Super Stories from the World of Hodgkins

must...bitch...or...head...will...combust...

2011-10-01T21:44:00.000-07:00

I feel a mix of bitching and bragging coming on. Figured I would at least hop on and throw all of that into a blog post before the ridiculous amount of caffeine I have consumed today wears off and I end up with a full QWERTY keyboard on my face. Hell, QWERTY wasn't even a word until computers began to consume our lives...whoops, totally off topic.

So, today I trekked down to Nerstrand Big Woods State Park in Northfield. I'm a volunteer field assistant for a field biology course at the junior college I attended before transferring to the U of M. It's exactly what it sounds like--checking out all the cool stuff Minnesota's natural landscape has to offer. I always, ALWAYS have fun helping out with these trips--this one in particular. I never thought that I would get a kick out of teaching, but I guess I have to do something with all this useless knowledge or my head is going to explode. My desire to help other students has its limits, though. I bet those of you who know me fairly well can see where this might be going.

Here is how this works:

The students prepare for the trip by researching a group of species in a list assigned to them by the course instructor. They are then supposed to create note cards for the species they are assigned; they should detail everything necessary to help them identify the species. It is strongly suggested that they draw themselves a picture. Yes, inevitably, one or two or seven students "forget" to complete their note cards and therefore know absolutely zip about what they are supposed to be identifying. No prob; shit happens, we get that, which is why we spend two or three hours doing the equivalent of a nature walk. I will point out the plant species they should know and ask them to identify it and explain the properties of the plant that helped them come to that conclusion. After that, the groups are mixed up so that there is at least one member representing each species set. They are then supposed to teach each other. This works best if every student is adequately prepared--meaning, done the proper research and created decent note cards. The little part of me that hasn't given up on humanity entirely and isn't permanently cynical also works best if everyone is adequately prepared. That part stops functioning when someone gets snotty about it. Oh, you're not prepared? You couldn't spare one whole hour out of your busy week? And then, OH, you're going to get testy with me and toss a smartass comment when I ask you a question! How delightful! You're on your own, buddy. This isn't public school--YOU (or your parents) are PAYING to be here! If you don't want to be here, we won't hold your hand and guide you back to reality; we are not going to sit and have a heart-to-heart complete with a demolished box of chocolates and six boxes of wet tissues. If you wish to separate from the group that actually wants to hear what I have to say, no problem. I won't chase you down. You don't care? Okay, then...NEXT!

I took little Sae Dee with me today. I was excited to see how she was going to do at the state park--LOTS of people, kids running around screaming, tons of other dogs, and stimuli everywhere. I found a little red bandana and used BRIGHT yellow puffy paint to stencil on the following sentence: Therapy Dog Evaluation In Progress -- Please Ask To Interact. I am looking for a very specific set of behaviors under a very specific set of circumstances. Part of my evaluation does include observing her reactions to other people, other dogs, and other unpredictable things that may be encountered. Several times, I would step aside into a clearing (off the trail) to observe her reaction to passers-by or to see if I could convince her to only focus on me. The back side of that bright red bandana with fluorescent writing was plainly visible. Most people were fairly good at asking if they could pet her; however, there were more of the type that would see what we were doing and holler out "awww, good girl! Good dog!" or talk in baby talk to her. AND...the one child that ran...yes, RAN...straight up to her and had the idea that giving her a pat meant smacking her right between her eyes. It wasn't hard, but ARRRRGGGGHHHHHH FOR F**K'S SAKE!! The parents did nothing and when I confronted them and advised that for safety's sake their children should always ask permission before petting someone else's dog, they acted like I had just asked them to light the kid on fire and make me some s'mores. I bit my tongue (yeah, amazing, I know) and just walked away. Hey, winner--if your kid had scared her enough to make her snap or bite, it would be all my fault, I'm sure. I don't mind the interaction; in fact, I WANT it, but because this was her very first evaluation I wanted those interactions to be as controlled as possible. I know, it's a stretch, and I did expect that kind of stuff, but that doesn't stop me from being annoyed. Then there was the jackass that brought his dog hiking with no leash. His very energetic, young dog that could not do a recall if his life depended on it. Sae Dee is a bit on the possessive side (something we need to work on), so the closer the dog came to us the more defensive she became. Not only is there a leash law in the state of MN--especially in state parks--but it's just good etiquette to leash your dog for everyone's safety, including his. I was sort of testy when I told him that his dog needed to be on a leash, and all he said was "oh, I'm sorry!" Took him and his girlfriend ~20 minutes to catch him and leash him. Part of the trail network cuts through an ecologically sensitive area that is the only home--anywhere--for an endangered species of lily. Guaranteed that his dog pissed all over the place, even though I didn't see it. Jackass.

Speaking of miss Sae Dee, she is doing VERY well. She is settled in and has definitely asserted herself as the boss of the 4-leggeds. Since she has now been well cared for and received adequate nutrition for almost five months, she is finally blowing her coat. Damn those double layered coats! I have her a very thorough brushing and imagine my surprise when the tiny bit of light brown-looking fur morphed into what might be tan (or even reddish) on all four legs, a bit of hue on her face, and a little on her belly. She is so fricken' cute!

Well, I am exhausted so I think I will leave this here for now. Hope you all are still reading!

I'm meeeeelllllltttttiiiiinnnnggggg...

2011-09-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

So, Minnesota weather has been cooperating quite well for the last few days. Much nicer to play Frisbee and ball when it's not hot enough to melt the toys (and the dogs!) to the sidewalk. Today on the other hand...not so much. I remember when I LOVED hot and humid weather. That was before chemo screwed up my internal thermostat. I am now quite happy with upper 60s and don't mind when it's chilly enough for hoodies. I still ABHOR our freezing winters, and as such am looking forward to the time when I will be back home in WA! There is just something so freakishly unnatural about chipping multiple inches of ice off of your sidewalk and being warned by the National Weather Service that being outside with any amount of bare skin will result in frostbite in less time than it takes one to say "It's f***ing cold out here."

I don't have any new photos of Sae Dee to share. This one was taken the same day she came home. I know, I know...I can hear it now: "Well, WTF have you been doing then??" I have been slowly but surely cleaning the house. One might be inclined to say that a hurricane tore through here, but I assure you that is not the case. In fact, it's something far less dramatic and newsworthy: when I arrived home from WI, I was so horribly sick that the only thing I was able to do was bring in the dog food and peel my clothes off before collapsing in the recliner. My week + recovery did nothing to minimize the mess I was creating just by being gross and sick. Ted heroically brought in my luggage and sundries, but I did not have the energy to put all of that away...and there it still lies. Don't worry, my love, it will all be nice and clean by the time you arrive home; I will then be back to my usual obsessive behaviors that consist of me following you around, turning off lights and pointing my finger at things that you leave in your wake such as pens, Post-Its, and junk mail, saying "Pick that up!" I will also obsessively move your important papers to stacks in your man-cave and not remember which stack is the most recent nor will I recall where the handwritten note with an important phone number or date or address made its way to. Love me, love my OCD coupled with chemo brain. I write myself reminder notes all over the house, but forget what they meant. Ignorance is NOT bliss, I can assure you!

So...had better get back to this mess before I lose motivation and decide to order pizza and watch a House marathon. I will leave you with this fabulous picture my friend took of Cody and I after I tossed him into the water tank.

I am also accepting ideas for the re-naming of my blog. I simply cannot come up with something that is catchy enough to attract new readers, is not heinously sarcastic, and encompasses the message I wish to convey. Comment or e-mail me with your ideas!

The End is the Beginning is the End

2011-08-29T13:03:00.000-07:00

So...it has been a while. Again. There is a purpose to my absence, however. Some things have happened that took me a little bit to wrap my head around.

The position that I interviewed for was a position as a riding instructor and caretaker for a riding program in Wisconsin, at a girls' summer camp in Minocqua. A few days later I was offered the position! I accepted on the condition that I bring Harley and Cody with me, and they were just fine with that. A few days before we were to leave, I brought them to our new vet to have Cody's vaccinations brought current and to evaluate Harley's soundness to make the trip. Dr. Mead and I both agreed that she would be okay, and we decided on a medication protocol for her. Tramadol 3x day to control her pain without making her too drowsy, Pepcid AC for her reflux, and mirtazapine as an appetite stimulant. She made HUGE strides in the following 24 hours; enough that I was confident that she would be okay. I sure was looking forward to sharing this wonderful opportunity with my pups! We left on the afternoon of the 21st.

The trip itself took a little while because I made frequent stops to check the pups and give Harley her meds. It was really hot that day. They were making the trip pretty well until we were almost there. Harley began to pant and look uncomfortable, so when I arrived I had my new roomies help me give her some fluids. With that, meds on board, and a little bit of food in her, she seemed to come around. She curled up in bed with me that night and she seemed SO relaxed and content--more so than she had been in a long time! I was awoken the next morning by a loud thud. When I sat up, I saw that Harley had collapsed on the floor, gasping for air, with gums and tongue so pale they were white. She used what little strength she had to walk outside, and collapsed again. She never got up again--she passed away right there. I actually panicked; I hadn't expected that and I tried to look up veterinary clinics on my Android while keeping an eye on her. There was a part of my brain that took over and forced me to realize that I would never be able to get someone there fast enough; I wouldn't have even had time to place a catheter myself. The whole ordeal was over in less than 20 minutes. She passed at 6:33 a.m. on the 22nd of July. The details of those 20 minutes are only for me to know.

Needless to say, I was completely heartbroken. My new roomies helped me get Harley into my car, and I drove to a local clinic--Northwoods Animal Hospital--to have her cremated. They were GREAT and even though I wasn't a client, they treated me with as much respect and sympathy as if I were. They were also very respectful of Harley. When I returned to pick up her ashes, there was an employee standing by the entrance with a beautiful Border Collie on a leash. As I walked past them with the tears streaming all across my face, the BC looked at me and wagged her tail in such a manner that I couldn't help but smile through my tears. The woman then asked me if I wanted to adopt her. I looked at her, and she was serious. I couldn't help but think that this situation was more than coincidence--I was originally supposed to pick up Harley's ashes the previous day but I was held up at the barn. The fact that we were all at the same place and at the same time was uncanny. Long story short, I asked to take her back to camp with me for a few days to see how she fit with me and with Cody. Everything went VERY well, and I was all set to take her in...but her owners changed their minds. Sigh...so back she went.

My time at Clearwater Camp for Girls was amazing!! I shared a cabin with two other women, one of whom was the Head of Riding, and the other an instructor and caretaker as well. They were SO awesome--they had barely even met me when Harley passed away but were very sympathetic and helpful. They urged me to take the day off, and later that afternoon they brought me a sympathy card and some flowers. I was completely floored. I feel like the three of us got along pretty well and made a great team. I mostly tried to observe how things were run and stepped up to help teach during our lessons as well as participating in the care and cleaning. The riding program consisted of 14 horses, 3 instructors, and a decent but small arena. We taught English riding skills to girls between the ages of 8 and 16 and would go on the occasional trail ride. The girls are scheduled for at least one lesson a week; some girls want to take on more so they sign up to be an "extended" rider, which means they ride 3 days a week. Those girls had the opportunity to participate in a Gymkhana event, which was a LOT of fun and something they were pretty proud of! The entire camp consists of two sessions running from the end of June until mid-July for the first session, and mid-July until mid-August for the second. Many girls stay for the full 7 weeks. I happened to come at the start of the second session, and returned on the 18th.

Everyone I met there was completely amazing. They all feel very strongly about the camp and its intended purpose to provide the girls with great experiences. No one there was harsh or judgmental, and embraced the myriad of things that make us all unique. Ideas and thoughts about the camp, the girls, the program, the staff, each other...all were warmly welcomed. I received a LOT of sympathy from everyone about Harley, and everyone seemed to LOVE Cody. He kind of has that effect on people! I do hope that I am afforded the opportunity to return next summer--this was the first job I have had in a LONG time that didn't feel at all like a job. I felt like I belonged there. I had a TON of fun as well! Well, with the exception of the first day, and the last. I picked up some kind of nasty bug somewhere; the first day I was nauseated and vomiting; the second I was coughing and running a fever; by the time the morning of the 18th rolled around, I was heavily congested, feverish, and coughing so hard that I was gagging and vomiting and even made myself pass out a few times. I stayed in bed the entire day, and finally was able to leave late in the afternoon on the 19th. I have been laid up for the last eight days--went to urgent care and had a chest rad to rule out a fungal infection, and a culture for whooping cough. I haven't received the culture results yet. I'm feeling a lot better, but if I over-do things and try to do too much, I pay for it. Slowly but surely, I am recovering!

So...two new bits of news that are exciting for Ted and I. Ted took an active duty position with the Guard again. He is working in Range Control, which means he will be working to manage the safety and organization of training and live fire operations at Camp Ripley. Unfortunately, this means that he will be staying up there for the next year...again. The bonus: active duty benefits and pay. That includes 30 days of paid leave, so we will be able to see each other more than just on the weekends. Need I say more?

The second little bit of news: we have welcomed a new member into our little family. Her name is Sae Dee, and she is a six-year-old blue merle Australian Shepherd. I had been perusing through the herding dogs (like Border Collies, Collies, Shelties, Aussies, and others) posted on Petfinder for a couple of weeks, and I saw her photo and thought she was just stunning. I have always loved the blue merle variation in the herding dogs. When I had the little Border Collie girl staying with me at camp, it kind of showed me that while I am still grieving for Harley, there is enough love in my heart to give another buddy a chance. So...I e-mailed the rescue group that was caring for her and set up a "meet and greet" for Sunday (yesterday). Ted and I both fell for her, and she came home with us that day and she is now officially part of our crazy household! She and Cody are getting along; I am not sure that he is going to bond with her as he did with Harley but at least he is now beginning to come out of his depression a bit. He has seemed so lost without Harley. Sae Dee and Scooter are for the most part aloof from each other; she doesn't like Mickey so much but tolerates him as long as he keeps his distance.

For those of you who might criticize me for adopting a dog so soon after Harley's passing, don't. I am in NO way trying to "replace" Harley; that is impossible. I am still grieving for her, but I feel very strongly that wherever she may now be, she has been facilitating these "chance" encounters. The universe has aligned in such a way as to show me that in helping another pup have a chance at a happy life, I will be helping myself through the grief and sense of loss I am feeling.

I think this is where I will stop for now. I'm looking at this post and thinking, "Holy shit, no one is going to want to read all of this!!" If you do, you do...if you don't, you don't. I won't be offended either way, but I do hope that you will share my life with me through this blog. I am still considering changing the name, but I have yet to figure out an appropriate one. I will try a LOT harder to update more often so that I don't post these fricken novels all the time.

I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Seems like it is over way too quickly...I am dreading winter as I always do. Keep in touch, y'all!

Strings of FAB-U-LOUS!!

2011-07-14T01:17:00.000-07:00

Quick update on Harley-boo:

She has been steadily but slowly improving this week. I think we have reached an impasse at this point. While she is pretty short on energy (and I'm working on that part), she doesn't appear to be in any distress and she is still interested in stuff, even though she doesn't really hop up and go bounding around like she used to. Except when we go outside. She loves being outside as much a possible, so we take a lot of short walks together while she carries her new tennis ball in her mouth. Her breathing is often quite short and shallow, and she seems to be expending increased effort on exhalation. I am equating that to my assumption that there are mets to the lungs, and there may just be a slight obstruction somewhere along the lines. She doesn't seem at all distressed, and since I am taking my cues from her, we just take things easy. She is still coughing, but there has been no change in the frequency. She eats kind of sporadically, so I am looking to supplement her with a multivitamin and extra calories.

Little piece of Nicole news: I interviewed yesterday for a position that I feel will be a good fit for me. I sensed some pretty good vibes from the interview, so hopefully I will be receiving an offer in the next few days! I'll keep you all posted!

Good News is Relative

2011-07-11T00:12:00.000-07:00

Harley seems to be doing MUCH better. She is still pretty lethargic and I do have her on a relatively high dose of tramadol. Today was the best out of the last week--we went for a walk and played ball!! She was just trotting all over the street with her ball in her mouth like she had already forgotten how sick she is! She's eating, not drinking nearly as much water, playing a bit, and the swelling is almost gone from her abdomen. She still coughs, but it's not as frequently and I have seen no blood. Her breathing is fast and shallow though, and she is exerting some effort on exhale. She still tires quickly--but she has been able to go longer periods of time being active. Her mucous membranes have a bit more color in them, too. Her bloods weren't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I know that this is probably just temporary, but a part of me hopes that this means she will be comfortable and with me for a little bit longer.

Okay, apparently I am too tired to remember how to load a Word or PDF into my blog. I wanted to post Harley's blood results; I'm going to have to go REALLY ghetto and just copy & paste. Sorry if it looks completely terrible.

Accession No. Doctor Owner Pet Name Received

CHBC53689039 AM NIZZI HARLEY 07/09/2011

Species Breed Sex Pet Age Reported

Canine Labrador Retriever SF 8Y 07/09/2011 05:28 AM

Test Requested Results Reference Range Units

Vet Screen

Total Protein 5.0 5.0-7.4 g/dL

Albumin 2.9 2.7-4.4 g/dL

Globulin 2.1 1.6-3.6 g/dL

A/G Ratio 1.4 0.8-2.0

AST (SGOT) 32 15-66 IU/L

ALT (SGPT) 20 12-118 IU/L

Alk Phosphatase 51 5-131 IU/L

Total Bilirubin 0.4 (HIGH) 0.1-0.3 mg/dL

BUN 20 6-31 mg/dL

Creatinine 0.9 0.5-1.6 mg/dL

BUN/Creatinine Ratio 22 4-27

Phosphorus 4.4 2.5-6.0 mg/dL

Glucose 117 70-138 mg/dL

Calcium 8.8 (LOW) 8.9-11.4 mg/dL

Corrected Calcium 9.4

Sodium 146 139-154 mEq/L

Potassium 3.4 (LOW) 3.6-5.5 mEq/L

Na/K Ratio 43 (HIGH) 27-38

Chloride 114 102-120 mEq/L

Cholesterol 141 92-324 mg/dL

CPK 161 59-895 IU/L

CBC

WBC 17.2 (HIGH) 4.0-15.5 10³/µL

Corrected for NRBCs

RBC 2.7 (LOW) 4.8-9.3 10⁶/µL

HGB 6.8 (LOW) 12.1-20.3 g/dL

HCT 21 (LOW) 36-60 %

MCV 77 58-79 fL

MCH 25.5 19-28 pg

MCHC 33 30-38 g/dL

Anisocytosis Moderate

Polychromasia Slight

NRBC 10 (HIGH) 0-1 /100 WBC

Blood Parasites None Seen

Platelet Count 101 (LOW) 170-400 10³/µL

Fibrin clumps present; micro-clotting in the sample may spuriously lower the platelet count and estimate.

Platelet count reflects the minimum number due to platelet clumping.

Platelet Est Adequate

Differential Absolute %

Neutrophils 15136 (HIGH) 88 2060-10600 /µL

Toxic Changes Slight

Bands 344 (HIGH) 2 0-300 /µL

Lymphocytes 688 (LOW) 4 690-4500 /µL

Monocytes 344 2 0-840 /µL

Eosinophils 688 4 0-1200 /µL

Basophils 0 0 0-150 /µL

Comment

Blood smear reviewed by technologist.

In other news, if you are reading this and I have pictures for you, rest assured that I am working on them. I think I took on WAY too many projects. It seems like the folders full of raw image files never get any smaller.

I am thinking of changing the name of my blog to reflect the fact that I told cancer to go to hell. My friend Sara Williams (her wonderful blog can be found here) sort of inspired me to want to do that as she had changed her blog name to reflect her remission from breast cancer. What do you guys think? Any ideas?

Yep, I'm going to bed. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................

The Beginning is the End is the Beginning

2011-07-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Hey, all--

Harley has continued to deteriorate. She did not eat her breakfast this morning, even though I opened up a can of really smelly tuna and mixed it in with her kibble. So, I have given her the max dose of pain meds that I am comfortable giving her...we'll see what happens.

**update** Haha, I didn't post this right away! Good thing, though...so, Justin stopped by to see Harley this morning and pose for a few portrait shots. She seemed to come around and was definitely more animated! When we came back inside, I set her food bowl down and she ate a little bit!! She is still very lethargic and sedentary, but is awake and interactive, even rolling over for tummy rubs. Her abdomen feels a bit distended to me...I'm concerned about her liver a bit.

Our vet visit last night to the "new" clinic went...okay. They pulled blood and were running a CBC and Vetscreen. The doc said she would call in the morning with the results, but by 10 a.m. I hadn't heard from her. There was a missed call on my cell from a number I didn't recognize, so I called the clinic to see about the results. If she called this morning but didn't leave a message, then the results probably aren't good but I wasn't expecting them to be.

Bobbi is here with me, helping me clean the house and keeping me company. I am so grateful she's here. I don't know if I would be holding together as well if she weren't.

Okay, I need to get to cleaning and take a shower. My friend Linda is coming over to take some portraits for me, and I haven't showered in a few days...nasty. I will keep you all posted. Thanks for your support--let me know if you're reading!

♥♥♥

And the circle of life continues...

2011-07-08T14:16:00.000-07:00

The time draws near...Harley has begun to decline, and it's happening fast. Just seven days ago, she was her usual spazzy self. She had been losing weight and coughing on and off for about a week but it wasn't slowing her down much. Monday, she didn't come racing down the stairs when Ted arrived home as she usually does. In fact, she did not come down at all. We called her down and she was VERY slow, a bit listless, and had her "wuss face" on. Tuesday night she began to smell strongly of bile (no vomiting) and continued to cough, but all else was normal. Wednesday she began coughing up blood clots and smelling of bile again. Her mucous membranes were pale and she was a bit wobbly in the rear. On a hunch, I scoured the backyard and found she had been having bloody diarrhea. She was up for a walk, though, so we went to the nice, grassy spot by the tennis court and she found a tennis ball to play with! We had 6 or 7 throws before she pooped right out. Thursday was not much better, but not worse, either...until Thursday night. Debilitating lethargy, increased water intake, and we took a short walk and she only chased the ball twice. She ate dinner last night very slowly, and her breakfast even slower. She slept most of the day today, and around three we went out in the backyard as I was hoping it would lift her spirits a bit. I brought out two of her favorites: baby carrots and peanut butter, which she was slow to eat. She drank a LOT of water. Her mucous membranes are grey, almost white, so I have opted to run some blood tests so I can see where we are and evaluate her needs. Her regular vet kind of dropped the ball (they are supposed to be an urgent care clinic as well, but wouldn't see her until Monday), so we are going to a different (new) place that squeezed us in so we could avoid the after-hours clinic charges. 7:20 p.m. tonight. She has just now gone to bark at the neighbor--I think I may have to go rescue her from the stairs because she hasn't come back down yet.

I have a large list of people whom I am very grateful for. They have really pulled together to help me over the last few months, and especially today. I don't have the time to list them all now, but they know who they are. Thank you.

I will try to update as much as possible via this blog. Stay tuned.

No, I haven't disappeared...

2011-05-26T11:34:00.000-07:00

Wow. It's been a REALLY long time since I have posted anything at all on my blog. I apologize for that, and I assure you that it wasn't due to a health crisis!

The pic was taken at the Taste of Minnesota last year during the Seether/Offspring/311 concert. Which was AMAZING!

The last year and a half has been a steady string of difficulties, both financial and otherwise. As most of you already know, Ted and I were married last year. That has been the highlight of it all. We have experienced a LOT of financial issues ranging from Ted's pay constantly getting screwed up by the ARNG and his coming off of active duty to no civilian job, to me losing my job in March. A week after I lost my job, I nearly lost my sweet Harley to a burst spleen that was the result of hemangiosarcoma--cancer. With help from my mom (thanks, mom!!!), we bought her some time with an emergency surgery to remove her spleen. Hemangiosarcoma is pretty much a terminal condition. We nearly lost our home and had our power shut off this month, but were able to secure financial assistance through the VA. They also provided us with some food from their food shelf. I finally had to take a break from school as my grades were dropping precipitously, so I have taken spring and summer off and plan to resume in the fall. I have not been able to secure employment yet. My neuropathy has been accelerating--I am now losing muscle in both hands and the pain was becoming so debilitating that I wasn't getting much sleep. My regular doc put me on gabapentin and an antidepressant, which seem to be helping for now. One bright spot has been that Ted went back to work with Braxton Hancock (the company that laid him off over two years ago) two weeks ago. I don't want to elaborate too much on those details just yet; what I DO want to do is share something with all of you--especially those who know me as kind of a cynical, sarcastic jerk. While that is definitely what makes up most of my personality, those close to me (especially Ted) get to see a different side of my psyche on occasion. Below are a few excerpts from something I wrote for Ted. Yes, there was a lot more, but that is between Ted and me ;-)

Music speaks to me. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I can see the keys and chords. Every note is a vision into an interpretation of the melody and lyrics and every bar is a cohesive explanation of what brings the sounds together to create something representative of the full intention behind the music. That is the reason I have picked up many different musical instruments and always have an open mind to musical interpretation. Anyhoo, the whole point of this is that while ALL music speaks to me, especially that which I have written myself, there is a very small subset of songs from other musicians that dig me out of my own universe and speak even louder. I'm not a very emotional person and talking about matters of the heart like this is VERY foreign to me; I feel that the music that I love is able to stir me up and connect me with emotions I am typically detached from. The first time I heard this song, it reached right into me and reflected the love, frustration, and desperation I try to deal with every day. So, while these words and this melody are not of my creation, I think the music in all its entirety reflects how I feel far better than I am able to express on my own. The band is called The Script, and they hail from Ireland. I think they are very talented and very in touch with the music that is inside of them. It seems that every time I feel overwhelmed by our string of bad luck, this song pops onto the radio. I know it's a coincidence, but it's a helpful one for me and I just keep plugging away.

"For The First Time"

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess
is it god's test,
Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best,

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while ya
We're smiling but we're close tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

[x3]
Oooooo

She's in line at the DOLE*
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,

Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

Ooooo
[x3]

Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time

ooooo...., yeahh for the first time
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)

[x4]
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

{* DOLE is the unemployment line in Ireland}

Heavy Hearts

2010-06-23T09:38:00.001-07:00

I know that it has been a very long time since I have updated on here. I do have a lot to say, but today, my heart is very heavy.

My heart is broken. The Potvin family has had to say goodbye to sweet Ellie this morning. I hate this. It's not fair. A child's life should not be filled with pain and poor health. Cancer took her away from her family and the life she should have had. She was brave, and now her family is left asking, "Why?" Have peace, sweet Ellie. May you be whole again. If you have a minute, please stop by Ellie's site and show your support for the family she leaves behind: http://www.

caringbridge.org/visit/elliepotvin

I would like to wish my friend Patti a happy birthday. I know that the day is heavy and so are our hearts, but she deserves some happiness. I hope she can find some today.

I will end here, but rest assured that I will post a more thourough update very soon.

Whoa, Nelly!

2010-02-03T21:19:00.000-08:00

It's been a while...I know. A lot has been happening, and right now I will do my best to slam out an update.

As most everyone knows, Ted and I were engaged on Christmas Eve. We have set a date...March 21st! It's going to be a VERY small ceremony--an Army chaplain is going to come out to a location of our choosing and do a short (nonreligious) ceremony. We are planning on throwing a big party at his parents' home at the end of August, so save the date--it will be the weekend of the 28th/29th!

As for the neuropathy--I had an appointment on the 7th of January with Dr. Walk, who specializes in distal neuropathies such as the one I am experiencing. At the time, he felt that we should be exploring some other options, namely Sjogren's syndrome (an autoimmune disorder), fibromyalgia (widespread pain disorder) and rheumatological disease processes such as rheumatoid arthritis. He also said that he could not rule out the possibility of this being a type of muscular dystrophy (such as the one my mom suffers from). He ordered several blood tests to do a few different immune assays, look for blood markers that would indicate fibro, and also to look for the presence of enzymes that would indicate a dystrophic disorder. He also ordered another, very specific, EMG to be conducted on my right hand to see if he could find a conduction block in my right median nerve (the nerve that runs through the carpal tunnel), as well as a referral to an orthopedic surgeon and a rheumatologist, and a referral for occupational therapy. He also changed my pain management protocol. I am now taking amitriptyline daily and tramadol as needed for pain. He did give me some definitive information--the atrophy of the muscles and the severe nerve damage in my left hand is permanent and very likely progressive. My right hand may be in the same boat. He feels very strongly that anything requiring dexterity and strength of my hands will be very difficult for me to do. I saw him again last week for the EMG, and we went over a few things. My bloodwork was mostly normal--although there was an elevated CPK level. CPK is creatinine phosphokinase, an enzyme that is present when there is muscle destruction. It is normally only elevated in bodybuilders, people with moderate to severe injuries, and people with muscular dystrophy. CPK cleans up dead and dying muscle tissue. We will re-check this in a few weeks and monitor it. If it continues to be elevated, we will skip over a lot of the diagnostics (since most have been conducted anyway) and right to a muscle biopsy to look for indicators of a muscular dystrophy. The EMG is very suggestive that this issue is related to carpal tunnel syndrome--which neither of us is very confident about. His lack of confidence in that kind of diagnosis is very apparent, but he can find nothing at all that would suggest otherwise. He is as frustrated and confused as I am. So, we will see what Dr. Putnam (the orthopedic surgeon) says. We will probably go ahead with the carpal tunnel release surgery on my right hand and go from there. Dr. Walk and I are both worried that we will do the surgery and the atrophy and loss of use will continue, but he cannot see any other indicators that anything else is wrong. It is possible that carpal tunnel syndrome is wholly responsible for the nerve damage in my left hand--the nerve may have been so beat up for so long that by the time I had the surgery it was already too late to save it. It is also possible that there is something else going on, but because we don't know what that might be, we have to start somewhere. So, I will probably be having surgery at some point this year on my right hand.

The new pain meds are working, but I have had to have my dosage increased to manage the pain properly. There are side effects, but they are very minimal--mostly weird dreams and drowsiness. The tramadol I cannot take at work because it makes me too sleepy, and that is just downright dangerous. I am back to one day a week now that classes have started again, so I manage. Occupational therapy is all about showing me how to cope with losing the ability to use my hands normally, and has been quite helpful. We are also trying kinesiotape, which I have used before. Kinesiotape is a stretchy, sticky cloth tape that is placed on the skin over the spots where sensory nerves reach the skin. It uses the sense of proprioception to fool the brain into ignoring signals from certain nerves in an area of the body. Proprioception is all about your brain interpreting important signals from ones that it can overlook. For instance, proprioception allows me to type without looking at the keys. It also allows us to keep our eyes on the road while we drive--if proprioception didn't exist, we would have to look at everything that is passing by and wouldn't be able to pay attention. It also allows us to tune out the signals from our skin sensing our clothing, which is the very signal that kinesiotape is attempting to manipulate. By training the brain to ignore extra signals it is receiving from my hands and arms, we are able to manipulate it into (hopefully) ignoring the sensation of pain. I've been wearing it for two days and I think that the combination of the pain meds and the tape is working--I don't feel as painful as I did even a week ago. This may be incredibly helpful.

As for my vet school chances...well...I don't like to think about that right now. I don't know that vet school will be a realistic possibility for me. It is downright dangerous to work with horses (or any animal, for that matter) when you don't have hand strength. We will see what the next year brings; at the very least, I am going to have to put off applying for another year while we play the waiting game after surgery. Please don't ask me about this, or try to blow sunshine up my butt (sorry for the rude analogy) by telling me that there are still things that I can do in the profession, because I know the reality of my situation. The reality is that if my right hand fails me as well, I will not stand a chance to be successful in veterinary medicine. We shall see.

Enough about me. I received a devastating phone call from a very good friend of mine on the 7th of January. Her husband, a combat engineer in the Army, was killed in Afghanistan that day. I didn't even know what to say; I was completely speechless. He was a good man, a great husband and father, and a dedicated soldier. I felt so isolated and so far away from my friend (they are stationed in Anchorage, Alaska) that I decided within five minutes of speaking with her that I would make sure and attend the services. We couldn't really afford for both Ted and I to go, so it was just I that went. The services were held in Fort Lewis, WA, then we were escorted by the police and the Patriot Guard up north to Kent where he was buried. That was a very difficult day--the sound of the bagpipes playing "Taps" and "Amazing Grace" to the sound of the rain and of my friend mourning the loss of her soul mate was the loneliest, most heartbreaking sound I have ever heard in my life. It was almost too much to bear, but I had to remember that I was not there for me, I was there for my friend and her family. They have three sons, ages 6, 5, and 2. I can't even begin to tell you how heartbroken I am for my friend and her boys. I want to make sure all of you know that Jason was defending YOUR freedom; whether you agree with the war or not, you should always remember that he sacrificed himself as a part of his duty to defend our country. I thank him, as I thank his wife (my friend) and their three sons. Such a high price to pay to ensure the freedoms that many of us take for granted. You can read about him here: http://www.thenewstribune.com/partners/theolympian/story/1050075.html?storylink=fb A memorial fund has been set up for my friend Tiffany and their boys with Wells Fargo. The picture at the top of this post was taken by my friend Susanne--she snapped some amazing and heart-wrenching photographs of the services that day.

Never forget. I won't. I am proud to have called Jason friend; I am honored to have known him. His loss will be felt for a long time, but he will never, EVER be forgotten.

I was in WA from Friday the 29th - Monday the 1st. As most of you know, I have been considering moving back to WA for some time now. This visit has strengthened my resolve--I now know that I belong there. I miss my friends, the people that have grown to be my family. My support system is huge there. It's not that I don't have a support system here in MN, because I do. I would miss my friends here terribly. But I hate winters here, and they are long. I miss the ocean. I miss the smell of evergreens and rain. I miss the places and people that used to be such a huge part of my life. I have reconnected with my oldest friend--we have known each other since we were about 7 or 8 years old. It was like I never even left--just like we had been talking every day for the last 15 years. I want that all back so badly I can taste it. I want to be closer to Tiffany (she is moving back to WA to be closer to her family). I want to be able to hang out with one of my best friends, Brian, as much as possible. He's like a male version of me. I want to reconnect with friends that I haven't seen in almost 15 years. I didn't have enough time to see everyone I wanted to see, and I'm disappointed about that, but I promise, I will be back. I just have to convince Ted that it's a good idea for him, too...for me, coming back here to MN was like leaving him behind. My heart aches and I feel so depressed and empty. I will miss all of my really good friends that I have made here, but I have found where I belong. I think I have always somehow known that I should be in WA, but it has taken an awful lot of maturity for me to realize that the BS is behind me and is going to stay there. Thank you to all of my friends, especially Melissa and Brian, for making my trip as wonderful as it could be under the circumstances. Tiffany--I <3 you and you know I will do anything you ask of me. The rest of you--you all know who you are--I will see you soon. Until then, let's not lose touch. I miss you all terribly.

I will keep everyone posted on the neuropathy front.
'Til then, take care!!

<3

Christmas Surprises!

2009-12-26T15:10:00.000-08:00

*whew*

Finals are over...the holiday mad rush is over...my stress level is WAAAAAAY down. The house is almost clean again, now that I have time (and help!). Ted is home through the 4th (he got back on the 16th) and it really is nice to have him around. I've been so busy with school I hadn't really realized how much I missed him!

And now for my big surprise...Ted proposed on Christmas Eve! I, of course, said yes. I now have a very pretty sparkly on my finger--I'll post a picture. We don't have any solid plans yet, but I will let you all know as soon as we figure it out! Quite a nice ending to kind of a rotten year.

I hope everyone had a great holiday. I think that regardless of religious preferences or what kinds of holidays you actually celebrate, this is the time of year when you sit back and think about what you truly value. We didn't celebrate necessarily, but we did have dinner with my boss's family and then I worked the afternoon. We came home and had dinner and just hung out with each other, which was really nice. Christmas Eve was spent shoveling! We received almost a foot of snow from the winter storm that rolled through here beginning Wednesday. It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but winter and I don't particularly like each other!

Oh, and my neurology appointment last week was...alright. Apparently I had canceled it (according to the receptionist that is--I most definitely did NOT cancel it), but they managed to squeeze me in anyway. I would have made a big stink about it if they hadn't. I won't know the results until I see a different neurologist (Dr. Walk) on the 7th. My oncology appointment on Tuesday went well--we went over a few things, like the fact that I seem to be picking up lots of cold bugs this year. I have been suffering from a particularly nasty cold the last week or so and Dr. Datta was a little concerned about the cough I had. Apparenly Hodgers have a pretty crappy immune system following treatment (more so than other cancers) and there isn't a lot of information pointing to why. So I will be receiving my H1N1 vaccination on Monday, and if my cough doesn't get better Dr. Datta wants to see me back. My counts were good, though, so we're all happy about that!

I do have a lot of things I would like to write about, but I'm kinda tired today and just want to relax and eat some soup and hang with Ted.

Merry (day after) Christmas, everyone! I hope Santa was good to you all!!

Cancer can kiss my a**

2009-12-08T11:26:00.001-08:00

This time a year ago...this day...around 12:30...I received the news that made everything else insignificant. Dr. Maddaus and Dr. Tallman had both called to tell me the pathology on the mass removed from my heart...lymphoma. I cried. I made Ted come home from running errands to tell him. My mom was there for me.

All the difference a year can make...here I am, worrying about finals instead of pain and chemotherapy. Working hard instead of being homebound and sleeping in a recliner. Wow.

Occasionally the reality of what transpired will REALLY hit me. How I almost died and came back spitting mad and fighting. Screw cancer. Go to hell, cancer!!!

No Title, Just Thoughts

2009-11-25T11:11:00.001-08:00

This time exactly a year ago...I was crashing. Doctors and nurses were working diligently to make sure I didn't die. It is totally crazy to think of how very far I have come in the year since then...I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around that!

One little update--Dr. Tallman says to start taking Zofran and Compazine on a schedule to avert the nausea and vomiting I seem to be experiencing. Hopefully that's only temporary!

I hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving...eat a lot, overindulge, and remember to think about the thinks you are truly thankful for....

Anyone Have A Barf Bag? It's Going To Be A Long Flight!

2009-11-22T20:21:00.001-08:00

Please, everyone, take a second to send some good thoughts to my Grandpa (my mom's dad). He had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance yesterday due to what turned out to be a TIA (transient ischemic attack). It's like a mini-stroke. He has had a few of these already, and I worry about him a lot. He seems to be doing okay and it sounds like he will probably get to go home tomorrow. Get better, Grandpa. I can't wait to see you again.

I am not feeling well today :(

The pain meds are making me sick. Although they make my pain DISAPPEAR and I feel like I could start training for a marathon, I have been vomiting all weekend. Yeah, you know you wanted to hear that...I promise I won't tell you what it looked like ;) I have been nauseated all week, but the other stuff started Friday. I actually woke up out of a dead sleep to be sick last night. I took some Zofran this morning that I have left over from my chemo stash just so I could get to work today. It helped for a little while, but I ended up getting sick twice at work. I plan on calling Dr. Tallman tomorrow morning to see what he thinks. I definitely don't want to stop taking this stuff since it has basically changed my life for the time being. I will happily skip off, holding hands with nausea if it means I can be relatively pain free. But yakking...no thanks. I like my breakfast to stay where I put it. I also have a migraine that has been coming and going since yesterday morning. Boo.

Britt--I'm glad we could share this nauseating experience! :)

I hope everyone is thinking turkey. Or tofurkey. I will be working this Thanksgiving (far cry from where I was last year!!!), but on Saturday Ted and I are going to have dinner with his parents.

Off to studying in bed I go.

Reflections

2009-11-20T21:10:00.001-08:00

Wow...one year ago today, I was sitting in the emergency room at the University hospital thinking I was having a heart attack. Ted was mad at me and we got into an argument...I think he was upset about how many times he had been to the hospital with me that year. I didn't yet know, but my life was about change drastically...I feel I have come a long way in the last year, though I know I still now have a long way to go. I have ended my cancer journey (for good, I hope) and am about to embark on yet another journey. I don't think this is what is meant by "coming full circle," but I feel like things have done a 360 from where they were. The last few years have been quite the rollercoaster.

The next week is going to be a lot of remembering how far I have come. I tend to be dismissive of what I've gone through, like it's not really that big of a deal and it wasn't that bad. It was a big deal, and it was that bad. Yes, it definitely could have been worse, but it was pretty difficult. And here I am.

As I push forward through this new journey, I need to remember the strength that is within me. I know I can make it through tough times--I have to make sure to remind myself of that.

Today...some Stuff...

2009-11-18T15:37:00.001-08:00

So...today. Had my neurology appointment this afternoon. Dr. Giuliani (department of Neurology, University of Minnesota) spent quite a bit of time with me, and he even brought in a colleague midway through the consult. They both feel that it is important for me to see either one of the two neurologist

s that specialize in peripheral neuropathy, and that another EMG is warranted due to the progression of my symptoms. For those of you who may not know, an EMG is an electromyogram. Basically they will be placing electrodes into my muscles and around my nerves to check on how well they are functioning. It works exactly like an electrical circuit--two electrodes (needles) are placed at different ends of the nerves, and they look at things such as conduction velocity (how fast the electrical impulse is carried through the nerve), loss of electrical signal (also known as efficiency, indicating an interruption in the nerve somewhere), and how well the nerves are able to be stimulated. The symptoms seem to point to multifocal motor neuropathy, but there are a few other disease processes that could be present. Starting with the EMG is good. I will also see Dr. Perry, who is one of two peripheral neuropathy specialists here at the U. The neurology clinic here is one of the best in the nation, and Dr. Perry and his colleague Dr. Walk are two of the best in the field. The literature I have read seems to indicate these two are the end-all and be-all of peripheral neuropathy. I have apparently seen them both previously (I do recall seeing Dr. Walk, and Dr. Perry conducting one of my EMGs). So, I am scheduled for the EMG with Dr. Perry on the 21st of December, and they are trying to get me booked with him in a consult shortly afterwards. Finally, some proactivity. Dr. Giuliani was great, but he is not a specialist in this kind of issue, which is why he is referring me. He was very helpful and very honest.

That's all I really have for now! I hope everyone is doing well and getting geared up for the holidays!!

New Pic, and some things to be thankful for...

2009-11-15T21:04:00.000-08:00

I am taking a break from studying and thought I would snap a pic real quick so everyone can see my hair and thinner face! I am freshly showered and completely exhausted, and I think the picture shows that.

I'm very tired today, and not feeling like someone who has kicked cancer's ass. I feel like it's kicked ME, hard. I lost ten pounds in October--while I'm thrilled because I'm working as hard as I can to lose the evil nasty cancer pounds, it does worry me a little because that is about 2.5 pounds a week which is a bit drastic. But, I am eating healthy stuff (putting that expensive education to some sort of practical use!) and walking as much as possible (seeming as to how I can't run or lift weights these days), so I'm not too worried that I'm missing out on nutrition. The thing that bothers me the most is the ridiculous swelling in my legs, the pain in my joints, the FATIUGE, and my hands. While the pain meds are working, this neuropathy thing seems to be accelerating. It's been chilly lately (haha, but warm for MN!) and it seems like when the temp is below 60, my hands get cold fast. Like within minutes. Now what is occurring is when it's chilly (and I'm not talking freezing, just even on a day like today where the temp is in the 50s) my fingers will go numb and so will part of my left foot. Even in gloves and warm socks. This happened several times at work today. When I came home, before hopping in the shower, I ate a few cucumber slices from the fridge with some ranch dressing. My hands were warm when I started. Handling the cucumber slices made my fingers go numb, and turn blue. WTH?????? I hopped in the shower right away and rubbed my hands under the water but it didn't start to subside for about five or six minutes. Blue?? REALLY?!?! My nerves really must be wack!

This is really frustrating...to sit here and not know if I'm going to be able to function in six months. To worry that I am going to be told to wait again. To be frustrated yet again if I am told that yet another doctor, or team of doctors, has no idea what is wrong or how to fix it. Wednesday, I hope to see a medical professional who will listen and help me find some answers.

Well, I hope everyone is doing well this holiday season. I know that the holidays can be difficult for some who have endured financial hardship over the last few years. This economy has not been forgiving to those who were living paycheck-to-paycheck in the first place.

I would just like to take the time to remind everyone that many things of value have nothing to do with money. Next week, during Thanksgiving, take just a moment to think of those things. Sure, having stuff is nice. I can be as materialistic as the next person. How about having an education? Nobody can own your knowledge. How about the relationships of family? Kids look up to us, parents want better for us, siblings/aunts/uncles/cousins enjoy our company (even if they say they don't! lol). Some families have to do without their loved one. Do you love your pets, maybe? That unconditional love they give us--they don't care that we are young/old/fat/skinny/bald/hairy/uncool/popular/rich/poor. The sun rises and sets every day--that's a good thing. What about the beauty in nature? It's everywhere! And let's not forget about your health. I can attest to the fact that without your health, life can get very difficult. For those of you in good health--pay attention to it! Take care of it! Revel in it! Take advantage of it! It's a gift! Don't take your good health for granted, because when it's gone, you WILL miss it.

Sooooo...lovely rant that was. I am coming up on the one year anniversary of the day my life was changed forever. On the 2oth of November, I was clued in that something was wrong. On the 26th, my life, my perspective, my body, my world--all were altered for good.

If your life is good, and you love it, cherish that. If your life is not where you want it to be--CHANGE IT. Only you have the power to do that.

Hanging Out

2009-11-06T20:17:00.000-08:00

Just sitting around on a Friday night...no plans, Ted is still in Wisconsin. I thought maybe I could give a teeny update...or something.

I received some new pain meds last week, and they seem to be helping a little more. Think Advil on steroids...

what I was given is called indomethacin and it's typically given to people who have moderate to severe gout or rheumatoid arthritis to control the pain of flare-ups. I'm not quite as stiff and sore in the mornings, my hands don't ache nearly as much, and my knees and ankles aren't quite as painful. I'm still swollen, mostly in my legs, and I still can't wear my rings. Two more weeks and I will get to chat with a new neurologist and see what he has to say.

Yesterday, my friend Britt had to say goodbye to her faithful companion Gabe. Gabe is a Thoroughbred gelding who had been suffering from an autoimmune disorder this past year or so. It had come to the point that the treatment for the disease was just as bad as the disease, and flare-ups were becoming difficult to control. Britt made a decision that was not easy--one that was the final act of selflessness. She put the welfare of her friend before her desire to have him with her. I can respect that decision, and sympathize 100%. Gabe was a strong, sweet, brave, honest, and handsome horse, and he will not soon be forgotten.

Rest in peace, Gabriel--run free and untouched by the plague of illness, released from the prison of a broken body, as beautiful as the sunrise and swift as the desert wind.

Hello all!!

2009-10-27T10:22:00.001-07:00

Ho-ly COW!! It's been a ridiculously long time since I have been on here to update. That's a good thing, right? Yes!!

My last appointment with Dr. Datta (my onc) was at the end of September...nothing new to report! I don't see her again until December. The port is staying in for now--I will get to that in a second.

School is...okay. I took on a little too much at the beginning of the semester, but I have worked that out and am now working to get back on track. The good thing is that I am doing well in my classes. The semester is almost half over already...wow!! I've been really glad to get back into the swing of things and be busy.

Ted is still working at Camp Ripley. He is gone all week and is home on the weekends. His orders were extended to next October--yay--which means that he has a dependable job at least until next year!! Braxton-Hancock never called him back, and it sounds like they are still struggling. Ted will be going to Basic Non-Commisioned Officer Course next week--one step closer to becoming an officer in the National Guard. He's so smart, and everyone respects him, and he's getting the "in-charge" positions all the time. I'm very proud.

A spot of uncertain news concerning my health--this issue with my hands (weakness, muscle atrophy, numbness, loss of sensation, etc) and the residual swelling in my legs has come to the forefront of everything. I now have a considerable amount of joint pain and pain in my hands and forearms. My onc did a urinalysis a while back and there was apparently some protein in my urine, so she had me go see my regular physician, Dr. Tallman. Another urinalysis showed that my kidneys were fine and no protein. Any kind of kidney dysfunction would have explained the huge amount of water retention I seem to be experiencing. SOOO...Dr. Tallman thinks that the swelling in my legs and the issues with my hands may possibly be related by some sort of neuropathy (nerve disorder). A few years ago, I was pushing for some answers about whatever it is that is going on with my hands. I saw a few different doctors and was referred to the University neurology clinic. The doc I saw there was NOT proactive in the least--he did a blood test for a disorder called multifocal motor neuropathy--it's an autoimmune disorder where your immune system attacks the motor nerves in your extremities--and did not find the antibodies that would suggest this disorder. He told me that we would "wait six months and see what happens." Well, I was quite frustrated at that point and just figured that no one knew what was going on and that I would have to just push through it, and that it wouldn't get any worse. Well, it's getting much worse. I now have noticeable decrease in muscle mass in both hands and this relentless PAIN. I can barely wash my hair or dress myself, makeup has become an impossibility, brushing my teeth is very difficult, and I'm slow at work at drop things constantly. Dr. Tallman looked back through my chart and it appears that every doctor I saw felt very strongly about mulitfocal motor neuropathy. Had I known that, I would have been a little more proactive about getting a diagnosis two years ago. Now I'm in this situation where this is causing me considerable disabilty and I don't know what to do about it. Dr. Tallman referred me back to the University and urged me to be strongly vocal about finding a diagnosis. I have to know what's going on. I don't want to apply to vet school if two years into the program, I will be physically unable to do the work. If this is permanent and/or progressive, I have some decisions to make. I hate being in limbo like this. I see this neurologist on the 18th of November (soonest they could schedule me). I plan to be VERY vocal about what I want and why--if I can't get answers there, then I will find somewhere else. I'm tired of being in so much PAIN every day, I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything, and I'm tired of being so exhausted all the time. I want some answers.

So, as far as the port goes, I have opted to leave it in for now. If this IS a multifocal motor neuropathy, the treatment for that is IV immunoglobulins and I figure it will be much easier to do that with a port. I'm tired of being poked. I just want to be fricken NORMAL for once--not have to worry about my health all the time. Sometimes I get absolutely frustrated and wonder why this has to happen to ME. I've worked hard to maintain my health through responsible diet and exercise, stress management, etc...and then there are people who abuse the snot out of their bodies and can run marathons and are perfectly healthy!! Those thoughts soon pass as I think of how much worse off I could be--I have SEEN how much worse I could be--and I become thankful for what I do have. I think of all the wonderful people who are no longer with us who obviously have had things worse than me. My heart aches for their families, and it is (unfortunately) those thoughts that put things into perspective for me.

So, in the coming months, we will see what happens. I am anticipating a muscle/nerve biopsy and tons more blood tests at the very least.

I hope everyone is doing well and getting geared up for the holiday season that is soon to be upon us!

Blog, blog, blog.

2009-08-17T13:41:00.000-07:00

Hmmm...not much to update.

I (kind of) went back to work the first weekend of this month. I'm just working half days, but it feels soooooo good to be back. I really do love my job, even though it's not terribly hard. I'm pretty much just doing barn chores and turning in horses without cleaning stalls. It's very refreshing to be back in some capacity!

I had a birthday yesterday...

yikes. I know I have a lot to celebrate this year, but I have never really been one to celebrate my birthday. I kinda tried to keep it a secret from everyone, but I forgot that it's up on Facebook. Thanks to all my friends and family, though, that stopped by to wish me a happy birthday!

Classes start on the 8th of September...yeah, I'm a dork, I'm excited. I'm mostly excited to get back to a more normal routine, and to see everyone again. I will be graduating next year (FINALLY!!!!), so I'm, of course, getting very nervous about applying to vet school. I still have yet to take the GRE, so that's gotta get done this year...yikes!

Random question of the day: Have you ever sneezed into a cup of tea? I did, the other day. It makes a very interesting sort of gurgling sound, and a huge mess. I giggled like a four year old for about fifteen minutes while I was busy cleaning it up. Totally hilarious.

Poor Cody had to go to the vet a few weeks ago. I think he drank some lake water from Lake of the Isles, and ended up with very bad diarrhea. My poor boy spent most of his time outside for about five days--and he was on antibiotics and a special diet. He's much better now. His skin allergies flared up last month, and came to a head around the same time he was sick. What a miserable choco-dog! His guts are better, his skin is MUCH better, so he's a happy boy. Harley has managed to stay out of trouble--which is good because her Momma can hardly afford another doggie disaster requiring a trip to the vet. Poor Noel is a satellite dish--she has to wear her e-collar (cone) because she kept licking her left rear paw to the point that all the hair was gone and it was bleeding. That's better now, too.

Speaking of hair, I have to get a picture up here of mine! It's finally longer than Ted's...it's probably over an inch already! That does, however, mean that I have to shave my legs and pluck my eyebrows again...yuck. Take the good with the bad, I guess.

I did somehow manage to get the spring cleaning done that I missed this year. Not that I missed doing it, it just didn't get done on time. So, now it's done and it smells a little less like a kennel in here.

The tomato and cucumber plants are trying to take over the world--or at least our back yard. The cukes are on their last throes; the leaves are shriveling up and fewer fruits are appearing. One of the plants is apparently a "seed plant," meaning we are to take the seeds from the huge mutant cucumbers that grow from it. Seriously, I picked a cucumber last week that was almost two feet long and three inches wide, and there are two more that are going to be ready to pick soon! We have more tomatoes than we know what to do with--we canned some as diced tomatoes this past weekend, and there are a ton more that we will probably make into sauce. TONS of cherry tomatoes and jalepeno peppers, too. Maybe next year we can grow stuff like lettuce and corn--if we can keep the bunnies and squirrels out of it. I never knew that squirrels liked tomatoes--whatever!

I hope everyone is enjoying the rest of their summer! Talk to you all soon!!

Nicole

Clean Scans!!!

2009-08-04T21:50:00.000-07:00

My last scans are clean! Yayyyyy!!

Has it really been that long?

2009-07-26T22:05:00.000-07:00

Wow, I didn't realize until today how long it's been since I last wrote anything. No news is good news, right? I really do need to get back in the habit of writing--it is so therapeutic.

Things have been kind of a rollercoast

er over the last month. My relationship with Ted has been very strained, and I hate to say this but it's because of money. I'm not working--my old job doesn't have any regular hours for me right now--and it doesn't look like I will be any time soon due to this crappy economy. I have come to realize that I can no longer afford to live in the house we are in. I hate that, because it means we have to move. I like our landlords a lot, I like the house and the neighborhood we live in. Plus I just flat out don't want to move. Of course, I get angry about it because if it hadn't been for the cancer, things would be fine because I would still be working. I know I can't dwell on that because I am bummed enough about our situation. I hadn't planned on having to look for another job until after I graduated--I am unprepared for having to interview with anyone. I have nothing nice to wear (the things I do have are too small now because of the stupid CANCER WEIGHT!!!). Buying stuff is out of the question. It is what it is...I just have to deal with it. I'm still having some trouble with my health insurance...that's a story all in itself so I'm not going to get into it here. It's slowly getting figured out, but all I can say is to those of you who support government backed health care, well, if it is going to be anything like what I have had to deal with then I'd rather go without. You can also ask anyone who has had to deal with the VA hospitals (which are government run), and they will tell you that government run health care is a bad idea in general. I agree.

I have my final PET/CT scans on Wednesday of this week. I'm sure they won't show anything new, so I'm not really anxious or anything (although the thought IS in the back of my mind, always). I'm actually more annoyed than anything, because I won't get to eat breakfast and I have to sit and try to nap for an hour. Stupid cancer has ruined everything, and now I'm left to try to put the pieces of my life back together.

My hair is growing back. I will post a pics soon. My eyebrows grew back completely about two weeks ago (darn it!), and I have to shave my legs again. But the hair on my head is growing back somewhat quickly--it's about 3/4 of an inch long. I've suddenly got all this peach fuzz all over my face that I never had before--you know, like what you have when you're a little kid. I hope it goes away soon because when I wear makeup it sorta makes me look like I've got a radioactive glow (and who would question that after I tell them what's been injected into my body? HAHA.).

On a more somber note, last week the cancer community lost a brave and inspiring young man. His fight against leukemia was long--most of his 12 years on this Earth--but he is finally at peace and without pain. His family has been left with a hole in their lives, but they are strong and they soldier on. Please, take a moment to visit the site of Kyle Lindgren and read the words his mom Denise had to say about her son. https://www.caringbridge.org/co/kylel/index.htm

I went to the Covey family reunion in Winner, SD this month and had a blast! It was fantastic to see everyone again, as well as meet a few new faces. I hope that I am able to do it again soon. I was also able to spend some time catching up with a very dear friend of mine. It was a really good trip.

That's all I have for now. I promise, I will try a lot harder to update more often...I miss writing.

I hope everyone is well!

Devastation

2009-06-25T17:50:00.000-07:00

I just found out some awful news. A member of my wonderful online cancer community and someone I now consider a friend, Liz Anderluh, found out today that her daughter Shea, who was diagnosed with the same lymphoma as I and completed her treatment the end of January, has relapsed. She was originally diagnosed at stage 2A and is now at stage 4B, with lung metastasis. After a good cry, I called my mom to let her know.

Shea is fifteen years old, and this is so unfair. I would take cancer twenty times over again or twenty times worse if it meant that Shea would not have to go through this, ever again.

Please visit her CaringBridge site to show your support for the family during this difficult time...it would mean a lot to me.

https://www.caringbridge.org/visit/sheaanderluh

The Ridiculous Cost of Neulasta

2009-06-25T17:18:00.000-07:00

OK, I'm very, very confused, shocked, and quite frankly, disgusted.

I just received a statement from the Masonic Cancer Center. You know, one of those things that they send that tell you how much everything costs and how much your insurance paid towards it. Through an insurance snafu, it appeared that I did not have coverage for the month of June when, in fact, I did. Because of that, MCC is sending me a bill for my last chemo treatment and the Neulasta injection. That is not what is so shocking (as it will be straightene

d out on Monday and I shouldn't have to pay anything). What made me choke on my own spit was the price of the Neulasta: $7618.00. PER INJECTION. The cost for one injection is more than all of my chemo, which they charge per drug as well as a charge for putting each of the drugs into me. That's not the part that DISGUSTS me. My insurance recieves a discount of almost $3000.00 on the Neulasta, as well as a discount on all other services! Now, I knew this discounting was a regular occurence. What disgusts me is that while Medica receives this great discount, someone without insurance (assuming they would even be able to AFFORD these treatments at all) would have to pay the full price for everything (and I can see this because that is what my current bill states--and that is the price I would have to pay if I were not insured). ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!!? So, you have cancer, and if you're not insured but can still somehow afford the treatment, you have to pay full price while the insurance companies get this cushy discount? Why don't they just poke you in the eye with a letter opener and get on with it?

My first question: why on earth is Neulasta so ridiculously expensive? I know it's a very powerful and important drug, but if my insurance didn't cover it (and many people's insurance won't) I would have to suffer with low WBCs, postponements in chemo, and potentially life threatening infections because there is NO WAY I could afford that...as a student, I don't even make that much in a year from working. And yes, as a student of the medical sciences, I realize how much research and manpower goes into the development of these drugs. I know the drug companies have to make that money back for their investors. But, really? Seriously???

My second question...what makes the insurance companies so special that they receive a discount while Average Joe without insurance is stuck paying retail price for something he needs? What kind of screwed up healthcare system do we have that this is allowed to happen, and no one says anything about it? I don't know a lot about the way health insurance companies word, but I do know the basic premise on how insurance works: it's all about balancing risk. There are thousands of people who are considered "low risk" that, to make things really simple, are paying for the people who are "high risk." That is how insurance companies absorb huge catastrophes. But it definitely doesn't seem fair at all.

The total for ONE TREATMENT is over $10,000. Actually, it's closer to $11,000. That doesn't include oncologist visits at almost $200.00 per visit. Multiply that by twelve (because I received twelve treatments), and the onc visits by eight. Give up? $133,600.00. That's almost as much as I paid for the house I bought a few years ago. I can't imagine what someone without insurance must go through to try and make the decision to either be treated and end up with that much debt, or not be treated because they can't afford it. If I were not insured, my decision would come out of necessity: I would not be treated because frankly, I can't carry that kind of debt. It would ruin me financially for the rest of my life.

OK, I just had to rant about that for a bit.

Ted will be home on Saturday. It will be nice to have him back. Today, I went to help out with the field biology class trip (the stuff I normally do). It was fun, even though it was HOOOOTTTT! It touched 90 briefly today, but it's been in the upper 80s for the most part.

Last weekend, I went up to the Disabled Veterans Rest Camp (where Ted is doing his two weeks) for their barbecue. I was able to meet some of the people in Ted's unit, and everyone seemed very nice. I was also able to see one of my good friends Cody, whom I haven't seen in a long time. It was nice to just relax with everyone in that beautiful camp, and to catch up with my friend.

Well, I'm going to go ponder our healthcare system over a Gatorade. I hope everyone is doing well and staying cool!!

Little Update

2009-06-19T11:01:00.000-07:00

So...I had my last oncology appointment for a while on Wednesday. We discussed the "what next" and it seems I am going to get off easy! My onc doesn't do the whole CT/PET scan thing every few months...her experience has been that IF a relapse occurs, it is usually found between scans anyway. The risk of exposing me to radiation far outweighs any benefit at this point, so she will just see me every few months and I will be looking out for any symptoms. Stupid cancer, anyway.

Yesterday, I had a picnic with Ted's sister Gretchen and her daughter Elsie. We had a good time, even though it was soooo HOT! We went to Memorial Park in Shakopee. It's a very nice park with paved trails to walk along the Minnesota River. It's been muggy here and in the 80s during the day. For cancer peeps, that's miserable. For some reason we lose the ability to regulater our body temperature and we get so HOT! I usually love hot weather, but I'm quite content to stay in the A/C when it's that hot.

That's really all I have for now. I'm just sorta hanging out, studying here and there and picking away at my guitar!

I almost peed myself!

2009-06-16T14:24:00.000-07:00

Please check out this eBay listing. I laughed so hard that I almost wet my pants.

This woman thought she had found a rare four string electric guitar...which goes to prove that if you don't know much about what you are selling, you probably shouldn't be selling it.

I know most people will get this, but if you don't, this woman is selling a bass guitar and in her listing, points out everything that is distinctive about a bass guitar while oblivious to the fact that it's not a guitar.

http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&ssPageName=STRK:MEWAX:IT&item=190303438565

Rampant Ramblings

2009-06-14T21:18:00.000-07:00

"Cancer? What cancer?"

(I'm trying to psyche myself up for being "normal" again.)

"No, I shaved my head on a dare. It's just been slow growing back."

"I'm pudgy now because I spent all summer on the couch watching reruns of The Fresh Prince, eating Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie. It was great!"

(Sarcasm is my specialty. It makes me feel so smart.)

"I took a semester off from school to join the circus. I tell you, picking up elephant poo is no walk in the park!"

"Oh, you mean THAT giant scar on my chest. I got into a fight with a tiger a while back. Here's some advice: don't EVER make fun of a tiger's mom. They hate that."

"Stare all you want; I don't get any prettier."

"I learned something. You know how they say a paper cut is the worst kind of pain? WRONG!!!!"

"Oh, you don't have to go to Walgreen's. I have a pharmacy right here in my bathroom!"

"You feel this little bump on my chest? I was abducted by aliens, and they implanted a voice recorder there. Shhh, they can hear you."

Beautiful Day!

2009-06-13T10:49:00.000-07:00

Windows open...check.
Shorts...check.
Flip-flops...check.
Dog shampoo...uh, check, but I will have to get some more after today.
Lots of clean towels...check.
Sunshine...wow, big CHECK.
Turn the TV off...check.
Make iced tea...check.
Plan for a walk tonight...check.
Cool mix on iTunes...check.

An absolutely perfect day. My desktop gadget says it's 72, my outdoor thermometer says it's 74. A slight breeze is rustling the tall trees in the back yard. It's days like today that inspire me, not the dreary days of winter and the unending cold. These days inspire me to do more, get out of the house, actually get dressed instead of parading around in my jammies.

I never in a million years thought that a diagnosis of cancer would change me so much. I've never been a homebody; sitting still for too long bores me. I enjoy getting outside, being with friends, exploring, helping. Lately, though, that doesn't seem to be me. I feel like I've been hiding out--most days, I don't even get dressed. I gotta change that. I need to stop taking for granted this second chance I've been given. I have my health back, and that is something I will never again take for granted. There's nothing like being healthy and feeling good.

I'm slightly nervous about going back to school in the fall, and not for the reason you might think. I've seen most of my friends since all of this craziness happened. What I'm nervous about is running into people I haven't seen in a while and having to explain everything that has occurred. I despise telling the same story, over and over again, which is why I started blogging. I just don't want to have to re-live all of this crap all over again. I'm also nervous about returning to my previous life with this different perspective. I find myself getting irritated when people complain about things--everyday things, like a late bus, a deadline for a paper, getting a bad grade, a shrunken sweater after it was mistakenly put in the dryer. These things seem so ridiculous to complain about now. I am just going to have to remember that my perspective is different than others, that their complaints are just as valid as mine (though I will still feel that some complaints are just ridiculous).

I think I will bathe my dogs today, and take the one that doesn't have allergies (Harley) for ice cream later. Poor Cody, I will shower him with treats later. Allergy boy can't have any ice cream, only fish and venison treats. It sounds like there is terriffic weather all over, so I hope everyone takes advantage!!

Baseball games and Roid Rage

2009-06-09T13:54:00.000-07:00

I went to a Saint Paul Saints game yesterday with Ted and my good friend Michelle. It was a lot of fun--much more relaxed than a major league game, for sure. I will post a few pictures on here.

The past few days have been the usual post-steroid discomfort and moodiness. The steroids cause edema, so I feel like an overfilled water balloon, and boy am I SORE. My joints ache like they are a hundred years old. Percocets are always my best friends during this time. None of my clothes fit--I have to literally squeeze myself into my t-shirts. If you were to even touch my arm, I would cringe in pain. The best part of all this? It will soon be over! I won't have to endure this again in two more weeks! I love how that sounds: it's OVER. OVER. DONE. FINISHED. TREATMENT COMPLETED. NO MORE. While I know that the threat of the cancer returning is very real, it is also not very likely because of how early we caught mine. I'm really looking forward to getting back to a sense of "normalcy," whatever that means.

The word "normal" doesn't have the same meaning for me anymore. It's hard to define something as "normal" when your perception has changed so much. Even though I didn't want this to happen, having cancer has definitely changed me. But maybe that's a good thing. I have a perspective on life that I wouldn't otherwise have had. I think I have also gained a lot more patience than I had before all of this, as well as a new appreciation of the things life has to offer. I'd like to expand on this a bit but my moody brain won't let me. I've also had too much coffee and my heart is beating too fast for its own good! Maybe later.

Right now, the patience thing doesn't apply. I'm so moody from the steroid that every little thing is annoying the crap out of me. My computer is doing some wierd thing where the keystrokes are all delayed and my music keeps skipping and I'm about to throw the stupid thing across the room. I realize it's been on and working longer than normal (it's old and in desperate need of an upgrade), so I haven't thrown it yet.

Well, check out the pics (if I can ever get them posted!!!).

Cheers!

Visual Update

2009-06-06T12:54:00.001-07:00

To the left is Ted today at the Lymphomathon, and to the right is a pic of me that I just took after getting out of the shower. I'm a little fuzzier on top now...yay! That means my hair is starting to grow back!

Thought for the Day

2009-06-05T15:41:00.000-07:00

Two quotes--I got these off of Dove Treasures wrappers:

"Do not look back and ask why, look forward and ask, why not?"
"Failure is only the opportunity to begin again more intelligently."

This week and some other stuff...

2009-06-04T09:25:00.000-07:00

My last chemo went well. I brought cupcakes and doughnuts for the staff as a "thank you." I think they went over well, scarfed down quickly! I was a little nauseated all of the rest of Tuesday and most of Wednesday, but I feel fine now. I'm even drinking coffee! Granted, it's half-caff, but usually the taste can set of a wave of nausea.

It's funny, I've come to know a lot of folks who are also enduring the same experience as I, whether it be the same cancer or a different type, and we all have the same complaint: people just don't understand. Most people try to be compassionate and understanding, but if you haven't been through it yourself it's difficult to really get a grip on what someone is going through. A diagnosis of cancer isn't just that--it comes with a whole host of other feelings, and we typically go throught the whole plethora of them. Denial, anger, acceptance, depression; some of us even get a little wild with involving ourselves in other things to keep our brains occupied. Those things could be work, volunteering, or even video games or TV, cruising the 'net, etc. I'm not yet sure where I fit in to that...it seems I have sort of been just existing and not knowing how I personally want to deal with all these new things that have come my way. I have lost my hair and eyebrows, as well as most of my eyelashes. The hair on my body is really thin and doesn't grow quickly (which is nice because I don't have to shave as often! Yay!). I have gained a lot of weight, as most of us Hodgers usually do. Most of that comes from the fact that Hodgers tend to lose weight as a symptom of the disease, and when we start to get better the weight comes back. Plus, most of us take steroids to help with the nausea, and that's where my weight gain really takes off. I haven't worked since November, nor been to school. I've even been experiencing a "pre-menopausal" state, complete with hot flashes and lack of a period which may or may not go away. I'm having to deal with this entirely new life and entirely new me, one that I have never experienced first hand. Looking at myself in the mirror is still sometimes a shock--all that pretty brown hair is gone and my face is usually quite puffy. I have to pencil in my eyebrows and mascara has become a tough one. My clothes don't fit and I'm stuck wearing my PJ's around the house because they're the most comfortable things I own. I've been told by many people that I've been so tough through all this, that I seem so comfortable with how things have played out. The fact is, I feel exactly the opposite. I've not quite come to grips with the stigma that follows a diagnosis of cancer, and not at all comfortable with the changes my body has been going through. There are so many "what-ifs" and questionable outcomes that it makes me uncomfortable. I've always had such control over things (yeah, I'm kind of a control freak), and not having control over any of several outcomes freaks me out a little.

This is just part of my "revelation:" I feel like I have been squandering this second chance I have been given. I guess you could even call it a third chance, what with the surgery and all. I've pretty much just been sitting around the house, not really doing anything. I know, I need to rest and recuperate and all that, but most days I feel fine. Fine enough to get out and do stuff. I want to be in enough shape to go back to work; the trouble with that is I would have to have a week off after chemo as I'm usually feeling crappy and I also take narcotic pain meds, which is just asking for trouble when working with horses. I have thought about getting a different job, but I have absolutely no desire to sit behind a desk in a cubicle answering phones. I've done that before and absolutely hated it, to the point where I began to get depressed. My ideal job is working outside, or at least working in a place where I can occasionally go outside to get away from the fluorescent lights.

Anywhoo, I have to go hop in the shower. I am taking care of some things at school this afternoon so I can return in the fall (yay! this time next year I will be a college grad!). More next time...

Nicole

Been a long time...wow!

2009-06-01T10:06:00.001-07:00

Hey, everyone! I'm sorry it has been so long since my last update. There's not really a lot to update! I'm doing well, in fact, my LAST chemo is tomorrow! I'm so excited about that. Finally, I will be DONE. I can begin to put my life back together.

I know I said that I had an awakening of sorts, and that I was going to write about it. I'm still kind of piecing things together for myself, and I will write about it, it's just taking me a while. I hope to be able to get that up this week.

The weather has been beautiful here. Saturday, we took the dogs to a lake in Minneapolis and had a blast. My pooches are total water dogs (especially Cody--he tries to swim out as far as he can) and we played ball for almost an hour. I will post a picture or two of the day.

On another note, Ted and I are participating in the Lymphomathon on Saturday. We are seeking donations--all the money goes to the Lymphoma Research Foundation, which funds research and provides support to people affected by lymphoma. Will you please help us out? Please go to www.lymphomathon.org, go to the right hand side under "team rank" and click on "more," and click on team "Covey" to donate. Even just a donation as small as $10 will go a long way. You can make a general team donation, or you can donate specifically to me or Ted. We are also seeking team members to run or walk with us, so if you're interested let us know. I know it's kind of short notice, but we wanted to try anyway.

I hope everyone is doing well and enjoying summer!

Fast Track to Doggie Recovery

2009-05-08T21:27:00.000-07:00

So, Harley has been back to the vet three times this week after the initial visit on Monday--once on Wednesday for a stitch she pulled out (which thankfully didn't need to be replaced), once yesterday for another pulled stitch (which was replaced with a staple and she is now wearing an old t-shirt to keep her from scratching out any more), and again tonight as she has been vomiting and listless most of the day today. After bloodwork (to rule out pancreatitis and other organ disorders) and xrays (to rule out a possible foreign body obstruction), all is good. She is on an antiemetic medication now, along with some bland food that she will start on tomorrow. I hope this is the end of her troubles. She sure has managed to put a sizeable dent in the old pocketbook. I'm thinking about making her get a job! I love my dogs, but WOW.

Chemo went alright on Tuesday. Same old same old. Just two treatments left now! I can't wait until all of this is behind me and I can get back to regular life. I had an...awakening of sorts yesterday--I'm not going to talk about it just yet as I am still sort of trying to figure things out. As soon as I do, I will lay it all out for you.

I posted a pic of lovely Harley in her ratty old t-shirt. It's just on to keep her from scratching at her sutures and pulling any more out. She looks so silly!

Holy Crap, Free Dogs are Expensive!

2009-05-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

I have just returned from picking up my dog, Harley, from the vet. She somehow managed an attempt to shish kabob herself in the shoulder. She had a dime-sized puncture wound just behind her elbow that I noticed this morning. I have no idea when she snuck that one in on me--while playing in the back yard yesterday, or somewhere in the house this morning. Either way, she seemed to manage to put a dent in my pocketbook. She's lucky she's so cute or she might have been out of luck (totally kidding). She had to be sedated and sewn back together with three little stitches. She's a bit sleepy but none the worse for wear. I posted a picture of her nice boo-boo.

Tomorrow is chemo...after that, only two more! That's all I really have for right now, as it's late and I have chemo early in the morning. Look for more later, probably about my thinning hair.

Critters and fun trips!

2009-04-23T22:18:00.000-07:00

Well, I had chemo this past Tuesday. I have just been a little tired this week, nothing too big. I only took my Compazine (anti-nause

a meds) on Tuesday and Wednesday, and I have been quite fine without them (which is amazing and really awesome!). My hair continues to fall out by the handfuls. I'm just completely amazed that I still have any left (even if it is pretty thin). I keep putting off cutting it, but I have to do something soon because I can't pull it back anymore--it's too thin to be in a ponytail.

Tomorrow Ted and I are leaving for my parents' house until Monday. My grandfather (my mom's dad) had a small stroke a few weeks ago, and since he's feeling better I thought it would be nice to have a visit. We are boarding all of our critters--the dogs are going to Glencoe and miss Noel is going to Chaska. I know I go a long way to board my animals, but I trust these people to take good care of them. Harley has been having some lameness issues with her left front leg. We went to the vet today to get Noel's steroid injection and have Harley checked out. The consensus seems to be possibly some arthritis or tendonitis. When I have a little more money, I will have her X-rayed to see what's going on in there to get a better picture. For now, we have some pain meds for the tougher times. Otherwise, she seems to be doing well. No seizures or anything scary like that. Cody and Noel are doing quite well, also. Above is a picture of her from last summer--she hasn't changed much.

I hope everyone is enjoying the spring weather. It was up to 85 degrees today! It was nice. I am so much happier when the weather is nice. Well, I will have a good visit with my family, and I hope you all have a great weekend!

Clean Scans!!

2009-04-15T23:04:00.000-07:00

So...I had my restaging PET and CT scans on Tuesday. It was funny because I brought my organic chemistry book to read while I waited for the radioactive glucose to be taken up (you have to sit there for an hour and fifteen minutes), and I was advised against reading it because it would make my brain work too hard and take up more of the glucose and skew the test results! Haha, well, I put the book down and took a nap instead. Now for the best part: Tara called this afternoon because she didn't want me to have to wait until next Tuesday to find out the results: all clear!! Cancer is gone from my body! My unwelcome houseguest has been kicked to the curb. This means that I only have four more infusions left and I will be all done. Total good news. Ted and I went to Buffalo Wild Wings for dinner to celebrate, and I ate myself stupid.

I do, however, have some bad news. I found out last week that I was denied disability benefits. This, unfortunately, means that I will have to go back to work before my treatments are finished. There is no sense in my appealing the decision as I don't have anything new to bring to the table. I'm not exactly sure how the state feels that someone undergoing chemotherapy and taking narcotic pain medication should be able to handle horses and do barn chores, but they apparently feel that my condition does not merit the social security benefits that I have paid for over the years. I don't know yet what I am going to do, but I do know that I have to go back to work. I can't do nothing because bills have to be paid.

The good news trumps the bad, though. I'm thrilled that my scans are clean. I can't wait to be done with this forever.

Happy Easter!

2009-04-12T17:02:00.000-07:00

Just wanted to wish everyone a Happy Easter! Ted and I had dinner with his parents at their home--mmmmm, tasty! We also stopped by Dairy Queen on our way home...giggle. I couldn't help it.

I have now played ball with and walked my dogs, and they are tired. Well, Cody is tired. He's laying stretched out and panting in the middle of the living room floor. Harley is as tired as Harley gets, which those of you who know her is not very tired at all. It's more of an "I'll leave you alone for a little while so I can briefly nap, then I will be back to throw my toys in your lap and trip you as you're going down the stairs."

I attached a photo of a male cardinal that was staring at me as I was studying on Friday. I took the photo through the window near my desk, so it's a little smudgy. But you can plainly see Birdface, mocking me through the winter's dirt on my window. Enjoy!

Remeberance and Reflection

2009-04-08T00:13:00.001-07:00

Today (well, yesterday actually), April 7, is a day of rememberance and reflection for me. Twelve years ago today, my best friend passed away of lung cancer. She was sixteen years old. I have written about her on here previously, so I won't go into a lot of detail. Today has a little more meaning for me this year than in the past, obviously because of my current situation. I remember exactly what I was doing when I found out she had passed--and what I did afterwards. They were not good things. I was an angry teenager up until that point, and maybe even for a time afterwards. Cilla's passing showed me, even then, that life is too short to spend angry, or vindictive, or regretful. Yet, I seemed to forget that just a few short years later. It has taken my own battle with cancer (among a few other things) to jolt me into realizing that the people who are important to me will always be important to me. Many of you I am back in touch with after a long while, and many of you I have stayed in contact with. I consider myself very fortunate to have friends, a boyfriend, and family who all care about me and aren't afraid to tell me. Yet still, I feel there is something missing in my life. I don't feel as if I have used the time I have been given wisely. Yes, I went back to school and that is a good thing. I've surrounded myself with a lot of good people and that is also a good thing. I should be using my time to benefit others and give back to not only the community in which I live, but the cancer community as well, and I don't feel as if I have done that. I've pretty much been sitting around the house, doing nothing but feeling bad that I can't attend school.

I see things at the cancer clinic that get to me. I see people there, getting treatment alone with no one there to support them. I see a few people with no hope in their eyes. I see people who don't know where to turn, people who don't understand what they are facing, people who are scared and confused. What really gets to me is the kids. The little ones who never did anything to deserve the burden of cancer. I would have cancer ten times over again if it meant that one child wouldn't have to go through this. I mean that. I really, really do.

It is those things that always make me think of Priscilla. She always had a smile on her face, no matter how bad things were for her. She helped a lot of people during the short time she was here. Even today, I draw strength from her. She inspires me often. I keep a picture of her on my desk (always have). She has on a HUGE smile, the same smile she gave everyone.

I believe that, when faced with adversity, people can do one of two things. They can either clam up and feel bad for themselves, soliciting pity from those around them, or they can draw strength from somewhere inside them to overcome the battle, and lend that strength to others when they are faced with adversity. That, really, is the basis of the human condition. For me, giving up was never really an option. I don't necessarily feel as though I've given up (not by a long shot), but I feel as if I'm sort of in this place between knowing what "I" am all about and being in limbo about it. I'm even considering a different educational path. I'm not having an identity crisis (that ended long ago, somewhere in my earlier 20's), but more of a "path" crisis. Which way do I go? I thought I was sure, but I now have a doubt. When cancer is all done, what do I do after that? I have this crazy experience for others to draw upon, I don't want to waste that. I think that dealing with this would be much more difficult if I did not have the new friends that I have--people from whom I can draw strength.

So, I will stop waxing super thoughtful now. It's late and I have some tea to drink, thoughts to ponder, and dogs to get to bed.

Priscilla Lorraine Eberle, I miss you terribly. It does not get easier with time, as I thought it would. It just gets dealt with in a more productive manner. Not a day goes by that you don't cross my mind. Your strength is now what I draw from, and I hope you know that you inspire me every day.

New Jewelry

2009-03-29T15:51:00.000-07:00

I posted a few new pics of some newer pieces that I have made (scroll all the way to the bottom, please!). I really do enjoy making jewelry, but I'm running out of places to keep it all! So, if you know of a birthday coming up or some other occasion to give someone a gift, how about some handmade jewelry? I'm pretty flexible in what types of things I'm able to make at this point.

In case you haven't noticed, I have stopped posting pics of my hair loss. It just got to be so pointless! I have so much hair that it just continues to fall out, though I am looking quite thin up top. My eyebrows are thinning a little, as well as my eyelashes. The good part about the hair loss is that I don't have to shave or wax nearly as often! I know, I know, TMI. But, I'm trying to look on the bright side of things.

It sounds like Ted may or may not be going to Moorhead...it's all very vague. His unit has basically said, "Be ready to go when and if we tell you." I don't know that he will be going at all, because it sounds like the river has receded a little (it was at 39.99 feet this afternoon, below where they said it was going to crest.). I hope that the people of that area don't have to go through what they are expecting, and that the river stays where it is. They need a little relief there.

Other than that, not much going on here! Hope everyone is well!

Update

2009-03-26T22:23:00.001-07:00

Well, sleep I did. I slept from around one in the afternoon on Tuesday till around nine thirty that same night. I didn't even get to bed that night--I fell asleep sometime after midnight on the recliner and didn't really wake up until about noon or so, just in time to get back to the cancer center for my Neulasta at one. I managed to stay awake for the rest of the day, went to bed around eleven thirty, and didn't wake up until almost eleven today. Keelie, the nurse who normally does my Neulasta, said that is pretty normal as chemo does tend to have a cumulative effect. This means that I might be finding myself more and more tired as the infusions go on. My hemoglobin and my RBC's were a little low, which might account for both the fatigue as well as the ever so slight shortness of breath I have been experiencing. My white cells were high, as usual.

My next scans are scheduled for the 14th of April.

My wrists are doing a lot better. The swelling has all but disappeared. Mostly what is left is something that looks like a nasty bruise. I still have a bit of a goose egg on the right wrist, but it has definitely decreased in size. I have been putting heat on it to aid in its dissolution--hopefully it will be gone soon. It doesn't even really hurt that much anymore, which is the best part. I broke my hand last year, and I can tell you, I would rather take that pain than ever again put up with those clots.

I will be starting soon on my make-up work for my incompletes in school (probably beginning tomorrow). I hope to have all my physics and organic chemistry review done in a few weeks, and the rest is just doing about two weeks' worth of work in order to complete the required coursework and get my grade. I'm excited to be done with all that, but worried that I won't be able to attend summer classes. We shall see--if the scans come back clean, I will only have two more infusions after that. If they don't come back clean, I will have four more infusions afterwards. Let's keep our fingers crossed that chemo (and I) are kicking cancer's ass and it will soon be no more!

This is something that I want to make sure everyone is aware of. The Red River that flows between North Dakota and Minnesota is going to flood the Fargo/Moorhead area. Eighteen feet is the 'official' flood stage according to NDSU's geology website. The river is expected to crest sometime late Friday to early Saturday between 41 and 43 feet. Volunteers have gathered to fill sandbags and build dikes and temporary dams in order to keep local homes and businesses safe from the flood. It looks as though many homes have been flooded already, and parts of North Dakota (inclucing the Fargo area) have been ordered to evactuate. Ted has been activated (along with his National Guard unit) to help with the efforts, and will be leaving next Tuesday if not sooner. Please keep the people of these areas in your thoughts as you go about your daily business. Many of them stand to lose everything in this flood. I really hope that doesn't happen, but if it does, the National Guard stands ready to help at a moment's notice.

I hope everyone is doing well, and thanks soooo much for stopping by!!

Long Time

2009-03-22T15:19:00.001-07:00

Wow, yet again, it's been a while. No news is good news, right? My treatments have been fairly uneventful, which is a good thing. I have heard and read of nasty things happening to people undergoing the same chemotherapy as I am, and I have to admit, I feel very lucky to be feeling as well as I do. Last week, however, I did have a small issue. Even though I have the port now and haven't had an IV infusion in over a month, last Monday my right arm began to hurt around my wrist area. My last IV infusion was the 24th of February, in the right hand. By Tuesday, my hand was swollen and the area over my wrist began to swell and get very red, and my left arm also began to hurt. By Wednesday, both areas were very red and warm to the touch, and so painful I couldn't even wear long sleeves. My onc's PA Tara advised me to use heat for twenty minutes out of every hour to see if that would relieve the pain and swelling, and it did not. I went to see her on Thursday, and she ordered another ultrasound of those areas. I have large clots in the veins over my wrists, which accounts for the pain and swelling. The right wrist is a lot worse, and Tara is worried about an abcess. I was prescribed antibiotics for ten days, and when the pain subsides enough for me to be able to put something on it I'm supposed to be using heat on it again. Tara will look at them again when I have my infusion on Tuesday. My right wrist looks like I have a goose egg stuck to it. My left one looks better than that, but it's still puffy. The good news is that the swelling has gone down in my right hand--for a while it looked a little like the Stay-Puft marshmallow hand.

My cousin, Dawn, and her husband Aaron were in town this weekend and we went to breakfast with them and some of their friends. It was nice to see everyone, especially Aaron since he just came back from Iraq. Hopefully we will be able to see them again soon.

Ted borrowed his parents' steam cleaner so we could get the carpets cleaned. I told him that if we weren't going to pay someone to do it, then he would have to do the cleaning because I absolutely HATE cleaning carpets. He got one of our living rooms done this morning, and he wants to do the other one and the stairs tomorrow.

Well, that's all I have for now. As I mentioned before, my next infusion is Tuesday. I will update then if I'm not sleeping, Wednesday if I am.

Thanks again! Talk to you all soon!

New Pictures

2009-03-14T11:23:00.001-07:00

Scroll all the way down to the bottom of this page. I posted two new slideshows--the first is of my last chemo treatment (first time using the port!), and the second is of several pieces of jewelry from my personal collection. If you're interested, I can make you a similar piece, or one in different colors, or a different design. If you wish to have a closer look at the ones I have posted here, let me know, and I will send some more detailed photos. I would love to just give away jewelry, but the supplies cost money so I, unfortunately, don't have that luxury. My pieces are certainly one-of-a-kind, and making them keeps me busy!

Chemo is much easier now!

2009-03-11T14:55:00.001-07:00

So...yesterday went pretty well! Just one single poke with a special needle apparatus to the area where my port is, and blood was drawn, fluids were started, and then my chemo went in in the same order is normally does (A, V, B, D). I slept during most of it, and when it was all done the port was flushed and heparin locked (which is where they use 5mg of heparin in saline to 'lock' the catheter portion of the port to prevent blood clotting inside of it. Heparin is a very powerful anticoagulant drug.). I came home around noon and pretty much slept until about 7:30. I'm feeling pretty good today (just a little bit tired), and have even completed two necklaces, two sets of matching earrings, and a bracelet. I'm about to start one more necklace, and I will see if I have any inspiration to make anything to match it. I will get pictures up from yesterday's chemo as well as some new and old pieces of jewelry on my other blog (http://nicolescancer.blogspot.com).

Thanks for stopping by, and for all the guestbook entries/stops to my other blog/stops to Myspace and Facebook! I really do appreciate the support I have recieved from everyone. It's really nice to know how many of you all are behind me in all this.

Been a While!

2009-03-08T11:06:00.000-07:00

Wow, over a week and no update. What have I been up to, you ask? Pretty much nothing. I'm so completely bored out of my mind. I'm beginning to regret my decision to not attend school this semester, as I'm feeling fine most days and I think I probably could have done it. But, I had no way of knowing that. I still have no way of knowing if I'm going to continue feeling fine. My port has healed up for the most part; I just have some residual bruising and the incision scars now.

I'm beginning to get back into jewelry making. I started this hobby when I was in high school, but stopped when I just got so busy working that I didn't have time time. I tried to start it up again a few years ago but again, I became too busy between work and school. Now I have lots of time! I've made a few practice pieces over the last few weeks. Between me and my mom, we have managed to stock me up with enough materials to get started in earnest. So, if you're looking for something nice to wear, let me know and I'll see what I can do. I may even start an E-bay store if I have enough product to do so.

Ted had his drill this weekend. He had to do a rifle qualification yesterday--he hasn't used a weapon in almost six years. He only missed 'expert' by four shots! I'm very proud of him. The National Guard is a little more, what's the word I'm looking for, relaxed than the Marines. In spite of that, he maintains a high level of discipline and holds himself to high standards. Because of this, he stands out amongst his fellow soldiers. Some of these guys sound like real tools! One guy won't show up for several drills, then has the nerve to ask why he hasn't gained any rank! Some people just amaze me.

Well, that's about all I have for now. My next treatment is on Tuesday, and it will be the first time using my port. It's going to be quicker, hopefully, as well as better because it won't be hurting my arms like before.

Thanks for stopping by! I hope everyone is doing well, and looking forward to spring as much as I am!

Port Placement Aftermath

2009-02-27T08:10:00.000-08:00

Alright, everyone. The port placement went well, though I was awake for the procedure because the drugs they normally use don't knock me out anymore. But, I was numbed up and had pain meds on board, so I just kept asking the doc what he was doing and he would tell me as he progressed. I had to wait around for an hour or so to make sure I was okay, then I went home. I fell asleep during American Idol, and didn't wake up until almost 6:30 the next morning! My mom said I didn't even really move at all. Would have been nice if I could have slept during the procedure! Oh, well. Today, I am still a little sore and bruised, but it's not so bad. It will make my chemo treatments, blood draws, and CT scans much easier to do now. To the left, you can see a pic of the same kind of port that was put into my chest. You can read more about it at http://www.bardaccess.com/port-powerport.php.

My poor veins are still sore from Tuesday, and the taste has pretty much disappeared out of my mouth. Everything tastes pretty gross, no matter what I'm eating. I'm still kinda nauseated, too, and nothing smells good at all. Every smell that crosses my path makes me a bit queasy. I'm sure that will disappear in a day or two, it usually does.

It sounds like I will be getting a CT/PET scan in four weeks. We will see then if the 'hotspots' that were seen on the last one were what we thought they were (healing tissue from my surgery) or if there is any cancer left anywhere. My last scans were pretty clean except for what we hoped was just that healing tissue. I'm optimistic, because not only did we catch it early, but the surgeon was pretty confident that he got all of the tumor that was on my heart.

Well, that's about it for now. I try to keep updates coming, but it seems that things around here are so uneventful these days! Maybe that's a good thing.

Thanks for stopping by, everyone! Your guestbook entries really do make my day!

Port Placement

2009-02-25T07:43:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was the beginning of my third round of chemo (my fifth treatment). As I don't have my port in yet, the treatments had to go IV. Yes, it hurt, and yes, a lot of people will probably think I should have waited, but I did not want to postpone my chemo this week as we would have had to move all my other dates as well. I don't want to lengthen my time of treatment any more than is necessary. When I came home around noon, I did nothing but sleep until around nine. I was a little nauseated, but sleeping through it helped.

My port placement surgery is today at 1:30. I have to wash with Hibiclens this morning (an antibacterial wash), and I can't eat anything after nine. I can drink clear liquids till about one. So many rules! After my port placement is done, it will be much easier to take blood and administer my chemo. I won't have to be poked as much, and the large vein that the port is being placed in is better able to handle the chemo than my tiny arm veins. I will be receiving what's called a Power Port, which is equipped to handle fast infusions. This means that my treatments will probably be shorter, yay!

It might be a day or two before I get on here and update everyone, so don't be alarmed.

Thanks for stopping by!

Achy-breaky veins...

2009-02-20T18:54:00.000-08:00

So, apparently the time has come for yet another reminder of the fact that I'm sick. Apparently, my veins do not like chemo. Both of my arms are quite painful and inflamed, so I had to go in for an ultrasound this afternoon to make sure there weren't any blood clots. No clots, but there is a bit of inflammation that my onc's PA Tara thinks could possibly be cellulitis (an infection that can rapidly spread to the blood, causing sepsis) or phlebitis (when a clot causes swelling), or possibly even a chemical burn (which is more than likely). One way to check for infection is to look at white cell count, but because I get the Neulasta, my white cells could be artificially high. She is also doing a blood bacterial culture, the results of which we won't have until Monday. Either way, she strongly suggested that I have a port placed (pictured above), because clearly my veins are unhappy. I really don't want one, but I do realize that most chemo patients do end up getting one to avoid what I'm going through right now. They are going to try to squeeze me in before my next chemo on Tuesday. It's a day surgery, and they can use the port to administer chemo right afterwards. The bad part for me is that it means another scar (probably minuscule) right where I don't want one. Plus, the port has to stay in for a while after I'm done with chemo, just in case the chemo doesn't do the trick and the cancer comes back. I guess I should explain, for those of you who don't know, a port is basically a 'permanent IV line' that is placed into your subclavian vein (a vein underneath your collarbone). This vein is much larger, and is able to handle the chemo better than the smaller veins in your arms. The opening to the port lies underneath your skin on your chest, and access is quite simple: the area is swabbed with disinfectant and sprayed with a numbing spray, then a needle apparatus is inserted into the port. Blood can be drawn out of it, and chemo drugs can be pushed into it. It actually make the whole process of chemotherapy quite easy, as you don't have to be stuck with tons of needles every time you go in. I'm just not thrilled about another surgery (this will be my fifth surgery since I was 15 and my third within a year). Well, whatever, anything to get rid of my unwelcome houseguest. Port away!

Anyhoo, I think I'm going to get going. Ted will be coming home tomorrow (he has a long drive ahead of him). He is now a plumber for the Army! He passed all his tests and now he has yet another skill he can use. We will be going to see a good friend of mine tomorrow evening and participating in a meat raffle, and then on to my friend Lennie's 30th birthday party! It should be a good time. I will try to take some pictures.

Thanks to everyone for stopping by, and for the guestbook entries. They really do mean a lot to me!

Sore and Stressed

2009-02-17T09:24:00.000-08:00

Well, I think the time has come. Time has come to actually say goodbye to my lovely hair and move on. I noticed yesterday that my hair is falling out faster and with more gusto than it was on Sunday. It's also looking a lot thinner on my head. I used to be able to brush out most of what was going to fall out for the day. Now, every time I touch or even scratch my head, a pretty big handful falls out. My wastebaskets are chock full of my pretty dark hairs. My pillow is covered, and I frequently have been waking up with hair in my mouth or even up my nose! While I have accepted my hair loss as a normal part of my treatment, it's still somewhat of a shock to see it falling out as fast as it is now. I've heard that it only takes about a week to lose all your hair once it starts in earnest--we shall see. My hair has been incredibly resilient, trying really hard to stick around.

I went to the gym yesterday, the first time in about a month. I did some very light cardio, then did some upper body strength training (biceps, shoulders, triceps, chest). I am sooo sore today! It's amazing what happens when you don't 'use it--' you really do lose it! I plan on going six days a week--at the very least, even if I feel lousy, I can get on a bike or treadmill and at least get moving.

I am also incredibly crabby today. I was crabby yesterday, also. I'm not sure if I can attribute it to anything--we are dealing with some issues with our former roommate that are driving me crazy, and I think that may be what's making me so crabby. He moved out before our lease was up, and he now has his own place. He moved all his stuff out. He's been gone for over two weeks. Yet, he still feels that because he is still obligated to fulfill the terms of the lease (he is still paying his rent obligation until the lease is up next month), that entitles him to continue to come and go as he pleases as if he still lived here. This constitutes a huge problem with privacy. I have asked him twice to make arrangements to come over to make sure I am well enough for visitors. I really don't think that I am asking too much, but apparently he does. I don't have a problem at all with him stopping by, I just wish that he would give us the courtesy of respecting our privacy and make arrangements beforehand. HE doesn't live here anymore; WE do.

Well, anyhoo, I suppose I had better decide if I'm going to the gym or not today. I'm pretty sure I will; it does life my spirits a little bit as well as get me out of the house. That may be a little bit of my crabbiness, too--I don't get out much anymore, and for those of you who know me you know that drives me nuts! I wish the weather were warm, so I could sit outside and walk places. Soon, I hope!

Thanks everyone!

Daytona!!

2009-02-15T11:55:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, all!

Can you believe this? I actually just woke up about a half an hour ago. I literally never sleep like that--but maybe I just needed it. I feel like I just wasted half my day! On a good note, I woke up in time for the Daytona. Yes, I watch racing. I'm not a huge rube about it or anything, but I do enjoy watching when I can. It's crazy that the biggest event of the racing season is held at the beginning (rather than the end, like the Super Bowl).

I don't really have anything to update. I'm having a little jaw and hip pains, but nothing that isn't being taken care of by the Percocet. My hair is still falling out at a steady pace--I sure wish it would make up its mind! I'm hopeful that it will just be thin, and not completely fall out. I think if it hasn't all dropped off my skull by now, that's what's going to occur. Sure would be nice to at least look a little normal!

Right now, I'm looking for a new dog food for my allergy suffering chocolate Lab, Cody. I'm thinking about going with venison or duck, but I have to be very careful about what I feed him because he can't have anything he's been exposed to already. I've had him on a limited ingredient diet for over a year now, and while it's helped a little, I haven't seen any significant improvement that would make me stick with what I've been feeding him. Plus, he's all of a sudden become very stinky. He just had a bath a week and a half ago, so I think he may have something metabolic going on that a diet change may help with. So, I figure I can put my expensive education in animal nutrition to good use and find something good for my sweet boy.

Ted is doing well in ND--seems that he is ahead in his class as he is always done early. It sounds like the whole class is going to be done a day or two earlier than expected. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean that they will be going home early :(. But, Saturday will be here soon enough I'm sure, and I will have my wonderful man back here with me. He sent me things for Valentine's day--a stuffed pup that says 'I love you' when you squeeze his paw, some chocolate roses, and a bouquet with a single red rose, some pink carnations, lilies, and daisies. It was absolutely lovely and so very thoughtful. We don't normally do much for Valentine's day, so this was quite a nice surprise.

Well, I'm off to go research dog food. I hope everyone had a fantastic weekend, and thanks for stopping by!!

Yayyyy!!!

2009-02-12T18:15:00.000-08:00

Just a quick little update--some really good news!

I was approved for the Community Care program through Fairview Hospital. What this program is and what it does: This program is set up through the hospital to assist people with limited resources in paying for hospital bills. I recieved this program during my hospital visit almost three years ago, and it covered everything. This time, they are also covering 100% of my patient liability to the hospital--that's over $35,000! There will be thank you cards sent out for sure. This is a huge burden off of my shoulders. These programs are set up to help people in financial need--and that they do!

Now, I am just waiting on my disability. I sent in all the paperwork that they asked for, and someone called me yesterday to do a Supplemental Security Income application over the phone. I wasn't sure about my life insurance policy information, and I mistakenly gave her the wrong info and it's been a hassle trying to get a hold of them again. I left two messages today, and I plan on calling them again tomorrow. That information could mean the difference between my recieving that money or not. The SSI is different than Disability--it's basically set up for people with limited resources who are also on disability. We shall see if I actually have to go down there and whoop and holler or not. I know they're busy and all, but it would be nice if I didn't have to wait to update info on an application that they may have already sent in, which would make it that much harder for us to change the information on it.

I just wanted to share the good news with everyone! I don't have anything to update as far as side effects, etc. go. I recieved my shot of Neulasta yesterday; it was only half the dose I recieved the first time, so hopefully it won't cause so many side effects as the first one. I will let you all know!

Thanks, all, for your visits and guestbook entries! They really do perk me up when I'm feeling down!

Today's Chemo

2009-02-10T18:56:00.001-08:00

So, my blood counts were great! I have to make a correction to my blood counts for last time. I didn't recieve the print out that I normally take home with me so I wasn't 100% sure on the number. My WBC count last time was 36--SUPER high. The highest they should normall be is 11. This time it was 5.1 which is within normal range--yay! My platelets were high, though, which might mean inflammation or might just mean that Neulasta is doing its job.

Chemo went fairly well. I was given a Compazine before we started, along with the Aloxi. I left there only slightly nauseated, and I'm only slightly nauseated now. I actually fell asleep during the DTIC infusion! We were only there for two and a half hours this time.

I'm going to be trying a new restaurant with my good friend Lennie. I work with her at the barn (when I'm well, anyway). It's called Brasa, and you can check it out at http://www.brasa.us/, and I will let you all know if it's any good!

I think I'm going to end this post, Nip/Tuck is going to be on shortly! I know that show is getting a little hokey, but I love it anyway!

Night, all!

Pictures, and New Friends

2009-02-08T20:00:00.000-08:00

So I finally figured out how to get pictures onto my blog! You can see them at http://nicolescancer.blogspot.com, scroll all the way to the bottom of the page, and there they will be in slideshow format! That's pretty exciting! As I get more of the scans and radiographs from my nice hospital visit in November pulled off of the disks they sent me, I will post those as well. I'm having a hard time trying to figure out how in the world I'm supposed to get those transferred.

It's T-minus two days to my next chemo. This will be treatment two of the second round, which means only four left (that's eight more treatments) after Tuesday. Tomorrow I will go in for my bloodwork and to see the doctor. Hopefully my WBC count will be high enough that we won't have to postpone my chemo. I really just want to get in there and get it done with. I have to really psyche myself up to go in for the Comet/Drano/Red Kool-aid Death/sinister other drug infusion otherwise I'll walk in the clinic and promptly walk back out. I'm not thrilled about having these drugs pushed into me even though I know they have a job to do. So it's really a disappointment of sorts when I can't get chemo, because that means another day of psyching myself up. That takes an awful lot of mental effort; I wish I could explain it. It's really quite draining all in itself--I would rather write a ten or twelve page research paper.

One drawback (amonst the many) to having had my chest cracked open and sewed back together is when the weather changes, my chest hurts. It started to warm up yesterday, and sometime during the night before last my chest began to ache really bad, along with my hand. For those of you who don't already know, I broke my hand about this same time last year and had to have surgery to re-break it and have an external fixator (pins that were outside my bone going into it) placed because it didn't heal correctly the first time. My hand aches a little when the weather goes through a drastic temperature change, and evidently my chest does now, too. I find that strange because where my chest was opened, there is cartilage (not bone). Oh well. Just another thing to deal with.

Before I go, I would like everyone to send good thoughts to my new friend, Paul Lawonn. He stopped by my site the other day. He is a friend of my dad's who has been living with Mantle Cell Lymphoma, a particularly aggressive and not very treatable type of lymphoma, for a few years now. Up until recently, there were not a lot treatment options for Paul or others with MCL. However, the FDA has recently approved a drug that is normally used to treat multiple myeloma (another blood cancer) for the treatment of MCL. It is called Velcade, and it shows a lot of promise. Its mechanism of action is amazing--what it basically does is it interferes with enzymes that build the resistant proteins that this cancer uses; that leaves no building blocks for the cancer to use. Many of the people who have not been able to acheive even short term remission with other treatments have acheived longer term remission with Velcade. He will begin his treatment tomorrow, and I hope that it is successful in beating Paul's unwelcome houseguest. Please send good positive thoughts his way, and as he is a person of faith, he could use some prayers, too, if you wish. Paul now has a new weapon in his arsenal to battle his demon! Yay for modern medicine, and yay for Paul!

I also have another new friend. Her name is Stephanie Z. and she is also battling Hodgkins. She just finished up her chemo and is going to start radiation five days a week. Send good thoughts/prayers/etc. her way as well that her radiation will go smoothly and her demon will be eradicated and never come back!

Good night, all, and thank you so much for stopping by!

Brr...it's freezing here...my brains are frozen...

2009-02-05T10:52:00.000-08:00

I am really getting bad about updating things on here, aren't I? It's
just that I don't really have anything new to report. I feel fine, so
nothing new there. Oh, now that I think about it, I never chatted about
the meeting I had with some representatives from CaringBridge. They
called me a while back to see if I wanted to meet with them to give
them feedback on their site, which I was totally willing to do. We met
at Cupcake down the road, and I was able to provide them with answers
to a lot of questions they had. I think that they were looking to see
what kind of people used their site and things that they could do to
improve their site (or things that should stay as they are). I really
hope that I was helpful in some way--I like to provide feedback. I
personally appreciate constructive criticism, but I also like being
told what's been going right. One thing I did mention to them was that
I wished I could post more pictures on this site (as it is now, I can
only post 12).

Ted left today for North Dakota for his two
week training deal. He's going to learn to be a plumber for the
National Guard. Now all he has to do is learn to be an electrician and
he will be able to build us our own house! So, it's just my mom and I
alone here to cause as much trouble as possible. He tried to square
away as much stuff as possible before he left, like asking our landlord
if he would take care of snow removal while he was gone, and asking his
sister if she would accompany me on my trip to help survey a heron
colony. That is something I did when I took a field biology course at
Normandale, and I continue to help out with the trips that they take. I
haven't always been able to make them due to school, but hopefully I
can make them all this spring. It's a lot of fun for me, and helps out
Joe (the instructor for the course). This Saturday will be the first
one of the semester. If I remember correctly, there are either five or
six trips.

Well, I am going to see about doing something with
pictures on the 'net and try to finish my disability paperwork. For
those of you whom I still need to call, don't worry. I'm putting it off
until I finish my paperwork so that I get it done quickly. Necessary
stuff first, then I can play later.

Until next time,
Nicole

The "No Update" Update

2009-02-01T11:18:00.000-08:00

Not a lot to update today. My jaw pain has surfaced, as of two days ago. I hate that part--even with the percocet, it still doesn't go away entirely. I suppose I have to take what I can get, right? A small comfort here and there, I guess. I really can't complain a whole lot--I'm on my third treatment, and I feel relatively well. I thought I might feel, you know, worse, but things are fairly normal. Thank goodness for that!

My hair is still falling out, however. I didn't take a shower yesterday, hoping to hang on to some more of it just a little bit longer. I have to just realize that it's going to fall out, no matter what I do. I'm just amazed at how much is still actually left--boy, do I have a lot of hair! I will post pics up on my other website of the progression when I get enough of them. I know it's sorta gross, but during my shower I smash the hair that I pull out as I'm washing onto the shower wall, and take a picture when I'm done showering. That way, you can kind of see how much I'm losing when I wash. It doesn't really do any justice, though, because a lot of what I lose is during the day as I run my fingers through it or it just gets caught in my clothes or on furniture. Good thing I bought those hats a few weeks ago!

Well, that's it for now, I guess. I feel like I'm sorta gipping everyone when I don't have anything interesting to talk about! Feel free to email me if you have a burning question to ask--trust me, nothing is too personal these days!

Nicole

Sleepy Time Issues and Addictions

2009-01-28T22:05:00.000-08:00

Okay, so here is the wierd thing about me falling asleep: right in that stage, just where I'm beginning to nod off and I'm not really asleep, but not really awake, I start to see, hear, and feel strange things. Things like bright flashes of light (lightning, or a camera flash maybe), thunder, toast popping out of a toaster, books slamming shut, a person shouting, a brush of something across my face, or even the other night, I felt like I got slapped across the top of my head with a bungee cord. These things all wake me up and give me an awful lot of trouble falling asleep. I brought it all up to my doc, and she was very puzzled and said that she hadn't had anyone tell her these things before. She told me to take a benadryl and see if that helped, and it did. Made me nice & sleepy, and I stayed that way until I had to wake up for med-time. Hopefully it works again tonight and I can get a decent night's sleep.

Let me tell you, and I know this is sorta gross, but constipation is a chemo patient's worst nightmare. When you can't go for 4 or 5 days in a row, it makes for a very uncomfortable existence. But, the opposite is also true. The docs give you (more) drugs for the constipation, and sometimes it gives you diarrhea. The cramping and running to the nearest bathroom every five minutes is awkward, and did I mention the CRAMPING!!! It's awful. Makes you feel very un-ladylike.

And just as a side note--I really don't want this to sound rude, or cold, or jerkish. I'm really not trying to be mean. But, I have a few people who are requesting personal phone calls and/or emails with updates on how I'm doing, and requesting these a little more frequently that I am able to provide. Let me tell you, I am flattered that you are so concerned. I really am, you have no idea. But, I designed this blog so that I wouldn't have to go through and give everyone updates individually. I am pretty busy between doctor visits, being sick, and just plain trying to keep my mind off the fact that I am ill. Having to tell the same sickness story more than once every few days gets me a little down, and I'm really trying to avoid that mess. I am (slowly) getting to the phone calls; in fact, I have a huge list of people I need to call. If you are on that list (and I guarantee that if you are reading one of my blogs and you know me personally, you are on that list), you can bet that you will be receiving a phone call from me. So please understand that I am doing the best that I can to keep everyone in the loop--that is what these sites are for. I put every little thing I can possibly think of to put on here.

So, off the soapbox. I went to visit with one of my favorite instructors today and that really cheered me up. Ted and I chatted with him for about an hour and a half. He was my animal nutrition instructor--I took Companion Animal Care & Nutrition and Animal Nutrition with him the last few years, and was registered to take Ruminant Nutrition with him this semester, but we know how that ended up. I posted a picture of him & I at the top of this post.

Well, I think I am going to wrap this up. For those of you who would like to see some more pics I have my Myspace site www.myspace.com/animaldocof2012 and I will also try to figure out how to post them here.

I feel pretty good today (except for the tummy rumblings and a little nausea). My poor mom caught a bug somewhere and has been stuffy nosed and coughing a lot. I picked her up some cold meds today while we were out running errands, so send her good warm thoughts of getting well.

Kelly, I agree that Nip/Tuck is getting a little hokey, but I have to admit I still am addicted. Damages is drawing me in like a 730 calorie molten chocolate cake--I can't look away for even a minute! Last season was fantastic and it's what got me addicted in the first place; it IS like crack.

Love to all,
Nicole

The Lefty Rebellion

2009-01-27T21:44:00.000-08:00

Chemo round #2, treatment #1 is down. My WBC count was great (for a
chemo patient)--3.6 I believe. Although that is low for normal people,
for me that means that the Neulasta worked.

We added the
Bleomycin today. My doc did some research and found some information
that showed bleo may not have any effect on lung function that is
already low. She figured we could try it, and monitor me closely. If
there is even a little change, we will stop the bleo immediately. Today
was a little more difficult that the last time. The dacarbazine is very
hard on my veins, and it seems that my left arm in particular is just
not a fan of chemo. It burned like it did on the first treatment; we
did my right arm the last time and it was and still is fine. The Lefty
Rebellion! I began to get very nauseated about halfway through the
dacarbazine drip (the drugs are put in A-V-B-D), and by the time I got
home I was sick to my stomach and finally decided to give up my lunch.
The good news is that I have lots of pain meds from the doc, so I
shouldn't have to ask for any for a while.

I have had a few
new developments (symptoms) since the last treatment--difficulty
sleeping, a yeast infection (sorry I know that's gross), and a few
mouth sores. I'll go more into the difficulty sleeping thing later--you
guys will laugh. It's pretty darn funny. Right now, I'm going to try to
avoid that and go to bed. More later!!

By the way, Ted is my
hero. He went out to run some errands, and he was almost home when I
called him begging for brewed iced tea. It can't be the fountain stuff,
because I can't stand that kind and I was so sick that that was the
only thing that I wanted. He went all the way to Boston Market in
Roseville to get me some, because that's the only place that I was sure
they had brewed iced tea. My mom is my hero, too, because she made me
some in the coffee pot by brewing it the same way you would do
coffee--instead of coffee grounds and the filter, she used five tea
bags. It was so yummy. I don't know what I would do without those two
here with me. I would probably get things done anyway, but it would be
much harder, for sure. Okay, enough. To bed with me! Begone!

Nicole

Pregnant? Never!

2009-01-26T19:37:00.000-08:00

Good days, so far. The oxycodone has been doing the trick in keeping my pain away, which is a huge relief. I had my Mirena placed today--ladies, if you are thinking about doing this, please hear me out. It is painful. Maybe not for everyone, but it was for me. Since I haven't had a kid, it was a little more painful than it would have been if I had had a kid. Your uterus realizes shortly afterwards that there is something in there that doesn't belong and tries to make it leave (read: CRAMPS!!!). I'm not as crampy as I was right after it was done, but I'm still pretty uncomfortable. Fortunately, these side effects are temporary and will be well worth it when I don't have to give a second thought to birth control anymore!

Tomorrow is chemo round #2, treatment #1. We will see what kind of weird blood values I have tomorrow. I am going to cut this short so I can take care of my pooches and hit the sack early tonight. I've been pretty tired the last couple of days. If I sit in one place for more than a few minutes, I tend to nod off. Hopefully I can sleep enough tonight so that doesn't happen tomorrow.

I will update everyone tomorrow! Have a good night, all!!

Pain is Weakness Leaving the Body

2009-01-24T10:45:00.000-08:00

Sorry, it's been a few days. Kinda rough ones.

I woke up Friday morning at around midnight in some of the worst pain I've been in since my surgery. I'll explain why.

You see, Neulasta is a wonder drug of sorts. It's only purpose is to basically force your body to over-produce baby white blood cells. It is a huge protein that is normally present in your body anyway, but providing more in the form of this shot helps give a chemo patient that extra boost they need to rebuild their immune system. To put this in perspective, imagine a factory (producing whatever you like). This factory has a set amount of manpower and machinery, space and power. Now imagine that you put every worker and every machine on steriods and speed. You still have the same number of resources, but they are working at max capacity. That's bound to cause some undue wear on both person and machine. And, you're eventually going to run out of space to put your product, and you'll be stacking things and squeezing things, etc. That's sort of what's happening in my bones--and it causes an immense amount of pain. My body is over-producing cells and it can cause bone pain as one of the side effects.

I woke up at around midnight on Friday in the fetal position, crying and shaking from the pain. I was given oxycodone for my jaw pain, and I was told that I could also use it if I experienced the bone pain. I have been taking one oxy every 4-6 hours for the jaw and things were very well under control. I had a little pain before bed, but nothing like what I woke up with. I tried to pull the old Nicole trick and just 'sleep it off' but I stayed awake for the next two and a half hours. I took two oxys at a quarter to three, and I had a very brief respite from the pain. I woke up again at around six, crying and shaking. I finally woke Ted up and told him to call the on-call to see what we could do. He said I could take 600 mg of ibuprofen and two oxys and hopefully that would help enough to get me through until I could talk to Dr. Datta's nurse in the morning, which I did. They gave me more oxy and Dr. Datta is halving my dose of Neulasta in the hopes that this won't happen again. I'm feeling a lot better now and am cutting down on the pain meds, which is good. The LAST thing I want out of this is an addiction to oxy!

My mom is going to be back here today. She is driving out here with my grandfather (my dad's dad). It will be nice to have her back. I do have to get some cleaning done before she gets here, though, so I will try to not make this too long.

I have heard lots of people talk about chemo brain. It seems that this is a common phenomenon. Chemo brain is where you completely forget words, names, to-do lists, why you walked into a room, what it was that you were doing five minutes ago, CONSTANTLY. I'm sure it's a combination of that and all these stupid painkillers I'm on, but I constantly feel like I'm in a fog. I'm usually pretty well-spoken, but I find that I'm really searching for the things I want to say and stammering out something that sounds so Neandertal. I like to use big words when appropriate, but those aren't coming so easily to me these days. I also find that I am very fractious---sooooooooo grouchy. I was watching TV this morning and a commercial came on, one that I don't normally give to you-know-whats about. I found myself thinking, 'That guys's face is PISSING ME OFF!!!!!!!' On a commercial! I about flew off the handle on the comments forum for the local paper online. It was about vaccinating kids against HiB, which is a very virulent and deadly form of the flu. People say some of the stupidest things with absolutely no basis or fact to back them up! Normally, I just chalk that up to people being people and it doesn't bother me that much, but it was REALLY getting under my skin today. People and their ignorance, their PURPOSEFUL ignorance, have no place in civilized society.

Anyhoo, I will step down from the soapbox. My next chemo is on Tuesday. On Monday, I go in to have an IUC placed. Doctors always tell female chemo patients to go on some sort of birth control, for two reasons. One is to (obviously) prevent pregnancy, because chemo can do massive damage to a fetus. Two is to protect fertility--there is evidence that birth control has a protective effect on female fertility during chemotherapy. We all know stories about fertility in both males and females being severely impacted by chemo. I'm not too worried--most of you know how I feel about having children--but it won't hurt anyone, so I figured I may as well. I'm doing the Mirena IUC. I'm hoping that it will solve some other issues I've been having as well--you know, hormonal stuff.

Well, I had better get thinking about cleaning. Haha.

Kelly, if you read this--isn't Damages getting REALLY good?? Do you watch Nip/Tuck, too?

Bye, all! Have a great weekend!!

Ohhh, my poor hair!

2009-01-21T18:50:00.000-08:00

Definitely losing my hair...

It's interesting to me how much women are almost defined by their hair. When I was told of all the other side effects I would be enduring--the nausea, etc.--I thought, well, whatever! No problem! I can totally deal with this! Even just thinking about losing my hair, well, it was really no big deal. But when I pulled that first abnormally large handful off of my head the other day, I sort of started to re-think about that. "But, wait...that's MY hair! Where is is going?" See, guys have it good. You guys can shave off your hair, and no one is going to think that you are "going through a phase" or "becoming a rebellious feminist" or something of that nature. No one is going to stare, because guys just normally have short hair anyway. See, with women, it's different. Our hair is part of who we are, part of what makes us an individual. When that goes away, our sense of individuality goes away. In a sense, we lose a little bit of who we are. THAT'S why it's such a big deal when women lose their hair as a result of chemotherapy. A woman shaving her head is just not as natural an act as a man shaving his.

Don't worry, I don't want people to start shaving their heads to help me through this; nor am I having an identity crisis because my hair is falling out. It's just another one of those things I have to deal with in the journey to recovery. I can complain about it because I didn't inflict this on myself, so once in a while, I am entitled to a little whining. I'm going to miss my hair, but if it means that the treatment is working and the cancer won't come back, then off with the hair!

The muscle aches started yesterday and I was able to get through most of today without taking anything, but it became bad enough this afternoon that I took some ibuprofen (on top of the percocet for the jaw pain). I'm not really feeling too much better, but I am supposing it would be worse were I not taking anything at all. I have a tiny bit of bone pain from the Neulasta, but it's not a lot (thankfully). So far, so good, and hopefully the Neulasta will do what it's supposed to do and keep those WBC's up and functioning.

Yesterday, I withdrew from all of my classes, turned in my leave of absence form for school, and paid back my tuition refund to the bursar. So I am officially not a student for at least this semester. It feels a bit odd not attending classes for the first time in almost five years. I still have my incompletes to finish, so hopefully that will keep me busy for a little while.

Well, I'm going to get ready for Damages tonight--I love that show!

Actually, this was yesterday's post...

2009-01-20T11:52:00.000-08:00

Good afternoon, all!

Well, it begins. I noticed last night that I'm losing a lot more hair than normal--more than the usual small handful when I brush. A lot more came out during my shower this morning. So, I decided that it's haircut time. I cut off about 3-4 inches and picked up a few cute hats for later. It's really starting to set in now--I'm actually a cancer patient. It's wierd how I was able to sort of forget that I had cancer--especially on my 'good days.' I'm taking percocet now for the jaw pain, and that seems to be keeping it at bay. I was given a lidocaine mouthwash for the burning sensation--haven't had to use that yet, but it's good to know that it's there. The nausea is being kept to a minimum with all those fancy drugs I was given. I'm not sure if it's the percs or the chemo that's making me feel so tired, but I think I am going to cut short here and go for a quick nap.

I posted a picture of my new haircut--I hope you can see the difference. It's noticeably shorter.

Later, all!

Quick Update

2009-01-18T10:20:00.000-08:00

Wow, sorry everyone! I just realized this morning that I haven't updated in a while. Everything is going fine. My blood counts were adequate (not great, though). My WBC count was 3.3, and my neutrophils were right at the miniumum that they are willing to give chemo at--1.0. I will receive a shot of Neulasta on Tuesday, then after that I will take it home and give myself the shot. THAT should be fun. My cold has pretty much cleared up; I just have a little bit of a stuffy nose.

I was really nauseated Friday night and for most of Saturday morning, but I feel okay now. As long as I stay ahead of the game and take those anti-nausea drugs, I should be okay. I'm watching for any of those other nasty side effects so that I can stay ahead of those, too.

My mom took off to go back home for a week on Thursday--the absolute COLDEST day we have had for a while! She took the train, and it was about five hours late due to the weather. They also warned her not to check her baggage because they had had problems with the baggage cart doors freezing up. She had two big suitcases--how on Earth did they expect my tiny mother to manage those by herself??? Oh, well. She made it, her bags made it, and she said that the ride was pretty cool.

Well, I don't have any rants today :). I will update as I think of stuff to update, for sure. Stay warm, everyone!!

Sike!

2009-01-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

So...chemo treatment #2 did not happen yesterday. I saw my onc's PA, Tara Rick, yesterday (who is pretty cool). My white blood cell count was too low--specifically my neutrophils. The actual WBC count was 2.9 (the minimum is 4.0), and my neutrophils were 0.4 (the minimum is 1.6). Neutrophils are the type of white blood cell that 'ingest' pathogens. They are sort of the 'first line defense' for your body, and if they are low, then your immune system is compromised. If my neutrophils were within a more normal range, chemo would have gone on anyway and they would have given me Neulasta, which is a granulocyte colony-stimulating factor. That's just a fancy word for 'white blood cell producing protein.' Neulasta will make my bone marrow over-produce neutrophils, and this sometimes causes bone pain. My treatment was rescheduled for Friday at 10:00 with the hopes that my counts will increase by then. They will be giving me Neulasta then (assuming my counts are adequate).

I realized that I never wrote about the different stages. I'll just go through that briefly, since I'm sure no one wants another biology lecture :)

Stage I is characterized by the presence of cancer in just one lymph node region, or just one part of a tissue or organ (remember those Reed-Sternberg cells?); for example, the presence of cells in a single node in the chest or groin, or in an organ such as the thymus or spleen.

Stage II is characterized by the presence of cancer in more than one lymph node region, but they are close to each other and on the same side of the diaphragm; using the example above, it would be more than one node in the same area.

Stage III is characterized by the presence of cancer in more than one lymph node region on different sides of the diaphragm. The cancer can also be found in organs that are near those nodes.

Stage IV is characterized by the presence of cancer in several areas, nodes, and/or organs, different sides of the diaphragm.

There are also 'A' and 'B' designations of the stages. 'A' means that the person has had no weight loss, drenching night sweats, or fevers. 'B' means that one or more of these symptoms are present.

I am stage IA, which is the best I could hope for given the circumstances!

I will also have another lung function test on Friday after my chemo. My onc wants to do one before each chemo cycle to see if my lungs are healthy enough to add the bleomycin. I've been trying to work on my lungs a little, but not because I want the bleo. I'm just tired of getting winded when I go up stairs. The gym looks better all the time, and I did go yesterday. Walking is boring and doesn't get my heart or respiratory rate up enough, so I am going to try a slow jog today. That is assuming that I can motivate myself to go out again in this ridiculously cold weather. I'm so sick of this crap. I'm totally moving to somewhere ON the equator when I'm done with school.

That's all I have, really. Getting myself all geared up for the Red Kool-Aid Death, Comet, and Drano infusion and then not having it happen is sort of a strange experience. I'm relieved in the way you would be relieved at putting off going to the dentist for another day. I'm pissy about it because it means I have to wait another few days, and get myself geared up all over again. Chemo is just one of those things that I just want to get over with so I can get on with my life. Stupid fricken cancer!

Reflective Behavior

2009-01-12T15:50:00.000-08:00

T-minus one day to chemo treatment #2.

Ted and I just came back from the funeral. What a long drive back--a winter storm came through and we drove through some blowing snow and once we were back in Minnesota, the roads were crappy! Wisconsin has the right idea by pre-emptively salting the roads and sending plows out while it's coming down. We didn't see a single plow on I-94 after we crossed back into Minnesota. It's no wonder there are so many accidents every time it snows here.

I'm not sure what I was expecting today. I didn't know Jason personally--in fact, I have only met him once, at Ted's sister's wedding last year, and I feel bad that I don't remember--but today sort of made me start thinking about stuff I probably have no business thinking about. Since being faced with my own mortality, I've had this disordered sense of what's important. I used to think I knew what was important in my life--school, family, making a name for myself in this world. I put a lot of my time in to acheiving high marks in school and pleasing my bosses. I wanted to be better than everyone at everything I attempted, and if I wasn't the best at it then I was a failure and I made myself miserable worrying about that failure. I went in for that biopsy thinking I would be in and out, hurryhurryhurry and get to the parents' house for Thanksgiving because that's the only time I ever take to go see them. Instead, I awoke several hours later with a plastic tube shoved down my throat and a machine breathing for me. The first person I saw was Ted, and he had a look on his face I had never seen before: on his face read the fear that I was feeling. He may not ever admit that and I don't care, but it was there. I knew right then, without a doubt, that I loved that man and he loved me back. Once it was explained to me where I was and why (and with the help of those wonderful feelgood drugs they give you) I calmed down enough to piece together what had happened. My mom showed up some time later--the drug haze does not allow for me to place that time nor the look on her face. Some time between all of this, everything I had been worrying about a mere 24 hours ago seemed ridiculously insignificant to the point of being absurd. Who cares about losing a few points on a homework assignment? Who really cares about the difference between an A and and A minus? What is it that I am so afraid of that makes me not want to admit that I am in love with someone? As I reorganized my priorities (get this tube out of my throat, beg a nurse to let me drink some water, walk on my own, etc.), I began to realize that I had a VERY skewed sense of what is really important in life.

Today has most certainly solidified that realization. Jason leaves behind a wife and two children, parents and siblings and extended family that will miss him very much. He made a huge impact on his community, and that is how his memory will live on. You know what's important? Telling the people you love that you do. Enjoying the moments in your life, no matter how insignificant. We are fragile, and our lives can sometimes be too short to waste them worrying about things that, in all honesty, just aren't that damn important.

Many of you know this already, but I am not a religious person. I have my reasons, none of them hateful or spiteful. I don't look down upon people who are religious or spiritual. In fact, I completely respect their faith. It takes a lot of moxie to say 'I believe this, because I have faith in this, and my faith is important to me, period.' I will never in a million years think any less of anyone because they have faith in something that I do not. I don't mean to offend anyone by writing this, but it is a personal choice of mine. And no, I don't need to 'find religion' or 'be saved' or anything. I'm perfectly happy the way I am; I don't feel as though I am missing out on anything. I do, however, believe in patience and forgiveness, something of which I am guilty of not having much of. I'm working on that--I have realized that there are things that are just not worth getting upset about, and there are people I need to forgive, including myself.

I found myself thinking of Priscilla today. For those of you who don't know her, she was my best friend when we were kids. She and her family moved to Washington when we were in the sixth grade--she had a type of bone cancer called osteogenic sarcoma, and the only doctor who would do a life-saving surgery for her was there. She was a very sick little girl at the time, already having gone through chemo treatments and preparing for a major and somewhat experimental surgery. She was incredibly brave, and came through the experience like a champ. Shortly afterwards, she and I became fast friends. She and her family moved to the east coast when we were in the eighth grade. She was at her five-year mark being cancer free when she developed cancer again, this time in her lungs. That was as the end of March, 1997. It spread so quickly that she succumbed to it on April 7, 1997. She was sixteen years old. I was devastated--I had lost my best friend. I learned something from that, though. I learned that life is short and not worth wasting. I also learned from Priscilla the depths of the human soul. She never complained about her situation. She always had a smile on her face. She looked forward, not behind--she wasn't headed that way. The last time I talked to her, when she was in the hospital before she passed away, she was receiving a blood transfusion and I began to panic at the seriousness of her condition. She said, 'Don't worry, Nicole, I'm fine! It's no big deal!' I hope that I have half the courage through this that she had. She is my hero.

The pastor at the service today spoke of life as a gift. We are gifted with the relationships around us, and all too often we take those gifts for granted. We need to take the time to appreciate the gift for exactly what it is: a gift. We are not entitled to friendships, we are not entitled to love, we are not entitled to the relationships of family. They are all gifts, and they should be treated as such. We are here for such a fleeting moment in the grand scheme of things that it is ridiculous, almost obscene, to hold grudges against each other, to not take the time to continue relationships because of stupid things such as distance or time, to hang on to something just because you are afraid to let go, or to not tell someone that you love them simply because you are afraid of what those words may actually mean.

Because of the quick actions of the medical team at the hospital, I was able to avert disaster. What happened was a true medical emergency--one that I could have died from. I have been given a second chance, and I do NOT intend to squander it. And when I beat cancer, I don't intend to squander THAT second chance, either. My fears about life are beginning to disappear. Life is entirely too short to spend it afraid of what tomorrow will bring. For lack of a better phrase, cancer can SUCK MY ASS. Bring on tomorrow. I'm ready, and I'm not afraid anymore.

Cancer is an Unwelcome Houseguest

2009-01-11T10:53:00.000-08:00

So, it's Sunday, and I skipped another day of web updates. I just really don't have anything new to talk about, I suppose.

I had dinner with my friend Cailin on Friday night. We went to the Local in downtown Minneapolis--I always love eating there. It's an Irish restaurant and bar, and they have really tasty food. I'm sad that Cailin is leaving, but I'm happy for her, too, because she is leaving to go do something she really wants to do. I'm really proud of her for doing what she's doing--I know how much guts it takes to pack everything up and move somewhere new, where you don't know anyone at all (I've done it!).

Yesterday, my friends Bobbi and Michelle stopped by and we drove out to the barn I work at. (Thanks, ladies!) It was nice to see the people I was able to see there yesterday. We even walked out to see the new cross-country stuff in the back of the property. I thought I would be huffing and puffing like an out of shape wrestler, but I did very well. We then came back and made a bunch of tasty treats--cranberry oat bran muffins, oatmeal raisin cookies, and banana bread.

I also realized last night that I have no idea how I was able to complete the two problem sets for physics. Not only am I pretty sure I didn't have the right answers to begin with, but I don't remember how I came to those answers in the first place. Unfortunately, this means that I will not be able to get those done before tomorrow. I don't know what that means for my grade, but I guess I will find out. I simply don't care anymore; I just want to get it over with. I'm so frustrated with the whole situation.

T-minus two days until my next chemo. Am I supposed to prepare for it? (Are you pumped? Are you psyched?) I have a hard time getting pumped to go have caustic chemicals forced into my veins. It really is quite easy to forget that I have cancer most days, but we'll see in a few days if my sentiments will change. From my limited view, cancer is kind of like the sneaky 'friend' that likes to stay over all the time. At first, you don't realize that he's there all that much because he doesn't want to make any waves. He doesn't want to piss you off so that you kick him out, so he flies just under your radar. He takes up just a little corner of your apartment, folds his blankets up in the morning, and cleans up after himself. After a while, he gets comfortable and starts to take over your life. He brings his stuff, he brings his friends, and before you know it, he is eating all your food, drinking all your beer, and become completely obnoxious and you have no idea what to do about it or how it got that way. Well, my sneaky 'friend,' I have a way of getting rid of you. I'm going to scrub you with Comet and squirt you with Drano until you leave. (I don't suggest doing this with actual people. I think there are laws against it.) Unfortunately, I am going to get Comet and Drano all over myself as well, but that's just a risk I'm willing to take in order to make you leave. You don't belong here. You weren't welcome in the first place, you worthless freeloader. And when you are finally gone, I am going to keep up with the Comet and Drano until all the places you occupied are spotlessly clean. It will be like you were never here. And when you are gone and I can have my life back again, I am NEVER going to give you the satisfaction of a second thought.

Is is strange that I anthropomorphize my cancer? I mean, when you think about it, it IS a part of me. That, I suppose, makes it just as human as I am. The cancer is a collection of cells, I'm a collection of cells. The difference between us is that I'm not going to suck the life out of anyone.

Well, that is my rant for the day. Tomorrow, Ted and I are going to the funeral for his sister's brother (no, he was not Ted's brother. Wrap your head around that one.). He was killed in a car accident last week, and I know she is heartbroken. She has my every sympathy--I'm not for a second going to pretend I have any idea what she's going through. I'm mainly going to show my support for her and her family. This was a horrible thing to happen, but as I have had my own brush with mortality, I'm coming to the realization that these things are a part of life. An unfortunate, really crappy and unfair part of life, but a part of it nontheless.

Later, all!!

2009-01-09T09:11:00.000-08:00

Seriously. I mean, come on. Can it possibly be any colder? I know, I know, of course it can. But does it have to be this cold HERE? 14 degrees is a little chilly. And, come one now, can't the sun peek out for just ONE day? BUT...I'm having lunch with my Cailin today, so that makes me feel a little better about the weather.

This is a picture of my cat (the multicolored ball of fur on the left) my chocolate Labrador retriever, Cody. I thought it was cute and that I should post it on here.

I found this on the blog of another Hodger. If you get some spare time, check it out because he is absolutely hilarious. http://www.preservationrecords.com/blog/index.asp
His frankness and sense of humor about his situation really shines through in his writing. He wrote about what things NOT to say to a cancer patient...and I concur!!

'Everyone, let me explain how you should respond to someone who just got diagnosed with cancer:

• Do not ignore them. Do not stop calling them because suddenly you don't know what to say. Do not try to avoid them in social situations because you are uncomfortable.

• Go up to them. Call them. E-mail them. Tell them, first, that you heard about the cancer. Tell them second that you think it sucks and you're sorry to hear about it.

• Don't talk about your uncle who died of the same cancer. Don't talk about how your whole family has had cancer, and you'll probably die of it, too. Don't talk about how many people die of it every year. Don't talk about death.

• Don't talk about how you once got diagnosed with pneumonia, so you can understand what it's like. No you can't. Don't try. Tell them you can't even imagine what it's like to go through something like this.

• Do not talk about the alternative medicine that you read about in Crazy Monthly, that is sure to cure them of their disease. Don't tell them that their treatment isn't good for them, and that lot's of people end up dying from the treatments, or that chemotherapy is just a big conspiracy between the government and the pharmaceutical companies, etc., etc. Don't tell them how they got it. Just stop. They don't need to hear about it.

• If they are sad about it, don't tell them that they shouldn't be sad. They have a right to be sad, or exhausted, or whatever it is they feel. Don't tell them what to do.

• Ask them about the treatment - then listen to the response. It might be a long response, with a lot of medical terms. Listen anyway. It's all they probably think about right now, anyway, so just let them talk about it.

• Give them a hug, or a handshake, or a pat on the back. Touch them somehow. Tell them that you're concerned for them, and you're looking forward to them being a cancer survivor.

• Do not give them the line, 'if there's anything I can do just tell me...', unless you are absolutely certain that you would do ANYTHING for them. Just don't say it. Because most people don't mean it. If you really want to do something for them, come up with the idea yourself, and then do it. Send them flowers, or a book, or bring over dinner for them.'

Don't get me wrong, everyone has been absolutely wonderful. I have even had friends come out of the woodwork that I haven't seen or talked to in forever, which is nice. I'm very happy to have the support network that I do.

So, last night, I think I figured out that I'm coming down with a cold. I have the runny nose of a sledding four-year-old, I feel like someone jammed a bunch of cotton balls into my left sinus, and I have a headache (albeit a mild one). I'm not sure what this means for treatment, but I would suppose if my WBC count is low and I'm sick on top of that they will postpone my chemo for a week to allow me to battle this. I really feel fine other than the mild headache and the snot all over my upper lip.

Anywho, I had better get going and do some physics before I get too long-winded. Later, all!!

Freezing Minnesota & Physics Woes

2009-01-08T14:04:00.000-08:00

Brrrrr!!!! Come on, spring!!

So...I was almost ALL FINISHED with my physics. Completely finished. I had three problem sets and a lab report to do. I was finished with all but a few problems and am almost done with the lab report. I went to print the problem sets off my computer--they were so neat and organized and fancy-looking!--and where were they?!? Noooooooo!!! They're gone! All I can think of is that I ran a disk cleanup utility before I went to bed last night and somehow they ended up being trashed. I do have one of the problems sets written down, luckily. So...I emailed my instructor, and she gave me til Monday to get the other two done. Hopefully, I can remember how I did the problems and get this done quickly. You know the funny thing? I just don't care. I'm not mad, I didn't want to cry, nothing. I had about five minutes of sheer panic when I realized they weren't there, but after that I was sort of like, 'Well, how about that?' Three weeks of hard work that I now have to smash into three days. I just can't find it in myself to get worked up about it like I normally would. Physics is absolutely the bane of my existence. If I get it done, I get it done and that's good. If I don't, I will probably fail physics and I am going to be really disappointed then.

Feel great, not much to report on that front. Five days until next chemo. I'm simply amazed at the difference between how I felt last weekend and how I feel today. I feel almost 100%. I'm not complaining, that's for sure!

Well, I suppose I had better get back to the dredgery...wish me luck!

Nicole

2009-01-07T12:58:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone!

I thought I might get on here and do an update before I devote the rest of my evening to physics.

I don't really have anything new to report, other than the fact I feel fine today. Like nothing ever happened! It's actually kinda nice. I know these days will be precious and far between sooner or later, so I am cherishing this one as much as possible. I even had the stomach for a cup of coffee!

Every time I log on here, I get to see how many visitors have been by the site. Don't worry, it doesn't say who you are, it just says how many hits my site has received. Wow, you guys! Thanks so much for the support! It's silly that it takes the tough times to make you realize how loved you truly are...and boy do I feel loved! Your support is very important to me, and will continue to be through my treatment.

As always, this site is free and ad-free. You can also visit my other, more visually stimulating and adverstisement-loaded sites at http://nicolescancer.blogspot.com or www.myspace.com/animaldocof2012 OR look me up on Facebook.

Six days till the next treatment. I will be eating Ding-dongs and hamburgers till then (just kidding).

Nicole

2009-01-06T18:44:00.000-08:00

I'm taking a break from physics to...well, do nothing, I guess.

I might just futz around on the net for a while.

You know what I noticed today? Acne! It's like I'm sixteen again! Seriously! I haven't had an issue with this since I was a teenager. I mean, the occasional one here and there from stress or not removing makeup, but GEEZ, they're everywhere! I have two on my face that are forming a sort of governing body--they have even conducted a recount already! I could use some mud and a massage.

Okay, well, enough with that. I think I've grossed everyone out enough for the evening.

Thanks, everyone!!

Waxings of a cancer patient...

2009-01-06T09:18:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the no-update yesterday! It's amazing when you're doing nothing how quickly time gets away from you.

The jaw pain & muscle aches are better. Tylenol is doing the trick with the jaw. I knew I read this somewhere, but apparently the vinblastine causes jaw pain. I chatted with the triage nurse yesterday and she confirmed it. It affects the cranial nerve, which can cause jaw pain and parotid (salivary) gland pain. Bingo! The more you know, right?

Um, other than that, not much else going on. The 7-day countdown begins to my next chemo, which is a week from today. Other than my fingers being all tingly right now and some achiness, I don't really feel too bad. I don't know if I'm not getting that nauseated or if the meds are working because I don't feel that sick, either.

I chatted with my advisor yesterday. He is a good person, and a fantastic academic advisor. He has seen me through many a crisis since I have attended the university, from moving to the cities to scheduling snafus. I wanted his advice on whether or not I should attend school spring semester. I have been having my doubts. Don't get me wrong, PLEASE don't get me wrong, it's not that the motivation or drive aren't there. It has more to do with the fact that I am trying to come to grips with reality and realize that it may be completely impossible to keep up with academic demands in between doctor visits, all day infusion room appointments with the ensuing rest and recovery, and those days when I feel lousy. I don't want to commit myself to school, and then be unable to fulfill my committment. It would be futile and serve to disappoint me further. My advisor (Doug) echoed this sentiment. His wife had breast cancer 15 years ago, and he saw first hand how treatment can affect a hardworking person. She had the drive, she had the determination, but at the end of the day, her body just did not have the same drive. I fear that I would be placed in just that situation. I'm still thinking it over, but I think that it may be best if I take the semester off. I don't want to--as many of you know already, I have had a lot of setbacks in my chase--but my health is important. I do have the option of doing my thesis instead--a few thesis credits to keep me as a registered student, and to keep me occupied. I think I will think it over this weekend. It's a huge decision.

Okay, well, off to the wonderful world of physics I go.

Continuation...today.

2009-01-04T20:50:00.000-08:00

I guess a quick quip before bed won't hurt...

I did call the on-call onc (haha, she laughs again), and she told me to try some ibuprofen. I did, and the muscle aches got a little better but the damn jaw pain just was STUBBORN. She called back a few hours later to check and see how I was doing and I was still miserable. She then said I could try taking extra strength tylenol on top of the ibuprofen if my pain didn't improve, and that everything except the jaw pain is kind of expected. She didn't know what to make of the jaw pain at all, and she made sure I was aware that I need to tell my onc (Dr. Datta) on Monday just in case it's something that needs some attention. I took all those pain meds like a good kid, and the jaw pain has subsided some but not all the way. Boo.

Hopefully I will feel much better tomorrow so I can wrap up my physics and get that stuff out of my hair. My dogs also have dentals tomorrow (yay! No more landfill mouths!) and after that, I am going to chat with my advisor about my options for school. You have no idea how much I want to continue with school through this, but I don't want to over commit myself and then end up just screwing myself in the end. My advisor is awesome; he has always been there with great advice, no matter what. I'm sure he'll have something to shed light on this for me.

Ta for now,
Nicole

Mornings at my house...at least this morning....

2009-01-04T07:15:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, I just woke up about twenty minutes ago, and I am the crabbiest I have been in a LONG time. My body aches all over (from the steroid, I am told), and while the cayenne pepper mouth has disappeared, my jaw still hurts and now my fingers are all tingly. I still have some things to do today, so I am going to try to call the on-call oncologist (say THAT three times fast) and see if there's anything I can take for these aches. My clothes actually hurt me just sitting here.

Other than that, not too much going on this morning. I'm assuming it's either the meds or the pain that's making me so cranky, so I'm just trying to be patient and breathe and get through it. I went out to dinner with my mom and a friend yesterday and found that iced tea still tastes really good to me, but turkey burgers aren't that fantastic. I had fries with the burgers, and I may as well have been eating spoonfuls of salt, which is all I could taste. Very sad, because I love turkey burgers with just the right amount of seasoning. Sorry, turkey burgers, see you in six months.

Thanks to everyone stopping by and saying hello, etc. Sure does make me smile when I feel like I can't anymore!

Nicole

Random Ramblings...

2009-01-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

Wow, two whole days and no update? What's wrong with me?

Let's see...nothing too exciting. Everything I eat pretty much tastes like cardboard--cardboard dipped in grease, salt, or sugar. I also woke up yesterday feeling like I put several hot peppers in my mouth, and somebody came up and punched me several times both cracking my jaw and making the peppers explode. My face hurts and every time I eat something, it tastes like it is covered in cayenne pepper. No nausea, though. That's helpful. The Zofran can give a person a headache, but I just started taking it last night so I don't think my jaw pain has anything to do with that. I think even if I had a headache, I would have no idea due to the pain in my face :(

I hope everyone had a grand New Year's. I managed to stay up til midnight, but it was lights out after that. My dad and grandpa took off on Thursday. Apparently they ran into some ice along the way, but they made it home in good time and safely. I'm really glad they came.

My good friend is moving in about a week and a half, and I'm pretty bummed about that. She has had this trip planned for a while now--she's going to go to motorcycle school and learn to work on the hogs in AZ. I'm a little envious--no more snow for her! I just realized yesterday how quickly her move is coming up and it just sorta suprised me.

Well, I don't have too much else to update at this point. I will try not to have another gap like that, for sure!!

Thanks to everyone, again!

2008-12-31T17:28:00.000-08:00

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 31, 2008 07:07 PM, CST

Day one, post-chemo round #1, treatment #1. I was really nauseated last night, even with the anti-nausea drugs I was given. These are what I was sent home with: dexamethasone (a steroid), Zofran, and compazine. I was also given Aloxi as an IV injection before the chemotherapy was started. This will be given every time. It seems that these actually work on the central nervous system to turn off the 'nausea control center' in your brain. Chemotherapy messes with this area and simply makes your brain think that your stomach is upset and needs to spew. It seems like this would then be some kind of mind over matter thing, but I was told not to take any chances. Maybe later. Dexamethasone keeps you awake at night, so I shouldn't take that too late, I've been told. This morning wasn't so bad, but by about ten-ish I wanted a cup of tea, so I made one. It tasted absolutely awful. I thought maybe it was the water, but I tried something I love (one of those tasty haystacks that Ted's parents brought) and that was REALLY awful. I also just had a glass of milk, and it tasted exactly like sweetened liquid fat, and left me with an aftertaste of Band-Aids. How depressing. I LOVE food, but it seems that those days will be few and far between now. Oh, well.

Other than that, I am plugging away at my physics and I hope to be done a little bit early so I can drop everything off to my instructor next week. I doubt we are doing anything exciting tonight for New Years--no beers for me, I'm pretty sure they would taste like YUCK!!

Oh, I forgot to mention this yesterday, but my bone marrow biopsy came back clean. Yay!!! That means that I am stage IA Hodgkins, which is the best I could hope for under the circumstances. This means that the cancer probably has not spread anywhere outside the thymus, and I was asymptomatic before my diagnosis. I will explain the stages later, probably tomorrow.

Does anyone know much about filling out disability paperwork? They tell you to fill it out as soon as you can, and I have been trying to get everything together but it just seems so discouraging. Email me at covey016@umn.edu if you have any ideas or shortcuts for me. Or, on the flip side, does anyone know how to pay bills with no income other than the good old reliable rubber check? Haha!

Well, my mom is making a roast tonight. I hope I can taste it!

Take care, everyone!!!

2008-12-31T08:22:00.001-08:00

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2008 04:02 PM, CST

Hey, everyone!

Just came home about a half hour ago. How do I feel, you ask? Fine, mostly. I kinda feel like I drank too much coffee, without the wakefulness. Oh, yeah, and the arm they put the IV into hurts like hell.

My lung function test was not that great. I don't have the ability to use my lungs at their full capacity yet, probably due to the surgery. So, my oncologist opted to leave out the bleomycin (which is the one that is hardest on the lungs). She may add it later if my lung function improves, but it may not be necessary.

They also sent me home with all these scripts. I feel like a cancer patient...oh, wait. Ha! There are three that are for the nausea. Hooray.

The infusion room (which is where they give chemo) is interesting. It consists of curtained rooms with a recliner. I suppose you could call them semi-private. They were busy today due to the holiday--folks scheduling their treatments after Christmas. We had to wait a long time to get in there--at least I didn't have anything else to do :) The doxorubicin and vinblastine came first--each in their own syringe and pushed into the IV, doxorubicin first and then vinblastine. The dacarbazine is given as an IV drip over an hour, but for this time I received it over an hour and a half. About midway through, I had to pee. I already knew that the doxorubicin causes your urine to change color, and the nurse reminded me. The stuff is bright red, like cherry Kool-aid. I peed peach! It was just a little suprising I guess.

My mom and dad were there, and so was Ted. We just sorta chilled and watched Stormchasers on the Discovery channel until it was all done. I tried to do some more physics, but it's so noisy in there that it's kinda difficult to concentrate.

Well, I'm kinda cranky because my arm hurts. I'm going to go make myself a grilled cheese and watch TV. I am so grateful for everyone's support and the guestbook entries--thank you, thank you, thank you!! It makes me feel like a million bucks!

2008-12-31T08:21:00.002-08:00

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 30, 2008 08:19 AM, CST Off to my first chemo. They changed my appointment in the infusion room from 1:30 to 11:00. I have a lung function test at 9:00 and an appointment with my oncologist at 10:00.

I will update more later!!

2008-12-31T08:21:00.001-08:00

MONDAY, DECEMBER 29, 2008 12:07 PM, CST

Brrrrr....

I'm so sick of the cold weather already! Is it spring yet??

No new updates. It is T-minus one day before my first chemo treatment. By this time tomorrow I will likely be a nervous wreck, attempting to cover it up with humor. I still haven't heard anything about my bone marrow biopsy. I think I will just wait until tomorrow when I see my oncologist and ask her. I think it's pretty cool that I have a woman oncologist, and her assistant is a very cool dude whose name I can't recall.

Um, I get to take all my animals in to see their doctor this afternoon to get up to date on shots. Cody (my chocolate labrador) and Harley (my black lab border collie cross) both need a few vaccinations and an exam; Noel (my kitty) just needs her Depo-Medrol injection. It's a steroid shot, and it's the only thing that makes her feel better--she has arthritis in almost all of her joints, a heart murmur, and she's walking on a bone spur. Her normal behavior is to sleep all the time, not play, and lick the places that hurt until her fur is gone and her skin bleeds. How on Earth that makes her feel better is beyond me! After her injection, she's like a new kitten. Whatever makes her feel better!

OK, so the last drug in the ABVD series is dacarbazine (duh-KAR-buh-zeen). It's name alone just completely gives me the creeps. I'm not sure why, but the website I normally go to to reference drugs (www.rxlist.com) does not list a lot of information, I think because a lot is not known about how this drug actually works. It seems that it may also interfere with DNA.

The major side effect is low white blood cell count, which can be severe enough to stop treatment with this drug. Severe liver damage has also occurred, as has severe allergic reaction. More frequently, decreased appetite, nausea, and vomiting occur (the literature shows that this occurs in about 90% of people treated with this drug). This can't always be controlled with some of the drugs they use, and sometimes treatment needs to be stopped. Other things that can occur are: fever, general feeling of discomfort, hair loss, facial flushing, and sometimes sensitivity to light.

Well, I will wrap this one up. I'm trying to enjoy my last day of normalcy, but I have a lot to do yet today. I really wish this wasn't happening, but here it is, and I have to deal with it. It's becoming a little more realistic now that chemo day is almost here. The past few weeks, I've been able to put this at the back of my mind because it seemed like so far away. Now it's here and totally in my face.

On a lighter note, check out this website: http://www.imtooyoungforthis.org/index.shtml. I found it on the blog of another person who went through Hodgkins and treatment with ABVD, Kelly Kane. She is around my age, which is kinda nice, and her blog has been tremendously helpful. At least I know I'm not the only chick who is infatuated with her hair :) Check out her blog at http://www.chemopalooza.com/ and show her some love, too!

See you all later!!

2008-12-31T08:20:00.002-08:00

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 28, 2008 02:19 PM, CST

Good afternoon, all!

I still don't have much to update. I feel a thousand times better than I did a month ago. Right now I'm trying to get the motivation to finish up my physics. It's difficult for me to concentrate on that stuff--I'm not really into mechanical physics (which is what I'm taking). I'm really into biophysics because that stuff makes a lot more sense to me, but I couldn't get into that class. It's full of pre-med and pre-pharmacy students!

I would like to start this post off with some statistics that I found on the Lymphoma Info Network website (http://www.lymphomainfo.net/hodgkins/incidence.html):

'The American Cancer Society estimates that 7,880 cases of Hodgkin's lymphoma (4,330 men and 3,550 women) will be diagnosed in the U.S. in 2004, less than 1% of all cancer diagnoses. Approximately 131,279 members of the U.S. population are living with Hodgkin's lymphoma. 85-90% of Hodgkin's occurs in adults, 10 to 15% in children. It is more common, though, in 2 age groups: early adulthood (age 15-40, usually 25-30) and late adulthood (after age 55). Hodgkin's is rare before 5 years of age.

Unfortunately 1,320 people are expected to pass away of the disease this year. Because of advances in treatment, the number of patients who succumb to Hodgkin's has fallen more than 60% since the early 1970s.'

Does this put things into perspective for me? Maybe. Does this make more people aware of a disease process that may not be well known? I hope so. Modern medicine has made leaps and bounds from even just 50 years ago, but we still have a long way to go. While I doubt that we will ever find a cure-all for cancer, what we can do is make better treatments available, and have more understanding of the treatments we are currently using. There is still a lot we don't know. What more people absolutely need to be aware of is that cancer does not just strike the elderly and the infirm. It also strikes the young and healthy, with both encouraging and devastating consequences. If my experience with cancer shows us anything, I hope that is shows us to pay attention to what your body tells you. Be in tune to yourself, and don't ignore the signs your body is giving you in it's attempt to tell you something is wrong--no matter how subtle.

So, the next drug in the ABVD series is vinblastine (vin-BLASS-teen). What is interesting about this drug is that while the other two are derived from, well, molds, vinblastine is actually an extract from the periwinkle plant! For those of you who think that our modern medicines are more Frankenstien than nature, let me tell you that most of our medications come from plants and fungi that we see every day. For example, the main ingredient in aspirin--salicylic acid--actually comes from the bark of the black willow tree! But, I'm way off topic here.

The way vinblastine works against cancer is it stops a specific stage in the cell's reproductive cycle. So yet again, it doesn't actually kill the cell itself, but stops it from dividing to reproduce. Vinblastine is actually the drug that is most potent against Hodgkin's lymphoma, even by itself. Using it with the other three drugs increases its usefulness as well as its potency.

Some of the side effects include: hair loss, low white blood cell count, anemia, constipation, anorexia, weight loss, vomiting, intestinal blockage due to its paralysis, mouth sores, neurologic dysfunction such a numbness or tingling in the hands and feet, high blood pressure, and sometimes heart attack. The hair loss is not always total, and many people have had their hair regrow while they are still undergoing treatment. However, with the other drugs that we will be using, I probably won't be so lucky! It seems that low white blood cell count is the major side effect of this drug, and it is both dosage-dependent and dose-limiting (meaning that my doctors may lower the dose or stop the drug altogether if my WBC count becomes too low).

Well, I suppose it's back to the wonderful world of physics. I continue to look forward to seeing who has been by to sign my guestbook, and I thank you all for your support!

2008-12-31T08:20:00.001-08:00

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 27, 2008 11:53 AM, CST

OK, so here is the second in my little 'series' of what these cancer drugs are all about.

The second drug in the series is called bleomycin (blee-oh-MY-sin). The way it works is not precisely known, but it seems to damage DNA to the point that a cell will stop its reproductive cycle. This means that while this drug does not actually kill cells, it does stop them from reproducing. This leaves them vulnerable to the other drugs that will be used.

Its major side effect is pulmonary fibrosis--lung damage. People who undergo this type of chemotherapy are monitored closely for any changes in their lung function. The reason this drug is so damaging to lung tissue is because the enzyme your body uses to break down this drug (bleomycin hydrolase), while readily available in the rest of your body, is completely absent in lung tissue as well as skin. This side effect has a relatively high occurrence rate at 10%.

Other side effects include: an allergic-like reaction, reddening of the skin, rashes, itchiness, darkening of ths skin and nail beds, hair loss, fever, chills, vomiting, loss of appetite, weight loss, pain at tumor sites, vascular inflammation, and general discomfort. Rarely, heart attack and stroke have been reported as well.

Again, I want to emphasize that the benefit of this drug outweighs the risk. I will be closely monitored for any damaging side effects. When the risk outweighs the benefits, then the drug is stopped. All side effects are completely dependent on how much of the drug is received (dosage) and age and health of the person receiving the drug.

I can't say that I have any other updates, really. My dad and grandfather were going to come to the cities yesterday, but they postponed their drive due to the crazy weather we have been having--ice and freezing rain and wierd temperatures, oh my! Sounds like they will be taking off tomorrow instead.

Thanks to everyone who has been by and shown your support. It is really appreciated!

2008-12-31T08:15:00.000-08:00

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 26, 2008 10:30 AM, CST
Good morning, everyone!

I hope y'all had a great Christmas and your stomachs are recuperating as much as mine seems to be. I think I ate myself stupid yesterday, and then topped it all off with haystack, peanut butter balls, and beer. Tums, anyone??

I'm starting to get very nervous about my upcoming chemo. I know what to expect, but the side effects will depend on how my body reacts to the drugs they will give me. This blog will be the first in my 'series' of descriptions about the drugs that they will use. I am going to use my own knowledge from my education, as well as answers from my doctors, to explain things as best I can. I will try to keep it short and simple as possible--as I know not everyone has medical knowledge, I will try to explain things as I go and give you some of what I think is important information.

Here is the very quick and dirty on the thing we know as cancer:

Cancer is what happens when normal cells in your body begin to grow uncontrolled. Your body has a few ways to make sure that this doesn't happen. Normally, cells in your body are 'pre-programmed' to stop growing when they reach a certain size, local number, or density. When this is bypassed, your immune system recognizes this and goes into attack mode, causing the rebel cells to self-destruct. Only when your immune system is unable to recognize these cells as abnormal does the growth get out of hand, and you then have yourself some good old cancerous cells. Cancer cells have ways of 'hiding' themselves from your immune system.

The first drug in the ABVD series is called Adriamycin--its actual drug name is doxorubicin (dox-oh-REW-beh-sin). It is what is called a cytotoxic anthracycline--'cytotoxic' means that it kills cells, and 'anthracycline' means that it is basically an organic molecule, and that it's main molecular parts are arranged in a circular-type structure.

What this drug specifially does is it damages DNA. DNA is really only important to cells that have to multiply--otherwise is is basically dormant as the cell goes on about it's life being a cell. Several types of cells are classified as 'rapidly multiplying:' cells of the intestines that renew themselves about every three days, taste buds that may stick around for a few weeks, hair cells that make you have to get a haircut every month, and cancer cells.

Doxorubicin has several side effects: reversible hair loss, darkening of the nail beds, itching, nausea and vomiting, allergic reaction, low white blood cell counts (which are the infection-fighters), heart damage, leukemia, liver damage. If the IV is not placed correctly and this drug leaks into tissue surrounding the vein, it will damage the tissue and cause a lot of pain. The degree to which this drug will affect me depends largely on how my body is able to process and deal with it. It's benefit at this time outweighs the risks we are taking: it kills cancer cells. Period.

So I will leave with that. I think this post will be the longest one because now everyone has the background info! I know it's probably all quite boring, but you don't really have to read it all, now do you? :)

The picture is a shot of what normal white blood cells look like vs. the cancerous ones (not mine). I found that on the National Cancer Institute's website (http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/wyntk/hodgkin/page2). Check it out, very informative.

2008-12-31T08:14:00.000-08:00

OK, I am going to continue with the "cut and paste" from my other blog, and then I will hopefully be caught up.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 24, 2008 04:01 PM, CST

Good afternoon, all!

Not much to update. I'm on my 'down time' between all the diagnostic tests and the beginning of chemo. I did just receive copies of my medical records and the CD's of my scans today. When I figure out how the hell to post the pictures of the scans, I will do that post-haste. The pictures are incredible (my medical mind cannot help but be fascinated!).

My mom has been cooking up a storm. I can't wait for tomorrow's dinner, seeming as I missed Thanksgiving altogether by being in the hospital. Ted's parents and sister came by earlier today, and we will be heading up the street to the hotel they are staying at to hang out and munch on cheese, summer sausage, and other goodies.

I hope everyone has a fantastic Christmas!

THIS was actually the first posting...

2008-12-29T10:05:00.000-08:00

Hey, everyone! My name is Nicole, and I have recently been diagnosed with Hodgkin's disease. I have created this site to help keep friends and family up to date with what is going on. With any luck, treatment will be short and sweet. I will try to explain in case I get a little too technical! Please make sure to sign my guestbook and let me know that you stopped by!

On the 20th of November, I went into the ER for chest pains and a little shortness of breath. An EKG was done, which was normal. A CT scan to look for a pulmonary embolism (blood clot in the lungs) was negative. The next day, I recieved a phone call from a doctor in the radiology clinic, telling me that the CT scan showed a 'spot on my lung' and that I would need to follow up with my primary care doctor (Dr. Jonathan Tallman at Fairview Uptown clinic) ASAP. That scared the crap out of me! Apparently, the 'spot' was neither a spot nor in my lungs. It was a anterior mediastinal mass. The mediastinum is the area of your thorax (chest) that contains your heart and lungs. Anterior means frontal (in relation to your spine, which would be dorsal). Dr. Tallman referred me to Dr. Michael Maddaus, who is a thoracic surgeon. He immediately set me up for a CT-guided needle biopsy the next day. Unbenknownst to the doctor performing the biopsy, the portion of the mass that was directly underneath my breastbone was cystic (full of fluid). It disintegrated when the needle punctured it, and the extra room allowed my heart to move into its place. When the needle came out with no tissue in it, the doctor went back in, thinking he may have simply missed the mass. The needle punctured the right atrium of my heart, and soon after the biopsy I began to crash. My blood pressure dropped dangerously low, and I was sent to the ER. The staff there began to push fluids using several IVs in order to raise my blood pressure, without result. It took a little bit for the staff to figure out what had happened, and I was immediately rushed into surgery. The damage was repaired, and the surgeon removed the mass as well as the part of my pericardium that it was attatched to. Drainage tubes were placed--two draining fluid from around my heart and two draining fluid from around my lungs. I spent five days in the hospital, including one in the ICU (which just happened to be Thanksgiving--saltines and apple juice, anyone?). I was able to go home on the 30th of November. On the afternoon of the 8th, I found out that the worst outcome had become a reality: both Dr. Maddaus and Dr. Tallman called to tell me that the pathology on the mass showed Hodgkin's disease--it was cancer. Talk about being slapped with reality! I didn't even know how to react to that--I have always been so healthy and active that cancer seemed like such a remote possibilty. But there it was.

I hope that each of you will listen to what your body tells you, and don't ignore the signals it gives. I listened, and I may have drastically changed my own outcome for the better because of it. This may have been caught early enough that treatment will be effective, and it will never return.

2008-12-29T08:35:00.000-08:00

OK, I am going to try my hand at the online blog thingy. I have read so many stories about other people's dealings with Hodgkins disease and they have been so helpful that I figure someone else may benefit from reading about my adventures. I just don't want my experiences to be only mine! I am going to copy posts from my other site, http://caringbridge.org/visit/nicolecovey. Yeah, slacker, unoriginal, call it what you want. I'm a busy gyrl and I take shortcuts!

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2008 03:25 PM, CST

Ok, first post after all the craziness has somewhat settled. This will be somewhat of a 'retro-active' post just to catch up.

I went back in to the ER on the 10th of December for more chest pain and a strange sound in my normal heart beat. Normally, your heart sounds follow a very predictable description: 'lub-dub.' That's all that should be there. I had kind of a 'squishing' sound after my 'dub.' They performed an EKG (electrocardiogram), which did show some changes. Luckily, it was a simple thing (relatively)--I was told I had pericarditis, which is inflammation of the sac surrounding the heart. My poor little ticker was having a tough time keeping up. I received some anti-inflammatory medication (it is actually one that is used to control gout!), and after an overnight stay with a nitroglycerine drip, I was sent home and told to take it a little easier. On the 13th of December, I had my first of what will be a series of PET/CT scans. PET scans use a radioactively labeled sugar to see if there are any other areas of cancerous tissue. The idea is that tissue that is metabolically very active (which would be things like your heart and kidneys, healing wounds, and cancer cells) will take up more of this sugar than other cells as part of their natural processses, and will show up brighter on a PET scan. The CT scan would show any other abnormalities that may have been missed. The PET scan did not show any other areas affected by the lymphoma--which is the best news I have had--but the CT scan showed a 'spot of interest' in my heart. I had a regular echocardiogram (an ultrasound of the heart) on the 19th, and a trans-esophogeal echocardiogram (where they sedate you, numb your throat, have you swallow an ultrasound probe so they can get a better picture of the other side of your heart) on the 22nd (which was yesterday! How about that?). Normal! Ticker is ticking! I also had a bone marrow biopsy on the 18th, which was a very interesting experience. The bone marrow is taken out of your pelvis. They take both hard marrow (the stuff you usually think of that's in the middle of bones) and liquid marrow (which actually just looks like regular blood). Hard marrow is taken out of both sides of your pelvis, and the liquid stuff just out of one side. We are still waiting on the results of that. The PET/CT scans and the bone marrow biopsy are both tools that are used to 'stage' the progress of cancer. Staging is basically figuring out if, and how far, the cancer has spread. I will post the different stages later with the results of the bone marrow biopsy.

So far, other than the one trip back to the ER, I have been recovering uneventfully at home. I, of course, had to take incompletes in my schoolwork. All of my instructors have been very accommodating, and I will slowly get everything completed along with taking the courses I registered for in the spring. I have had to take a hiatus from work due to the surgery--no driving for four weeks, and no lifting of anything heavier than a gallon of milk for three months. I have five very interesting scars that are itching like hell right now, and tightening up as they continue to heal which is painful all in itself. My oncologist, Dr. Yvonne Datta, thinks that while school may not be too difficult for me to manage during chemotherapy, working will be impossible. As most of you know, I work part-time in a boarding stable caring for horses. I can see where that may be difficult.

I will begin chemotherapy on the 30th. The type is called ABVD, which stand for Adriamycin, Bleomycin, Vinblastine, and Dacarbazine. This is a common course of drugs for Hodgkin's lymphoma. I will write more about this later...

I think I will wrap up this first post. This is a long one. I will try to make them shorter, more informative, or at least more interesting. Stay tuned!