I'm taking a break from whoring myself around (a.k.a. sending resumes and networking for employment) and it just dawned on me that my mind is full of thoughts I should probably work through. I have taken many things from therapy over the last several months and one of the suggestions my therapist made was to keep a journal because it's a great coping tool. I wholeheartedly agree with this but I choose not to keep a private journal. I would rather share my thoughts publicly on this blog in the hope that maybe someone else might benefit from them in some way. It's also my way of owning my successes and failures and learning from both as well as documenting them so I don't repeat the past in some kind of perpetual ass-kicking.
Merry Effing Christmas
Oh, how the holiday season is upon us...ugh. I've never been a huge fan. Too commercial, too shallow, too materialistic. This time of year I rarely hear anything profound or inspiring--it's mostly just complaints about materialistic wants, obnoxiousness and spite, and a whole lot of lack of appreciation. It's stupid...here we are, hurtling through space surrounded by everyday miracles, experiencing amazing things and people, living in one of the most prosperous civilizations in recorded history and all we can do is whine about the things we don't have or how we wish we had better than what we have been given. I seem to be getting cornholed left and right but I am still able to look at my life and find joy in it. I'll admit that some days it's difficult to find a spot of joy. Just like everyone else, I sometimes posit the question "Why me?" I know that I cannot ask that question without also asking "Why NOT me?" I also cannot question whether I deserve the bad stuff without also questioning whether I deserve the good stuff, too.
The Good, The Bad, and the Unclassified
Things aren't inherently "good" or "bad;" they only become that way when we place those labels on them. It's a perspective thing, you see--for example, most would describe divorce as "bad." While my first inclination is to agree, my experience with this tells me otherwise. People enter and leave our lives for a reason. I am beginning to view my own pending divorce as a positive change for me and that there ARE valid reasons for it. This is helping me to avoid the pain of regret and shame. At this point, I'm not far enough along in that change to NOT think I would do things differently given the chance. I do still feel that way--I want to go back to the Nic of the past, shake the shit out of her, and deter her from ever embarking on this course in the first place. I want to warn her that her dreams are going to shatter into a million pieces, her heart will be broken, her self-esteem bruised and battered, and she will lose almost everything. I want to tell her to not bare her vulnerabilities to anyone and to keep the impenetrable wall around her heart intact because it's there for a REASON. Yeah, that would be the old "wish I knew then what I know now" bit. Yet...I find myself wondering what kind of person I would be now if it hadn't been for my actions then. I have learned a lot about myself and a lot about personal relationships from these experiences. I definitely feel that there has been some valuable insight gained from my troubles. So...for that reason, avoiding the tough times would be a cop-out. The easy way. Closing myself off to every bad thing will also keep me from experiencing the good stuff and that would be such a waste. While I still don't know what exactly I "did" and will always have a ton of questions, I have to accept the fact that I will never have any answers. That's not "good" or "bad;" it just...is...
Whateva, Whateva, I Do What I Want!
...which leads me to my next thought process. I'm sick and goddamned tired of others thinking that they know better than I do the manner in which I should conduct my life. Seriously...who knows better than I do how to live my own life? I like to think I'm uniquely qualified for the job. While I deeply appreciate the insights of others, unsolicited advice and criticism is completely unwelcome. Just because certain choices you made worked out well for you doesn't mean they will work out well for me. I'm going to make mistakes, I'm going to say the wrong thing at the wrong time, I'm going to do things of which other will disapprove, and I'm going to choose a path that will lead to nowhere. Those are my decisions to make and when it comes down to it, I am the only one who has to live with the outcomes of those decisions. Think about that the next time you wish to criticize someone for something you wouldn't choose to do or say yourself. That person has their reasons for doing as they do. Don't be a tool; be a good friend/family member and offer up your two cents' worth and leave it at that. Don't try to argue your point on why you're right and they are wrong...I know that with me, that is a surefire way to guarantee I will stop listening and not even take your opinion into consideration. I will not be bullied or coerced. Lastly, don't tell someone they shouldn't be mad, or sad, or whatever it is he or she feels, because there are others who have things much worse. No shit--everyone knows that. Things can always be worse. You might as well also tell that person they shouldn't be happy because there are others who have things much better. That sounds stupid, doesn't it? They both do! So zip it!
In sum: sure, I appreciate another perspective, just don't get all bent out of shape if I (or anyone else) don't agree with what you say or don't do what you think we should. We all have our individual sets of circumstances and that needs to be respected.