her old self--even racing up and down the stairs with the zoomies. Sadly, that didn't last very long. Two weeks later, she was declining again. She began to have some moderate respiratory distress so I opted for another steroid injection and antibiotics. She didn't respond to the treatment and at that point, I knew that our time was short. She declined RAPIDLY. Within a few days, she was again in respiratory distress and she wasn't eating or using the litter box. That was when I knew it was time. We snuggled on the couch all night--she was purring the whole time. The next day--goddam it, I can't even write this without tears. FARK. The next day at 10:33 a.m., she slipped away peacefully in my arms while the doc and I stroked her her tiny head and frail body. We hugged each other, shed our tears and took comfort from the knowledge that my little peanut was now free of her broken body.<br />
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I knew months ago that this was going to be difficult for me. To lose both Harley and Noel, in the same year, a mere few months apart (and both on the 22nd of the month) was just too much for me, I think. I don't feel that I have been dealing with this well--or really, at all. I know that I need to face this but every time I try to do so, my brain just shuts me down so I don't or can't. My coping skills are pretty much non-existent. They always have been. I don't know what to do with the pain so I just smash it all down inside. YES, I know that this isn't the way to go about things but my brain feels that shut-down mode is the best way. At times, it has been--when Harley passed I poured all of my energy into my work. I felt that I had a job to do and that it should take priority. I simply took it too far, I think, and even when the job was done I didn't do anything about the pain in my heart. I feel like I will deal when I'm ready to.<br />
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7/12/2012: I wrote this post ages ago and will be posting again shortly with the rest of the disaster that is my life. Stay tuned!!Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-24763172828571443542011-10-01T23:44:00.000-05:002012-12-15T00:04:24.382-06:00must...bitch...or...head...will...combust...I feel a mix of bitching and bragging coming on. Figured I would at least hop on and throw all of that into a blog post before the ridiculous amount of caffeine I have consumed today wears off and I end up with a full QWERTY keyboard on my face. Hell, QWERTY wasn't even a word until computers began to consume our lives...whoops, totally off topic.<br />
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So, today I trekked down to Nerstrand Big Woods State Park in Northfield. I'm a volunteer field assistant for a field biology course at the junior college I attended before transferring to the U of M. It's exactly what it sounds like--checking out all the cool stuff Minnesota's natural landscape has to offer. I always, ALWAYS have fun helping out with these trips--this one in particular. I never thought that I would get a kick out of teaching, but I guess I have to do something with all this useless knowledge or my head is going to explode. My desire to help other students has its limits, though. I bet those of you who know me fairly well can see where this might be going.<br />
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Here is how this works:<br />
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The students prepare for the trip by researching a group of species in a list assigned to them by the course instructor. They are then supposed to create note cards for the species they are assigned; they should detail everything necessary to help them identify the species. It is strongly suggested that they draw themselves a picture. Yes, inevitably, one or two or seven students "forget" to complete their note cards and therefore know absolutely zip about what they are supposed to be identifying. No prob; shit happens, we get that, which is why we spend two or three hours doing the equivalent of a nature walk. I will point out the plant species they should know and ask them to identify it and explain the properties of the plant that helped them come to that conclusion. After that, the groups are mixed up so that there is at least one member representing each species set. They are then supposed to teach each other. This works best if every student is adequately prepared--meaning, done the proper research and created decent note cards. The little part of me that hasn't given up on humanity entirely and isn't permanently cynical also works best if everyone is adequately prepared. That part stops functioning when someone gets snotty about it. Oh, you're not prepared? You couldn't spare one whole hour out of your busy week? And then, OH, you're going to get testy with me and toss a smartass comment when I ask you a question! How delightful! You're on your own, buddy. This isn't public school--YOU (or your parents) are PAYING to be here! If you don't want to be here, we won't hold your hand and guide you back to reality; we are not going to sit and have a heart-to-heart complete with a demolished box of chocolates and six boxes of wet tissues. If you wish to separate from the group that actually wants to hear what I have to say, no problem. I won't chase you down. You don't care? Okay, then...NEXT!<br />
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I took little Sae Dee with me today. I was excited to see how she was going to do at the state park--LOTS of people, kids running around screaming, tons of other dogs, and stimuli everywhere. I found a little red bandana and used BRIGHT yellow puffy paint to stencil on the following sentence: Therapy Dog Evaluation In Progress -- Please Ask To Interact. I am looking for a very specific set of behaviors under a very specific set of circumstances. Part of my evaluation does include observing her reactions to other people, other dogs, and other unpredictable things that may be encountered. Several times, I would step aside into a clearing (off the trail) to observe her reaction to passers-by or to see if I could convince her to only focus on me. The back side of that bright red bandana with fluorescent writing was plainly visible. Most people were fairly good at asking if they could pet her; however, there were more of the type that would see what we were doing and holler out "awww, good girl! Good dog!" or talk in baby talk to her. AND...the one child that ran...yes, RAN...straight up to her and had the idea that giving her a pat meant smacking her right between her eyes. It wasn't hard, but ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH FOR F**K'S SAKE!! The parents did nothing and when I confronted them and advised that for safety's sake their children should always ask permission before petting someone else's dog, they acted like I had just asked them to light the kid on fire and make me some s'mores. I bit my tongue (yeah, amazing, I know) and just walked away. Hey, winner--if your kid had scared her enough to make her snap or bite, it would be all my fault, I'm sure. I don't mind the interaction; in fact, I WANT it, but because this was her very first evaluation I wanted those interactions to be as controlled as possible. I know, it's a stretch, and I did expect that kind of stuff, but that doesn't stop me from being annoyed. Then there was the jackass that brought his dog hiking with no leash. His very energetic, young dog that could not do a recall if his life depended on it. Sae Dee is a bit on the possessive side (something we need to work on), so the closer the dog came to us the more defensive she became. Not only is there a leash law in the state of MN--especially in state parks--but it's just good etiquette to leash your dog for everyone's safety, including his. I was sort of testy when I told him that his dog needed to be on a leash, and all he said was "oh, I'm sorry!" Took him and his girlfriend ~20 minutes to catch him and leash him. Part of the trail network cuts through an ecologically sensitive area that is the only home--<i>anywhere</i>--for an endangered species of lily. Guaranteed that his dog pissed all over the place, even though I didn't see it. Jackass.<br />
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Speaking of miss Sae Dee, she is doing VERY well. She is settled in and has definitely asserted herself as the boss of the 4-leggeds. Since she has now been well cared for and received adequate nutrition for almost five months, she is finally blowing her coat. Damn those double layered coats! I have her a very thorough brushing and imagine my surprise when the tiny bit of light brown-looking fur morphed into what might be tan (or even reddish) on all four legs, a bit of hue on her face, and a little on her belly. She is so fricken' cute!<br />
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Well, I am exhausted so I think I will leave this here for now. Hope you all are still reading!<br />
<br />Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-14788702791988995742011-09-01T14:08:00.000-05:002012-12-15T00:06:35.884-06:00I'm meeeeelllllltttttiiiiinnnnggggg...<a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/6f/Red_Hot_Sun.PNG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/6/6f/Red_Hot_Sun.PNG" style="cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 326px; margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; width: 343px;" /></a>
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So, Minnesota weather has been cooperating quite well for the last few days. Much nicer to play Frisbee and ball when it's not hot enough to melt the toys (and the dogs!) to the sidewalk. Today on the other hand...not so much. I remember when I LOVED hot and humid weather. That was before chemo screwed up my internal thermostat. I am now quite happy with upper 60s and don't mind when it's chilly enough for hoodies. I still ABHOR our freezing winters, and as such am looking forward to the time when I will be back home in WA! There is just something so freakishly unnatural about chipping multiple inches of ice off of your sidewalk and being warned by the National Weather Service that being outside with any amount of bare skin will result in frostbite in less time than it takes one to say "It's f***ing cold out here."
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I don't have any new photos of Sae Dee to share. This one was taken the same day she came home. I know, I know...I can hear it now: "Well, WTF have you been doing then??" I have been slowly but surely cleaning the house. One might be inclined to say that a hurricane tore through here, but I assure you that is not the case. In fact, it's something far less dramatic and newsworthy: when I arrived home from WI, I was so horribly sick that the only thing I was able to do was bring in the dog food and peel my clothes off before collapsing in the recliner. My week + recovery did nothing to minimize the mess I was creating just by being gross and sick. Ted heroically brought in my luggage and sundries, but I did not have the energy to put all of that away...and there it still lies. Don't worry, my love, it will all be nice and clean by the time you arrive home; I will then be back to my usual obsessive behaviors that consist of me following you around, turning off lights and pointing my finger at things that you leave in your wake such as pens, Post-Its, and junk mail, saying "Pick that up!" I will also obsessively move your important papers to stacks in your man-cave and not remember which stack is the most recent nor will I recall where the handwritten note with an important phone number or date or address made its way to. Love me, love my OCD coupled with chemo brain. I write myself reminder notes all over the house, but forget what they meant. Ignorance is NOT bliss, I can assure you!
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So...had better get back to this mess before I lose motivation and decide to order pizza and watch a House marathon. I will leave you with this fabulous picture my friend took of Cody and I after I tossed him into the water tank.
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I am also accepting ideas for the re-naming of my blog. I simply cannot come up with something that is catchy enough to attract new readers, is not heinously sarcastic, and encompasses the message I wish to convey. Comment or e-mail me with your ideas!
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-76678549509592630432011-08-29T15:03:00.000-05:002012-12-15T00:06:01.594-06:00The End is the Beginning is the End<div style="text-align: center;">
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So...it has been a while. Again. There is a purpose to my absence, however. Some things have happened that took me a little bit to wrap my head around.
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The position that I interviewed for was a position as a riding instructor and caretaker for a riding program in Wisconsin, at a girls' summer camp in Minocqua. A few days later I was offered the position! I accepted on the condition that I bring Harley and Cody with me, and they were just fine with that. A few days before we were to leave, I brought them to our new vet to have Cody's vaccinations brought current and to evaluate Harley's soundness to make the trip. Dr. Mead and I both agreed that she would be okay, and we decided on a medication protocol for her. Tramadol 3x day to control her pain without making her too drowsy, Pepcid AC for her reflux, and mirtazapine as an appetite stimulant. She made HUGE strides in the following 24 hours; enough that I was confident that she would be okay. I sure was looking forward to sharing this wonderful opportunity with my pups! We left on the afternoon of the 21st.
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The trip itself took a little while because I made frequent stops to check the pups and give Harley her meds. It was really hot that day. They were making the trip pretty well until we were almost there. Harley began to pant and look uncomfortable, so when I arrived I had my new roomies help me give her some fluids. With that, meds on board, and a little bit of food in her, she seemed to come around. She curled up in bed with me that night and she seemed SO relaxed and content--more so than she had been in a long time! I was awoken the next morning by a loud thud. When I sat up, I saw that Harley had collapsed on the floor, gasping for air, with gums and tongue so pale they were white. She used what little strength she had to walk outside, and collapsed again. She never got up again--she passed away right there. I actually panicked; I hadn't expected that and I tried to look up veterinary clinics on my Android while keeping an eye on her. There was a part of my brain that took over and forced me to realize that I would never be able to get someone there fast enough; I wouldn't have even had time to place a catheter myself. The whole ordeal was over in less than 20 minutes. She passed at 6:33 a.m. on the 22nd of July. The details of those 20 minutes are only for me to know.
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Needless to say, I was completely heartbroken. My new roomies helped me get Harley into my car, and I drove to a local clinic--<a href="http://www.northwoodsanimal.com/">Northwoods Animal Hospital</a>--to have her cremated. They were GREAT and even though I wasn't a client, they treated me with as much respect and sympathy as if I were. They were also very respectful of Harley. When I returned to pick up her ashes, there was an employee standing by the entrance with a beautiful Border Collie on a leash. As I walked past them with the tears streaming all across my face, the BC looked at me and wagged her tail in such a manner that I couldn't help but smile through my tears. The woman then asked me if I wanted to adopt her. I looked at her, and she was serious. I couldn't help but think that this situation was more than coincidence--I was originally supposed to pick up Harley's ashes the previous day but I was held up at the barn. The fact that we were all at the same place and at the same time was uncanny. Long story short, I asked to take her back to camp with me for a few days to see how she fit with me and with Cody. Everything went VERY well, and I was all set to take her in...but her owners changed their minds. Sigh...so back she went.
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My time at <a href="http://www.clearwatercamp.com/welcome.htm">Clearwater Camp for Girls</a> was amazing!! I shared a cabin with two other women, one of whom was the Head of Riding, and the other an instructor and caretaker as well. They were SO awesome--they had barely even met me when Harley passed away but were very sympathetic and helpful. They urged me to take the day off, and later that afternoon they brought me a sympathy card and some flowers. I was completely floored. I feel like the three of us got along pretty well and made a great team. I mostly tried to observe how things were run and stepped up to help teach during our lessons as well as participating in the care and cleaning. The riding program consisted of 14 horses, 3 instructors, and a decent but small arena. We taught English riding skills to girls between the ages of 8 and 16 and would go on the occasional trail ride. The girls are scheduled for at least one lesson a week; some girls want to take on more so they sign up to be an "extended" rider, which means they ride 3 days a week. Those girls had the opportunity to participate in a <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gymkhana_%28equestrian%29">Gymkhana </a>event, which was a LOT of fun and something they were pretty proud of! The entire camp consists of two sessions running from the end of June until mid-July for the first session, and mid-July until mid-August for the second. Many girls stay for the full 7 weeks. I happened to come at the start of the second session, and returned on the 18th.
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Everyone I met there was completely amazing. They all feel very strongly about the camp and its intended purpose to provide the girls with great experiences. No one there was harsh or judgmental, and embraced the myriad of things that make us all unique. Ideas and thoughts about the camp, the girls, the program, the staff, each other...all were warmly welcomed. I received a LOT of sympathy from everyone about Harley, and everyone seemed to LOVE Cody. He kind of has that effect on people! I do hope that I am afforded the opportunity to return next summer--this was the first job I have had in a LONG time that didn't feel at all like a job. I felt like I belonged there. I had a TON of fun as well! Well, with the exception of the first day, and the last. I picked up some kind of nasty bug somewhere; the first day I was nauseated and vomiting; the second I was coughing and running a fever; by the time the morning of the 18th rolled around, I was heavily congested, feverish, and coughing so hard that I was gagging and vomiting and even made myself pass out a few times. I stayed in bed the entire day, and finally was able to leave late in the afternoon on the 19th. I have been laid up for the last eight days--went to urgent care and had a chest rad to rule out a fungal infection, and a culture for whooping cough. I haven't received the culture results yet. I'm feeling a lot better, but if I over-do things and try to do too much, I pay for it. Slowly but surely, I am recovering!
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So...two new bits of news that are exciting for Ted and I. Ted took an active duty position with the Guard again. He is working in Range Control, which means he will be working to manage the safety and organization of training and live fire operations at Camp Ripley. Unfortunately, this means that he will be staying up there for the next year...again. The bonus: active duty benefits and pay. That includes 30 days of paid leave, so we will be able to see each other more than just on the weekends. Need I say more?
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The second little bit of news: we have welcomed a new member into our little family. Her name is Sae Dee, and she is a six-year-old blue merle Australian Shepherd. I had been perusing through the herding dogs (like Border Collies, Collies, Shelties, Aussies, and others) posted on Petfinder for a couple of weeks, and I saw her photo and thought she was just stunning. I have always loved the blue merle variation in the herding dogs. When I had the little Border Collie girl staying with me at camp, it kind of showed me that while I am still grieving for Harley, there is enough love in my heart to give another buddy a chance. So...I e-mailed the rescue group that was caring for her and set up a "meet and greet" for Sunday (yesterday). Ted and I both fell for her, and she came home with us that day and she is now officially part of our crazy household! She and Cody are getting along; I am not sure that he is going to bond with her as he did with Harley but at least he is now beginning to come out of his depression a bit. He has seemed so lost without Harley. Sae Dee and Scooter are for the most part aloof from each other; she doesn't like Mickey so much but tolerates him as long as he keeps his distance.
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For those of you who might criticize me for adopting a dog so soon after Harley's passing, don't. I am in NO way trying to "replace" Harley; that is impossible. I am still grieving for her, but I feel very strongly that wherever she may now be, she has been facilitating these "chance" encounters. The universe has aligned in such a way as to show me that in helping another pup have a chance at a happy life, I will be helping myself through the grief and sense of loss I am feeling.
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I think this is where I will stop for now. I'm looking at this post and thinking, "Holy shit, no one is going to want to read all of this!!" If you do, you do...if you don't, you don't. I won't be offended either way, but I do hope that you will share my life with me through this blog. I am still considering changing the name, but I have yet to figure out an appropriate one. I will try a LOT harder to update more often so that I don't post these fricken novels all the time.
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I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Seems like it is over way too quickly...I am dreading winter as I always do. Keep in touch, y'all!
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<br />Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-17382114020560179292011-07-14T03:17:00.000-05:002011-07-14T03:35:02.460-05:00Strings of FAB-U-LOUS!!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCcJTkLV9AO39S-shh4FxFXNXw1zXBJiMURnyZ75rhHDScS8iKsJTqyksm6XU9BGHysAw-pJKbHY2xhvA4ZU9S6k8U_fC49_1abdZozrHfc448_dg1BabHgZomXVwqY2C-alOGrnGp1SwC/s1600/IMG_8479.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjCcJTkLV9AO39S-shh4FxFXNXw1zXBJiMURnyZ75rhHDScS8iKsJTqyksm6XU9BGHysAw-pJKbHY2xhvA4ZU9S6k8U_fC49_1abdZozrHfc448_dg1BabHgZomXVwqY2C-alOGrnGp1SwC/s320/IMG_8479.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5629123662513859682" border="0" /></a><br />Quick update on Harley-boo:<br /><br />She has been steadily but slowly improving this week. I think we have reached an impasse at this point. While she is pretty short on energy (and I'm working on that part), she doesn't appear to be in any distress and she is still interested in stuff, even though she doesn't really hop up and go bounding around like she used to. Except when we go outside. She loves being outside as much a possible, so we take a lot of short walks together while she carries her new tennis ball in her mouth. Her breathing is often quite short and shallow, and she seems to be expending increased effort on exhalation. I am equating that to my assumption that there are mets to the lungs, and there may just be a slight obstruction somewhere along the lines. She doesn't seem at all distressed, and since I am taking my cues from her, we just take things easy. She is still coughing, but there has been no change in the frequency. She eats kind of sporadically, so I am looking to supplement her with a multivitamin and extra calories.<br /><br />Little piece of Nicole news: I interviewed yesterday for a position that I feel will be a good fit for me. I sensed some pretty good vibes from the interview, so hopefully I will be receiving an offer in the next few days! I'll keep you all posted!Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-27806505718912158322011-07-11T02:12:00.000-05:002011-07-11T02:43:21.752-05:00Good News is Relative<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTs7XkfqogyDsDpll9HaTjha9KMIbhMqs6l8rYi2b7QPRHbN_VEJNE8oql-dJs3Dj4v68K9xtPpgiRaYTDwJYBGZeRa_WQsP1zpM_02A8dzTEzqXIXPSQVIVPq5GfZwGnOuZgX6NTXsIQq/s1600/IMG_2068.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjTs7XkfqogyDsDpll9HaTjha9KMIbhMqs6l8rYi2b7QPRHbN_VEJNE8oql-dJs3Dj4v68K9xtPpgiRaYTDwJYBGZeRa_WQsP1zpM_02A8dzTEzqXIXPSQVIVPq5GfZwGnOuZgX6NTXsIQq/s320/IMG_2068.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627997092453364994" border="0" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM7dBkB_Rxbgi_HpriFl49Zjvns-MMIELd2p52q0D7525hXgTeC3TgjdqS9fQoNg-cWFSDgceJ4AY8TpfRfHVrh2lgNOqg_ADWk1d8V_kfaLJGu5tpS3XXlPRwdhTNI984EeQQ_y1g7gri/s1600/IMG_1992.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiM7dBkB_Rxbgi_HpriFl49Zjvns-MMIELd2p52q0D7525hXgTeC3TgjdqS9fQoNg-cWFSDgceJ4AY8TpfRfHVrh2lgNOqg_ADWk1d8V_kfaLJGu5tpS3XXlPRwdhTNI984EeQQ_y1g7gri/s320/IMG_1992.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627996922136455346" border="0" /></a><br />Harley seems to be doing MUCH better. She is still pretty lethargic and I do have her on a relatively high dose of tramadol. Today was the best out of the last week--we went for a walk and played ball!! She was just trotting all over the street with her ball in her mouth like she had already forgotten how sick she is! She's eating, not drinking nearly as much water, playing a bit, and the swelling is almost gone from her abdomen. She still coughs, but it's not as frequently and I have seen no blood. Her breathing is fast and shallow though, and she is exerting some effort on exhale. She still tires quickly--but she has been able to go longer periods of time being active. Her mucous membranes have a bit more color in them, too. Her bloods weren't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I know that this is probably just temporary, but a part of me hopes that this means she will be comfortable and with me for a little bit longer.<br /><br />Okay, apparently I am too tired to remember how to load a Word or PDF into my blog. I wanted to post Harley's blood results; I'm going to have to go REALLY ghetto and just copy & paste. 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semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Subtle Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="32" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Intense Reference"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="33" semihidden="false" unhidewhenused="false" qformat="true" name="Book Title"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="37" name="Bibliography"> <w:lsdexception locked="false" priority="39" qformat="true" name="TOC Heading"> </w:LatentStyles> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 10]> <style> /* Style Definitions */ table.MsoNormalTable {mso-style-name:"Table Normal"; mso-tstyle-rowband-size:0; mso-tstyle-colband-size:0; mso-style-noshow:yes; mso-style-priority:99; mso-style-qformat:yes; mso-style-parent:""; mso-padding-alt:0in 5.4pt 0in 5.4pt; mso-para-margin-top:0in; mso-para-margin-right:0in; mso-para-margin-bottom:10.0pt; mso-para-margin-left:0in; line-height:115%; mso-pagination:widow-orphan; font-size:11.0pt; font-family:"Calibri","sans-serif"; mso-ascii-font-family:Calibri; mso-ascii-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-hansi-font-family:Calibri; mso-hansi-theme-font:minor-latin; mso-bidi-font-family:"Times New Roman"; mso-bidi-theme-font:minor-bidi;} </style> <![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapedefaults ext="edit" spidmax="2049"> </xml><![endif]--><!--[if gte mso 9]><xml> <o:shapelayout ext="edit"> <o:idmap ext="edit" data="1"> </o:shapelayout></xml><![endif]--> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:95.0pt 200.0pt 303.0pt 5.5in;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Accession No.<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Doctor<span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Owner<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Pet Name<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Received</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:95.0pt 200.0pt 303.0pt 5.5in;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >CHBC53689039</span></b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>AM<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span><b>NIZZI</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>HARLEY<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>07/09/2011</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:95.0pt 200.0pt 303.0pt 5.5in;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:95.0pt 200.0pt 303.0pt 5.5in;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Species<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Breed<span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Sex<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Pet Age<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Reported</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:95.0pt 200.0pt 303.0pt 5.5in;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Canine<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Labrador Retriever<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>SF<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>8Y<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>07/09/2011 05:28 AM</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <div style="mso-element:para-border-div;border-top:solid windowtext 1.0pt; border-left:none;border-bottom:solid windowtext 1.0pt;border-right:none; mso-border-top-alt:solid windowtext .75pt;mso-border-bottom-alt:solid windowtext .75pt; padding:0in 0in 0in 0in"> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none;border:none;mso-border-top-alt:solid windowtext .75pt; mso-border-bottom-alt:solid windowtext .75pt;padding:0in;mso-padding-alt:0in 0in 0in 0in"><b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Test Requested<span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Results<span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Reference Range<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Units</span></b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> </div> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><b><span style="Arial","sans-serif";font-variant:small-capsfont-family:";" >Vet Screen</span></b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Total Protein<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>5.0<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>5.0-7.4<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>g/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Albumin<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2.9<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2.7-4.4<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>g/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Globulin<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2.1<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>1.6-3.6<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>g/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >A/G Ratio<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>1.4<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0.8-2.0<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >AST (SGOT)<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>32<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>15-66<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>IU/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >ALT (SGPT)<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>20<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>12-118<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>IU/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Alk Phosphatase<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>51<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>5-131<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>IU/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Total Bilirubin<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0.4<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0.1-0.3<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >BUN<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>20<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>6-31<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Creatinine<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0.9<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0.5-1.6<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >BUN/Creatinine Ratio<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>22<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4-27<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Phosphorus<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4.4<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2.5-6.0<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Glucose<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>117<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>70-138<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Calcium<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>8.8<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>8.9-11.4<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Corrected Calcium<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>9.4<span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Sodium<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>146<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>139-154<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mEq/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Potassium<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>3.4<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>3.6-5.5<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mEq/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Na/K Ratio<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>43<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>27-38<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Chloride<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>114<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>102-120<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mEq/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Cholesterol<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>141<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>92-324<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>mg/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >CPK<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>161<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>59-895<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>IU/L</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-bottom:0in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;line-height: normal;mso-pagination:none;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace:none"><b><span style="Arial","sans-serif";font-variant:small-capsfont-family:";" >CBC</span></b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >WBC<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>17.2<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4.0-15.5<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>10<sup>3</sup>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:20.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:20.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:26.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace: none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Corrected for NRBCs</span><span style=" Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >RBC<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2.7<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4.8-9.3<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>10<sup>6</sup>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >HGB<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>6.8<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>12.1-20.3<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>g/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >HCT<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>21<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>36-60<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>%</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >MCV<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>77<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>58-79<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>fL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >MCH<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>25.5<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>19-28<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>pg</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >MCHC<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>33<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>30-38<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>g/dL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Anisocytosis<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Moderate<span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Polychromasia<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Slight<span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >NRBC<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>10<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0-1<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/100 WBC</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Blood Parasites<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>None Seen<span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Platelet Count<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>101<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>170-400<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>10<sup>3</sup>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:.25in;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-align:justify;text-justify:inter-ideograph; line-height:normal;mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:26.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Fibrin clumps present; micro-clotting in the sample may spuriously lower the platelet count and estimate.</span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:20.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:20.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:26.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace: none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Platelet count reflects the minimum number due to platelet clumping.</span><span style=" Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Platelet Est<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Adequate<span style="mso-tab-count:2"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Differential<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>Absolute<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>%</span></b><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Neutrophils<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>15136<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b> <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>88 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2060-10600 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:20.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:20.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:34.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace: none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Toxic Changes Slight</span><span style=" Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Bands<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>344<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(HIGH)</b> <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0-300 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Lymphocytes<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>688<b><span style="mso-spacerun:yes"> </span>(LOW)</b> <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>690-4500 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Monocytes<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>344 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>2 <span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>0-840 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Eosinophils<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>688 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>4 <span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>0-1200 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>/µL</span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 260.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Basophils<span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0 <span style="mso-tab-count:1"> </span>0-150 <span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>/µL</span><span style=" Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:9.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:9.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:178.0pt 313.0pt 421.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align: none;text-autospace:none"><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";" >Comment<span style="mso-tab-count:3"> </span></span><span style="Arial","sans-serif"font-family:";font-size:12.0pt;" ></span></p> <p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 20pt; text-indent: 20pt; line-height: normal;"><span style=";font-family:";" ><span style="mso-tab-count: 1"> </span>Blood smear reviewed by technologist.</span></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 20pt; text-indent: 20pt; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0in 0in 0.0001pt 20pt; text-indent: 20pt; line-height: normal;"><br /></p><p class="MsoNormal" style="margin-top:0in;margin-right:0in;margin-bottom:0in; margin-left:20.0pt;margin-bottom:.0001pt;text-indent:20.0pt;line-height:normal; mso-pagination:none;tab-stops:26.0pt;mso-layout-grid-align:none;text-autospace: none"><br /></p><br /><br />In other news, if you are reading this and I have pictures for you, rest assured that I am working on them. I think I took on WAY too many projects. It seems like the folders full of raw image files never get any smaller.<br /><br />I am thinking of changing the name of my blog to reflect the fact that I told cancer to go to hell. My friend Sara Williams (her wonderful blog can be found <a href="http://www.sarasfightback.blogspot.com/">here</a>) sort of inspired me to want to do that as she had changed her blog name to reflect her remission from breast cancer. What do you guys think? Any ideas?<br /><br />Yep, I'm going to bed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-52085413358014004522011-07-09T12:02:00.000-05:002012-12-15T00:08:28.040-06:00The Beginning is the End is the Beginning<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheWbPJwNtT4G18vb44hiWF-v6z7o9vz1rSwN0RdnKWB8F7SwSeMvSMaQH5yLT8spI58CTKQWcAF9HL-_IHpWNZhkPWAjk3c_XmiTlsTgPoUlRd7wDvs9lumEuvzq4xOl6K6bB-cL0Pna6a/s1600/IMG_1922.JPG" onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}"><img alt="" border="0" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627413239186274498" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEheWbPJwNtT4G18vb44hiWF-v6z7o9vz1rSwN0RdnKWB8F7SwSeMvSMaQH5yLT8spI58CTKQWcAF9HL-_IHpWNZhkPWAjk3c_XmiTlsTgPoUlRd7wDvs9lumEuvzq4xOl6K6bB-cL0Pna6a/s400/IMG_1922.JPG" style="cursor: hand; cursor: pointer; float: right; height: 400px; margin: 0 0 10px 10px; width: 267px;" /></a><br />
Hey, all--<br />
<br />
Harley has continued to deteriorate. She did not eat her breakfast this morning, even though I opened up a can of really smelly tuna and mixed it in with her kibble. So, I have given her the max dose of pain meds that I am comfortable giving her...we'll see what happens.<br />
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**update** Haha, I didn't post this right away! Good thing, though...so, Justin stopped by to see Harley this morning and pose for a few portrait shots. She seemed to come around and was definitely more animated! When we came back inside, I set her food bowl down and she ate a little bit!! She is still very lethargic and sedentary, but is awake and interactive, even rolling over for tummy rubs. Her abdomen feels a bit distended to me...I'm concerned about her liver a bit.<br />
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Our vet visit last night to the "new" clinic went...okay. They pulled blood and were running a CBC and Vetscreen. The doc said she would call in the morning with the results, but by 10 a.m. I hadn't heard from her. There was a missed call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize, so I called the clinic to see about the results. If she called this morning but didn't leave a message, then the results probably aren't good but I wasn't expecting them to be.<br />
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Bobbi is here with me, helping me clean the house and keeping me company. I am so grateful she's here. I don't know if I would be holding together as well if she weren't.<br />
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Okay, I need to get to cleaning and take a shower. My friend Linda is coming over to take some portraits for me, and I haven't showered in a few days...nasty. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for your support--let me know if you're reading!<br />
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♥♥♥Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-74168389245284666802011-07-08T16:16:00.000-05:002011-07-08T17:50:20.935-05:00And the circle of life continues...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1n5HXMDQA81dApti2y-F2-nUMQnYNT77KemSlrvf3GoVWPUe2HxmaHhSoJwYkQAT-QZzuFVKTqs3w_Is_oKYR6Eh4VR2qpc8EbYpvdFO-AayvXFxyzjhxmJj810I5nndPHXvBJa5p4iek/s1600/IMG_8594.JPG"><img style="float:right; margin:0 0 10px 10px;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEg1n5HXMDQA81dApti2y-F2-nUMQnYNT77KemSlrvf3GoVWPUe2HxmaHhSoJwYkQAT-QZzuFVKTqs3w_Is_oKYR6Eh4VR2qpc8EbYpvdFO-AayvXFxyzjhxmJj810I5nndPHXvBJa5p4iek/s320/IMG_8594.JPG" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5627097979823786882" border="0" /></a>The time draws near...Harley has begun to decline, and it's happening <span style="font-style: italic;">fast</span>. Just seven days ago, she was her usual spazzy self. She had been losing weight and coughing on and off for about a week but it wasn't slowing her down much. Monday, she didn't come racing down the stairs when Ted arrived home as she usually does. In fact, she did not come down at all. We called her down and she was VERY slow, a bit listless, and had her "wuss face" on. Tuesday night she began to smell strongly of bile (no vomiting) and continued to cough, but all else was normal. Wednesday she began coughing up blood clots and smelling of bile again. Her mucous membranes were pale and she was a bit wobbly in the rear. On a hunch, I scoured the backyard and found she had been having bloody diarrhea. She was up for a walk, though, so we went to the nice, grassy spot by the tennis court and she found a tennis ball to play with! We had 6 or 7 throws before she pooped right out. Thursday was not much better, but not worse, either...until Thursday night. Debilitating lethargy, increased water intake, and we took a short walk and she only chased the ball twice. She ate dinner last night very slowly, and her breakfast even slower. She slept most of the day today, and around three we went out in the backyard as I was hoping it would lift her spirits a bit. I brought out two of her favorites: baby carrots and peanut butter, which she was slow to eat. She drank a LOT of water. Her mucous membranes are grey, almost white, so I have opted to run some blood tests so I can see where we are and evaluate her needs. Her regular vet kind of dropped the ball (they are supposed to be an urgent care clinic as well, but wouldn't see her until Monday), so we are going to a different (new) place that squeezed us in so we could avoid the after-hours clinic charges. 7:20 p.m. tonight. She has just now gone to bark at the neighbor--I think I may have to go rescue her from the stairs because she hasn't come back down yet.<br /><br />I have a large list of people whom I am very grateful for. They have really pulled together to help me over the last few months, and especially today. I don't have the time to list them all now, but they know who they are. Thank you.<br /><br />I will try to update as much as possible via this blog. Stay tuned.Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-19299275366743400752011-05-26T13:34:00.000-05:002011-05-26T14:25:13.793-05:00No, I haven't disappeared...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZXgvXZIcmcej0z8igr3BozecOzht2FDCM_whIaDK5PhUk6INAC4lTk-38g76wPxH9Dv46USgSieE1mTgLCdZYADCNjmGaLVljxLFOzjv0GM_Q1hO2ptqR8AvFDcbVCnLYRXzaixHuAeOp/s1600/i00891.jpg"><img style="float:left; margin:0 10px 10px 0;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 299px; height: 400px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiZXgvXZIcmcej0z8igr3BozecOzht2FDCM_whIaDK5PhUk6INAC4lTk-38g76wPxH9Dv46USgSieE1mTgLCdZYADCNjmGaLVljxLFOzjv0GM_Q1hO2ptqR8AvFDcbVCnLYRXzaixHuAeOp/s400/i00891.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5611106550180630210" border="0" /></a><br />Wow. It's been a REALLY long time since I have posted anything at all on my blog. I apologize for that, and I assure you that it wasn't due to a health crisis!<br /><br />The pic was taken at the Taste of Minnesota last year during the Seether/Offspring/311 concert. Which was AMAZING!<br /><br />The last year and a half has been a steady string of difficulties, both financial and otherwise. As most of you already know, Ted and I were married last year. That has been the highlight of it all. We have experienced a LOT of financial issues ranging from Ted's pay constantly getting screwed up by the ARNG and his coming off of active duty to no civilian job, to me losing my job in March. A week after I lost my job, I nearly lost my sweet Harley to a burst spleen that was the result of hemangiosarcoma--cancer. With help from my mom (thanks, mom!!!), we bought her some time with an emergency surgery to remove her spleen. Hemangiosarcoma is pretty much a terminal condition. We nearly lost our home and had our power shut off this month, but were able to secure financial assistance through the VA. They also provided us with some food from their food shelf. I finally had to take a break from school as my grades were dropping precipitously, so I have taken spring and summer off and plan to resume in the fall. I have not been able to secure employment yet. My neuropathy has been accelerating--I am now losing muscle in both hands and the pain was becoming so debilitating that I wasn't getting much sleep. My regular doc put me on gabapentin and an antidepressant, which seem to be helping for now. One bright spot has been that Ted went back to work with Braxton Hancock (the company that laid him off over two years ago) two weeks ago. I don't want to elaborate too much on those details just yet; what I DO want to do is share something with all of you--especially those who know me as kind of a cynical, sarcastic jerk. While that is definitely what makes up most of my personality, those close to me (especially Ted) get to see a different side of my psyche on occasion. Below are a few excerpts from something I wrote for Ted. Yes, there was a lot more, but that is between Ted and me ;-)<br /><br />Music speaks to me. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I can see the keys and chords. Every note is a vision into an interpretation of the melody and lyrics and every bar is a cohesive explanation of what brings the sounds together to create something representative of the full intention behind the music. That is the reason I have picked up many different musical instruments and always have an open mind to musical interpretation. Anyhoo, the whole point of this is that while ALL music speaks to me, especially that which I have written myself, there is a very small subset of songs from other musicians that dig me out of my own universe and speak even louder. I'm not a very emotional person and talking about matters of the heart like this is VERY foreign to me; I feel that the music that I love is able to stir me up and connect me with emotions I am typically detached from. The first time I heard <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CPEBN2dVNUY">this song</a>, it reached right into me and reflected the love, frustration, and desperation I try to deal with every day. So, while these words and this melody are not of my creation, I think the music in all its entirety reflects how I feel far better than I am able to express on my own. The band is called The Script, and they hail from Ireland. I think they are very talented and very in touch with the music that is inside of them. It seems that every time I feel overwhelmed by our string of bad luck, this song pops onto the radio. I know it's a coincidence, but it's a helpful one for me and I just keep plugging away.<br /><br /><b>"For The First Time"</b><br /><br />She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,<br />While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,<br />And we don't know how,<br />How we got in to this mad situation,<br />Only doing things out of frustration<br /><br />Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,<br /><br />She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time,<br />I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,<br />And we don't know how,<br />How we got into this mess<br />is it god's test,<br />Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best,<br /><br />Trying to make it work but man these times are hard<br /><br />But we're gonna start by<br />Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,<br />Sit talking up all night,<br />Saying things we haven't for a while<br />A while ya<br />We're smiling but we're close tears,<br />Even after all these years,<br />We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time<br /><br /><i>[x3]</i><br />Oooooo<br /><br />She's in line at the DOLE*<br />With her head held high (high)<br />While I just lost my job but<br />Didn't lose my pride<br /><br />But we both know how,<br />How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,<br />When you pick yourself up,<br />You get kicked to the dirt,<br /><br />Trying to make it work but,<br />Man these times are hard,<br /><br />But we're gonna start by,<br />Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,<br />Sit talking up all night,<br /><br />Doing things we haven't for a while,<br />A while ya,<br />We're smiling but we're close to tears,<br />Even after all these years,<br />We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.<br /><br />Ooooo<br /><i>[x3]</i><br /><br />Yeah.....<br />Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,<br />Sit talking up all night,<br />Saying thing we haven't for a while,<br />We're smiling but we're close to tears,<br />Even after all these years,<br />We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time<br /><br />ooooo...., yeahh for the first time<br />(ooooo....), oh for the first time,<br />Yeah for the first time,<br />(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...<br />For the first time)<br /><br /><i>[x4]</i><br />Oh these times are hard,<br />Yeah they're making us crazy<br />Don't give up on me baby<br /><br />{* DOLE is the unemployment line in Ireland}Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-60730764965191034272010-06-23T11:38:00.001-05:002012-12-15T00:17:08.511-06:00Heavy HeartsI know that it has been a very long time since I have updated on here. I do have a lot to say, but today, my heart is very heavy.<br />
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My heart is broken. The Potvin family has had to say goodbye to sweet Ellie this morning. I hate this. It's not fair. A child's life should not be filled with pain and poor health. Cancer took her away from her family and the life she should have had. She was brave, and now her family is left asking, "Why?" Have peace, sweet Ellie. May you be whole again. If you have a minute, please stop by Ellie's site and show your support for the family she leaves behind: http://www.<br />
<div class="uc-message">
<wbr></wbr><span class="wbr"></span>caringbridg<wbr></wbr><span class="wbr"></span>e.org/visit<wbr></wbr><span class="wbr"></span>/elliepotvi<wbr></wbr><span class="wbr"></span>n<br />
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I would like to wish my friend Patti a happy birthday. I know that the day is heavy and so are our hearts, but she deserves some happiness. I hope she can find some today.<br />
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I will end here, but rest assured that I will post a more thourough update very soon.<br />
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Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-53378508937289532132010-02-03T23:19:00.000-06:002010-02-03T23:51:33.221-06:00Whoa, Nelly!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnOS_o9BWnwLKSOgFKZnjVhNZGu0UhQVoL8UpXTSCUu03pVGBgjTf4072lsIVSdzhfGGNjbnbDLQAC93jpXmurYsfs0sqCLMJhUc7MLkLCRwqy_6qe5eAjLMnyLD-du4xYUwswIcMoJ57i/s1600-h/22151_866036214428_10718420_48098656_7812642_n.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 267px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgnOS_o9BWnwLKSOgFKZnjVhNZGu0UhQVoL8UpXTSCUu03pVGBgjTf4072lsIVSdzhfGGNjbnbDLQAC93jpXmurYsfs0sqCLMJhUc7MLkLCRwqy_6qe5eAjLMnyLD-du4xYUwswIcMoJ57i/s400/22151_866036214428_10718420_48098656_7812642_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5434261149786563730" border="0" /></a><br />It's been a while...I know. A lot has been happening, and right now I will do my best to slam out an update.<br /><br />As most everyone knows, Ted and I were engaged on Christmas Eve. We have set a date...March 21st! It's going to be a VERY small ceremony--an Army chaplain is going to come out to a location of our choosing and do a short (nonreligious) ceremony. We are planning on throwing a big party at his parents' home at the end of August, so save the date--it will be the weekend of the 28th/29th!<br /><br />As for the neuropathy--I had an appointment on the 7th of January with Dr. Walk, who specializes in distal neuropathies such as the one I am experiencing. At the time, he felt that we should be exploring some other options, namely Sjogren's syndrome (an autoimmune disorder), fibromyalgia (widespread pain disorder) and rheumatological disease processes such as rheumatoid arthritis. He also said that he could not rule out the possibility of this being a type of muscular dystrophy (such as the one my mom suffers from). He ordered several blood tests to do a few different immune assays, look for blood markers that would indicate fibro, and also to look for the presence of enzymes that would indicate a dystrophic disorder. He also ordered another, very specific, EMG to be conducted on my right hand to see if he could find a conduction block in my right median nerve (the nerve that runs through the carpal tunnel), as well as a referral to an orthopedic surgeon and a rheumatologist, and a referral for occupational therapy. He also changed my pain management protocol. I am now taking amitriptyline daily and tramadol as needed for pain. He did give me some definitive information--the atrophy of the muscles and the severe nerve damage in my left hand is permanent and very likely progressive. My right hand may be in the same boat. He feels very strongly that anything requiring dexterity and strength of my hands will be very difficult for me to do. I saw him again last week for the EMG, and we went over a few things. My bloodwork was mostly normal--although there was an elevated CPK level. CPK is creatinine phosphokinase, an enzyme that is present when there is muscle destruction. It is normally only elevated in bodybuilders, people with moderate to severe injuries, and people with muscular dystrophy. CPK cleans up dead and dying muscle tissue. We will re-check this in a few weeks and monitor it. If it continues to be elevated, we will skip over a lot of the diagnostics (since most have been conducted anyway) and right to a muscle biopsy to look for indicators of a muscular dystrophy. The EMG is very suggestive that this issue is related to carpal tunnel syndrome--which neither of us is very confident about. His lack of confidence in that kind of diagnosis is very apparent, but he can find nothing at all that would suggest otherwise. He is as frustrated and confused as I am. So, we will see what Dr. Putnam (the orthopedic surgeon) says. We will probably go ahead with the carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand and go from there. Dr. Walk and I are both worried that we will do the surgery and the atrophy and loss of use will continue, but he cannot see any other indicators that anything else is wrong. It is possible that carpal tunnel syndrome is wholly responsible for the nerve damage in my left hand--the nerve may have been so beat up for so long that by the time I had the surgery it was already too late to save it. It is also possible that there is something else going on, but because we don't know what that might be, we have to start somewhere. So, I will probably be having surgery at some point this year on my right hand.<br /><br />The new pain meds are working, but I have had to have my dosage increased to manage the pain properly. There are side effects, but they are very minimal--mostly weird dreams and drowsiness. The tramadol I cannot take at work because it makes me too sleepy, and that is just downright dangerous. I am back to one day a week now that classes have started again, so I manage. Occupational therapy is all about showing me how to cope with losing the ability to use my hands normally, and has been quite helpful. We are also trying kinesiotape, which I have used before. Kinesiotape is a stretchy, sticky cloth tape that is placed on the skin over the spots where sensory nerves reach the skin. It uses the sense of proprioception to fool the brain into ignoring signals from certain nerves in an area of the body. Proprioception is all about your brain interpreting important signals from ones that it can overlook. For instance, proprioception allows me to type without looking at the keys. It also allows us to keep our eyes on the road while we drive--if proprioception didn't exist, we would have to look at everything that is passing by and wouldn't be able to pay attention. It also allows us to tune out the signals from our skin sensing our clothing, which is the very signal that kinesiotape is attempting to manipulate. By training the brain to ignore extra signals it is receiving from my hands and arms, we are able to manipulate it into (hopefully) ignoring the sensation of pain. I've been wearing it for two days and I think that the combination of the pain meds and the tape is working--I don't feel as painful as I did even a week ago. This may be incredibly helpful.<br /><br />As for my vet school chances...well...I don't like to think about that right now. I don't know that vet school will be a realistic possibility for me. It is downright dangerous to work with horses (or any animal, for that matter) when you don't have hand strength. We will see what the next year brings; at the very least, I am going to have to put off applying for another year while we play the waiting game after surgery. Please don't ask me about this, or try to blow sunshine up my butt (sorry for the rude analogy) by telling me that there are still things that I can do in the profession, because I know the reality of my situation. The reality is that if my right hand fails me as well, I will not stand a chance to be successful in veterinary medicine. We shall see.<br /><br />Enough about me. I received a devastating phone call from a very good friend of mine on the 7th of January. Her husband, a combat engineer in the Army, was killed in Afghanistan that day. I didn't even know what to say; I was completely speechless. He was a good man, a great husband and father, and a dedicated soldier. I felt so isolated and so far away from my friend (they are stationed in Anchorage, Alaska) that I decided within five minutes of speaking with her that I would make sure and attend the services. We couldn't really afford for both Ted and I to go, so it was just I that went. The services were held in Fort Lewis, WA, then we were escorted by the police and the Patriot Guard up north to Kent where he was buried. That was a very difficult day--the sound of the bagpipes playing "Taps" and "Amazing Grace" to the sound of the rain and of my friend mourning the loss of her soul mate was the loneliest, most heartbreaking sound I have ever heard in my life. It was almost too much to bear, but I had to remember that I was not there for me, I was there for my friend and her family. They have three sons, ages 6, 5, and 2. I can't even begin to tell you how heartbroken I am for my friend and her boys. I want to make sure all of you know that Jason was defending YOUR freedom; whether you agree with the war or not, you should always remember that he sacrificed himself as a part of his duty to defend our country. I thank him, as I thank his wife (my friend) and their three sons. Such a high price to pay to ensure the freedoms that many of us take for granted. You can read about him here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/partners/theolympian/story/1050075.html?storylink=fb A memorial fund has been set up for my friend Tiffany and their boys with Wells Fargo. The picture at the top of this post was taken by my friend Susanne--she snapped some amazing and heart-wrenching photographs of the services that day.<br /><br />Never forget. I won't. I am proud to have called Jason friend; I am honored to have known him. His loss will be felt for a long time, but he will never, EVER be forgotten.<br /><br />I was in WA from Friday the 29th - Monday the 1st. As most of you know, I have been considering moving back to WA for some time now. This visit has strengthened my resolve--I now know that I belong there. I miss my friends, the people that have grown to be my family. My support system is huge there. It's not that I don't have a support system here in MN, because I do. I would miss my friends here terribly. But I hate winters here, and they are long. I miss the ocean. I miss the smell of evergreens and rain. I miss the places and people that used to be such a huge part of my life. I have reconnected with my oldest friend--we have known each other since we were about 7 or 8 years old. It was like I never even left--just like we had been talking every day for the last 15 years. I want that all back so badly I can taste it. I want to be closer to Tiffany (she is moving back to WA to be closer to her family). I want to be able to hang out with one of my best friends, Brian, as much as possible. He's like a male version of me. I want to reconnect with friends that I haven't seen in almost 15 years. I didn't have enough time to see everyone I wanted to see, and I'm disappointed about that, but I promise, I will be back. I just have to convince Ted that it's a good idea for him, too...for me, coming back here to MN was like leaving him behind. My heart aches and I feel so depressed and empty. I will miss all of my really good friends that I have made here, but I have found where I belong. I think I have always somehow known that I should be in WA, but it has taken an awful lot of maturity for me to realize that the BS is behind me and is going to stay there. Thank you to all of my friends, especially Melissa and Brian, for making my trip as wonderful as it could be under the circumstances. Tiffany--I <3 you and you know I will do anything you ask of me. The rest of you--you all know who you are--I will see you soon. Until then, let's not lose touch. I miss you all terribly.<br /><br />I will keep everyone posted on the neuropathy front.<br />'Til then, take care!!<br /><br /><3Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-56148482033642219332009-12-26T17:10:00.000-06:002009-12-26T17:13:35.791-06:00Christmas Surprises!<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitAm2Y9AZeMzIH8fDduN5zET4oz-tqM3S6o5_QxNL2RT-vSA9sQk76LcBBGSaXUjc2ytmNjkLypdZ0Lhkd0VYQKLPXAuR80pK-V7Sp2hnIjKhhCow5hkPsTYWFV4dQC-paMVjKOsZk3_0B/s1600-h/20663_375267900532_532250532_10360264_7001763_n.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 400px; height: 300px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEitAm2Y9AZeMzIH8fDduN5zET4oz-tqM3S6o5_QxNL2RT-vSA9sQk76LcBBGSaXUjc2ytmNjkLypdZ0Lhkd0VYQKLPXAuR80pK-V7Sp2hnIjKhhCow5hkPsTYWFV4dQC-paMVjKOsZk3_0B/s400/20663_375267900532_532250532_10360264_7001763_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5419686868398473378" border="0" /></a><br />*whew*<br /><br />Final<span class="wbr"></span>s are over...the holiday mad rush is over...my stress level is WAAAAAAY down. The house is almost clean again, now that I have time (and help!). Ted is home through the 4th (he got back on the 16th) and it really is nice to have him around. I've been so busy with school I hadn't really realized how much I missed him!<br /><div class="uc-message"><br />And now for my big surprise...<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>Ted proposed on Christmas Eve! I, of course, said yes. I now have a very pretty sparkly on my finger--I'l<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>l post a picture. We don't have any solid plans yet, but I will let you all know as soon as we figure it out! Quite a nice ending to kind of a rotten year.<br /><br />I hope everyone had a great holiday. I think that regardless of religious preferences or what kinds of holidays you actually celebrate, this is the time of year when you sit back and think about what you truly value. We didn't celebrate necessarily<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>, but we did have dinner with my boss's family and then I worked the afternoon. We came home and had dinner and just hung out with each other, which was really nice. Christmas Eve was spent shoveling! We received almost a foot of snow from the winter storm that rolled through here beginning Wednesday. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but winter and I don't particularl<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>y like each other!<br /><br />Oh, and my neurology appointment last week was...alrig<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ht. Apparently I had canceled it (according to the receptionis<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>t that is--I most definitely did NOT cancel it), but they managed to squeeze me in anyway. I would have made a big stink about it if they hadn't. I won't know the results until I see a different neurologist (Dr. Walk) on the 7th. My oncology appointment on Tuesday went well--we went over a few things, like the fact that I seem to be picking up lots of cold bugs this year. I have been suffering from a particularl<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>y nasty cold the last week or so and Dr. Datta was a little concerned about the cough I had. Apparenly Hodgers have a pretty crappy immune system following treatment (more so than other cancers) and there isn't a lot of information pointing to why. So I will be receiving my H1N1 vaccination on Monday, and if my cough doesn't get better Dr. Datta wants to see me back. My counts were good, though, so we're all happy about that!<br /><br />I do have a lot of things I would like to write about, but I'm kinda tired today and just want to relax and eat some soup and hang with Ted.<br /><br />Merry (day after) Christmas, everyone! I hope Santa was good to you all!!</div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-61312939728382679042009-12-08T13:26:00.001-06:002009-12-08T13:27:03.131-06:00Cancer can kiss my a**This time a year ago...this day...aroun<span class="wbr"></span>d 12:30...I received the news that made everything else insignifica<span class="wbr"></span>nt. Dr. Maddaus and Dr. Tallman had both called to tell me the pathology on the mass removed from my heart...lym<span class="wbr"></span>phoma. I cried. I made Ted come home from running errands to tell him. My mom was there for me.<br /><div class="uc-message"><br />All the difference a year can make...here I am, worrying about finals instead of pain and chemotherap<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>y. Working hard instead of being homebound and sleeping in a recliner. Wow.<br /><br />Occasionall<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>y the reality of what transpired will REALLY hit me. How I almost died and came back spitting mad and fighting. Screw cancer. Go to hell, cancer!!!</div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-42410154031334984812009-11-25T13:11:00.001-06:002009-11-25T13:11:29.712-06:00No Title, Just Thoughts<div class="uc-message"> This time exactly a year ago...I was crashing. Doctors and nurses were working diligently to make sure I didn't die. It is totally crazy to think of how very far I have come in the year since then...I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around that!<br /><br />One little update--Dr. Tallman says to start taking Zofran and Compazine on a schedule to avert the nausea and vomiting I seem to be experiencin<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>g. Hopefully that's only temporary!<br /><br />I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgivin<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>g...eat a lot, overindulge<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>, and remember to think about the thinks you are truly thankful for.... <br /> </div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-11231766545160211062009-11-22T22:21:00.001-06:002009-11-22T22:28:25.354-06:00Anyone Have A Barf Bag? It's Going To Be A Long Flight!Please, everyone, take a second to send some good thoughts to my Grandpa (my mom's dad). He had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday due to what turned out to be a TIA (transient ischemic attack). It's like a mini-stroke. He has had a few of these already, and I worry about him a lot. He seems to be doing okay and it sounds like he will probably get to go home tomorrow. Get better, Grandpa. I can't wait to see you again.<br /><br /><br />I am not feeling well today :(<br /><br />The pain meds are making me sick. Although they make my pain DISAPPEAR and I feel like I could start training for a marathon, I have been vomiting all weekend. Yeah, you know you wanted to hear that...I promise I won't tell you what it looked like ;) I have been nauseated all week, but the other stuff started Friday. I actually woke up out of a dead sleep to be sick last night. I took some Zofran this morning that I have left over from my chemo stash just so I could get to work today. It helped for a little while, but I ended up getting sick twice at work. I plan on calling Dr. Tallman tomorrow morning to see what he thinks. I definitely don't want to stop taking this stuff since it has basically changed my life for the time being. I will happily skip off, holding hands with nausea if it means I can be relatively pain free. But yakking...no thanks. I like my breakfast to stay where I put it. I also have a migraine that has been coming and going since yesterday morning. Boo.<br /><div class="uc-message"><br />Britt--I'm glad we could share this nauseating experience! :)<br /><br />I hope everyone is thinking turkey. Or tofurkey. I will be working this Thanksgivin<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>g (far cry from where I was last year!!!), but on Saturday Ted and I are going to have dinner with his parents.<br /><br />Off to studying in bed I go. </div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-58424981832302004592009-11-20T23:10:00.001-06:002009-11-20T23:10:45.430-06:00Reflections<div class="uc-message"> Wow...one year ago today, I was sitting in the emergency room at the University hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. Ted was mad at me and we got into an argument...<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>I think he was upset about how many times he had been to the hospital with me that year. I didn't yet know, but my life was about change drastically...<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>I feel I have come a long way in the last year, though I know I still now have a long way to go. I have ended my cancer journey (for good, I hope) and am about to embark on yet another journey. I don't think this is what is meant by "coming full circle," but I feel like things have done a 360 from where they were. The last few years have been quite the rollercoast<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>er.<br /><br />The next week is going to be a lot of remembering how far I have come. I tend to be dismissive of what I've gone through, like it's not really that big of a deal and it wasn't that bad. It <em>was</em> a big deal, and it <em>was </em>that bad. Yes, it definitely could have been worse, but it was pretty difficult. And here I am.<br /><br />As I push forward through this new journey, I need to remember the strength that is within me. I know I can make it through tough times--I have to make sure to remind myself of that.<br /> <br /> </div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com4tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-54913960887800810872009-11-18T17:37:00.001-06:002009-11-18T17:37:57.043-06:00Today...some Stuff...So...today. Had my neurology appointment this afternoon. Dr. Giuliani (department of Neurology, University of Minnesota) spent quite a bit of time with me, and he even brought in a colleague midway through the consult. They both feel that it is important for me to see either one of the two neurologist<div class="uc-message"><wbr><span class="wbr"></span>s that specialize in peripheral neuropathy, and that another EMG is warranted due to the progression of my symptoms. For those of you who may not know, an EMG is an electromyog<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ram. Basically they will be placing electrodes into my muscles and around my nerves to check on how well they are functioning. It works exactly like an electrical circuit--tw<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>o electrodes (needles) are placed at different ends of the nerves, and they look at things such as conduction velocity (how fast the electrical impulse is carried through the nerve), loss of electrical signal (also known as efficiency, indicating an interruptio<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>n in the nerve somewhere), and how well the nerves are able to be stimulated. The symptoms seem to point to multifocal motor neuropathy, but there are a few other disease processes that could be present. Starting with the EMG is good. I will also see Dr. Perry, who is one of two peripheral neuropathy specialists here at the U. The neurology clinic here is one of the best in the nation, and Dr. Perry and his colleague Dr. Walk are two of the best in the field. The literature I have read seems to indicate these two are the end-all and be-all of peripheral neuropathy. I have apparently seen them both previously (I do recall seeing Dr. Walk, and Dr. Perry conducting one of my EMGs). So, I am scheduled for the EMG with Dr. Perry on the 21st of December, and they are trying to get me booked with him in a consult shortly afterwards. Finally, some proactivity. Dr. Giuliani was great, but he is not a specialist in this kind of issue, which is why he is referring me. He was very helpful and very honest.<br /><br />That's all I really have for now! I hope everyone is doing well and getting geared up for the holidays!! </div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7722628275520878377.post-16822559488178543972009-11-15T23:04:00.000-06:002009-11-15T23:06:28.656-06:00New Pic, and some things to be thankful for...<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCIYYKc6Tq9XGJETuLYbfHHfuZVAIyFuJ5SXXjVPDIwb86NSKJ50c4Q4lAsRgo962k4oXX8FP6gJkiIaEyQQEtTU4MPFXQambpEJkW5cucNooroblXO0RJJ8QqbKEl0QsAyRycvUMru2-U/s1600/11558_324299255532_532250532_9850358_100558_n.jpg"><img style="margin: 0pt 0pt 10px 10px; float: right; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhCIYYKc6Tq9XGJETuLYbfHHfuZVAIyFuJ5SXXjVPDIwb86NSKJ50c4Q4lAsRgo962k4oXX8FP6gJkiIaEyQQEtTU4MPFXQambpEJkW5cucNooroblXO0RJJ8QqbKEl0QsAyRycvUMru2-U/s320/11558_324299255532_532250532_9850358_100558_n.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5404563401667830130" border="0" /></a><br /><div class="uc-message"> I am taking a break from studying and thought I would snap a pic real quick so everyone can see my hair and thinner face! I am freshly showered and completely exhausted, and I think the picture shows that.<br /><br />I'm very tired today, and not feeling like someone who has kicked cancer's ass. I feel like it's kicked ME, <em>hard</em>. I lost ten pounds in October--wh<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ile I'm thrilled because I'm working as hard as I can to lose the evil nasty cancer pounds, it does worry me a little because that is about 2.5 pounds a week which is a bit drastic. But, I am eating healthy stuff (putting that expensive education to some sort of practical use!) and walking as much as possible (seeming as to how I can't run or lift weights these days), so I'm not too worried that I'm missing out on nutrition. The thing that bothers me the most is the ridiculous swelling in my legs, the pain in my joints, the FATIUGE, and my hands. While the pain meds are working, this neuropathy thing seems to be acceleratin<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>g. It's been chilly lately (haha, but warm for MN!) and it seems like when the temp is below 60, my hands get cold <em>fast</em>. Like within minutes. Now what is occurring is when it's chilly (and I'm not talking freezing, just even on a day like today where the temp is in the 50s) my fingers will go numb and so will part of my left foot. Even in gloves and warm socks. This happened several times at work today. When I came home, before hopping in the shower, I ate a few cucumber slices from the fridge with some ranch dressing. My hands were warm when I started. Handling the cucumber slices made my fingers go numb, <em>and turn blue</em>. WTH?????? I hopped in the shower right away and rubbed my hands under the water but it didn't start to subside for about five or six minutes. Blue?? REALLY?!?! My nerves really must be wack!<br /><br />This is really frustrating...<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>to sit here and not know if I'm going to be able to function in six months. To worry that I am going to be told to wait again. To be frustrated yet again if I am told that yet another doctor, or team of doctors, has no idea what is wrong or how to fix it. Wednesday, I hope to see a medical professiona<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>l who will listen and help me find some answers.<br /><br />Well, I hope everyone is doing well this holiday season. I know that the holidays can be difficult for some who have endured financial hardship over the last few years. This economy has not been forgiving to those who were living paycheck-to<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>-paycheck in the first place.<br /><br />I would just like to take the time to remind everyone that many things of value have nothing to do with money. Next week, during Thanksgivin<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>g, take just a moment to think of those things. Sure, having <em>stuff </em>is nice. I can be as materialist<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ic as the next person. How about having an education? Nobody can own your knowledge. How about the relationshi<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ps of family? Kids look up to us, parents want better for us, siblings/au<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>nts/uncles/<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>cousins enjoy our company (even if they say they don't! lol). Some families have to do without their loved one. Do you love your pets, maybe? That uncondition<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>al love they give us--they don't care that we are young/old/f<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>at/skinny/b<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ald/hairy/u<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ncool/popul<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>ar/rich/poo<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>r. The sun rises and sets every day--that's a good thing. What about the beauty in nature? It's everywhere! And let's not forget about your health. I can attest to the fact that without your health, life can get very difficult. For those of you in good health--pay attention to it! Take care of it! Revel in it! Take advantage of it! It's a gift! Don't take your good health for granted, because when it's gone, you WILL miss it.<br /><br />Sooooo...lo<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>vely rant that was. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the day my life was changed forever. On the 2oth of November, I was clued in that something was wrong. On the 26th, my life, my perspective<wbr><span class="wbr"></span>, my body, my world--all were altered for good.<br /><br />If your life is good, and you love it, cherish that. If your life is not where you want it to be--CHANGE IT. Only you have the power to do that. </div>Nic Nhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08743199961288979699noreply@blogger.com1