I'm meeeeelllllltttttiiiiinnnnggggg...

So, Minnesota weather has been cooperating quite well for the last few days. Much nicer to play Frisbee and ball when it's not hot enough to melt the toys (and the dogs!) to the sidewalk. Today on the other hand...not so much. I remember when I LOVED hot and humid weather. That was before chemo screwed up my internal thermostat. I am now quite happy with upper 60s and don't mind when it's chilly enough for hoodies. I still ABHOR our freezing winters, and as such am looking forward to the time when I will be back home in WA! There is just something so freakishly unnatural about chipping multiple inches of ice off of your sidewalk and being warned by the National Weather Service that being outside with any amount of bare skin will result in frostbite in less time than it takes one to say "It's f***ing cold out here."

I don't have any new photos of Sae Dee to share. This one was taken the same day she came home. I know, I know...I can hear it now: "Well, WTF have you been doing then??" I have been slowly but surely cleaning the house. One might be inclined to say that a hurricane tore through here, but I assure you that is not the case. In fact, it's something far less dramatic and newsworthy: when I arrived home from WI, I was so horribly sick that the only thing I was able to do was bring in the dog food and peel my clothes off before collapsing in the recliner. My week + recovery did nothing to minimize the mess I was creating just by being gross and sick. Ted heroically brought in my luggage and sundries, but I did not have the energy to put all of that away...and there it still lies. Don't worry, my love, it will all be nice and clean by the time you arrive home; I will then be back to my usual obsessive behaviors that consist of me following you around, turning off lights and pointing my finger at things that you leave in your wake such as pens, Post-Its, and junk mail, saying "Pick that up!" I will also obsessively move your important papers to stacks in your man-cave and not remember which stack is the most recent nor will I recall where the handwritten note with an important phone number or date or address made its way to. Love me, love my OCD coupled with chemo brain. I write myself reminder notes all over the house, but forget what they meant. Ignorance is NOT bliss, I can assure you!

So...had better get back to this mess before I lose motivation and decide to order pizza and watch a House marathon. I will leave you with this fabulous picture my friend took of Cody and I after I tossed him into the water tank.

I am also accepting ideas for the re-naming of my blog. I simply cannot come up with something that is catchy enough to attract new readers, is not heinously sarcastic, and encompasses the message I wish to convey. Comment or e-mail me with your ideas!

The End is the Beginning is the End

So...it has been a while. Again. There is a purpose to my absence, however. Some things have happened that took me a little bit to wrap my head around.

The position that I interviewed for was a position as a riding instructor and caretaker for a riding program in Wisconsin, at a girls' summer camp in Minocqua. A few days later I was offered the position! I accepted on the condition that I bring Harley and Cody with me, and they were just fine with that. A few days before we were to leave, I brought them to our new vet to have Cody's vaccinations brought current and to evaluate Harley's soundness to make the trip. Dr. Mead and I both agreed that she would be okay, and we decided on a medication protocol for her. Tramadol 3x day to control her pain without making her too drowsy, Pepcid AC for her reflux, and mirtazapine as an appetite stimulant. She made HUGE strides in the following 24 hours; enough that I was confident that she would be okay. I sure was looking forward to sharing this wonderful opportunity with my pups! We left on the afternoon of the 21st.

The trip itself took a little while because I made frequent stops to check the pups and give Harley her meds. It was really hot that day. They were making the trip pretty well until we were almost there. Harley began to pant and look uncomfortable, so when I arrived I had my new roomies help me give her some fluids. With that, meds on board, and a little bit of food in her, she seemed to come around. She curled up in bed with me that night and she seemed SO relaxed and content--more so than she had been in a long time! I was awoken the next morning by a loud thud. When I sat up, I saw that Harley had collapsed on the floor, gasping for air, with gums and tongue so pale they were white. She used what little strength she had to walk outside, and collapsed again. She never got up again--she passed away right there. I actually panicked; I hadn't expected that and I tried to look up veterinary clinics on my Android while keeping an eye on her. There was a part of my brain that took over and forced me to realize that I would never be able to get someone there fast enough; I wouldn't have even had time to place a catheter myself. The whole ordeal was over in less than 20 minutes. She passed at 6:33 a.m. on the 22nd of July. The details of those 20 minutes are only for me to know.

Needless to say, I was completely heartbroken. My new roomies helped me get Harley into my car, and I drove to a local clinic--Northwoods Animal Hospital--to have her cremated. They were GREAT and even though I wasn't a client, they treated me with as much respect and sympathy as if I were. They were also very respectful of Harley. When I returned to pick up her ashes, there was an employee standing by the entrance with a beautiful Border Collie on a leash. As I walked past them with the tears streaming all across my face, the BC looked at me and wagged her tail in such a manner that I couldn't help but smile through my tears. The woman then asked me if I wanted to adopt her. I looked at her, and she was serious. I couldn't help but think that this situation was more than coincidence--I was originally supposed to pick up Harley's ashes the previous day but I was held up at the barn. The fact that we were all at the same place and at the same time was uncanny. Long story short, I asked to take her back to camp with me for a few days to see how she fit with me and with Cody. Everything went VERY well, and I was all set to take her in...but her owners changed their minds. Sigh...so back she went.

My time at Clearwater Camp for Girls was amazing!! I shared a cabin with two other women, one of whom was the Head of Riding, and the other an instructor and caretaker as well. They were SO awesome--they had barely even met me when Harley passed away but were very sympathetic and helpful. They urged me to take the day off, and later that afternoon they brought me a sympathy card and some flowers. I was completely floored. I feel like the three of us got along pretty well and made a great team. I mostly tried to observe how things were run and stepped up to help teach during our lessons as well as participating in the care and cleaning. The riding program consisted of 14 horses, 3 instructors, and a decent but small arena. We taught English riding skills to girls between the ages of 8 and 16 and would go on the occasional trail ride. The girls are scheduled for at least one lesson a week; some girls want to take on more so they sign up to be an "extended" rider, which means they ride 3 days a week. Those girls had the opportunity to participate in a Gymkhana event, which was a LOT of fun and something they were pretty proud of! The entire camp consists of two sessions running from the end of June until mid-July for the first session, and mid-July until mid-August for the second. Many girls stay for the full 7 weeks. I happened to come at the start of the second session, and returned on the 18th.

Everyone I met there was completely amazing. They all feel very strongly about the camp and its intended purpose to provide the girls with great experiences. No one there was harsh or judgmental, and embraced the myriad of things that make us all unique. Ideas and thoughts about the camp, the girls, the program, the staff, each other...all were warmly welcomed. I received a LOT of sympathy from everyone about Harley, and everyone seemed to LOVE Cody. He kind of has that effect on people! I do hope that I am afforded the opportunity to return next summer--this was the first job I have had in a LONG time that didn't feel at all like a job. I felt like I belonged there. I had a TON of fun as well! Well, with the exception of the first day, and the last. I picked up some kind of nasty bug somewhere; the first day I was nauseated and vomiting; the second I was coughing and running a fever; by the time the morning of the 18th rolled around, I was heavily congested, feverish, and coughing so hard that I was gagging and vomiting and even made myself pass out a few times. I stayed in bed the entire day, and finally was able to leave late in the afternoon on the 19th. I have been laid up for the last eight days--went to urgent care and had a chest rad to rule out a fungal infection, and a culture for whooping cough. I haven't received the culture results yet. I'm feeling a lot better, but if I over-do things and try to do too much, I pay for it. Slowly but surely, I am recovering!

So...two new bits of news that are exciting for Ted and I. Ted took an active duty position with the Guard again. He is working in Range Control, which means he will be working to manage the safety and organization of training and live fire operations at Camp Ripley. Unfortunately, this means that he will be staying up there for the next year...again. The bonus: active duty benefits and pay. That includes 30 days of paid leave, so we will be able to see each other more than just on the weekends. Need I say more?

The second little bit of news: we have welcomed a new member into our little family. Her name is Sae Dee, and she is a six-year-old blue merle Australian Shepherd. I had been perusing through the herding dogs (like Border Collies, Collies, Shelties, Aussies, and others) posted on Petfinder for a couple of weeks, and I saw her photo and thought she was just stunning. I have always loved the blue merle variation in the herding dogs. When I had the little Border Collie girl staying with me at camp, it kind of showed me that while I am still grieving for Harley, there is enough love in my heart to give another buddy a chance. So...I e-mailed the rescue group that was caring for her and set up a "meet and greet" for Sunday (yesterday). Ted and I both fell for her, and she came home with us that day and she is now officially part of our crazy household! She and Cody are getting along; I am not sure that he is going to bond with her as he did with Harley but at least he is now beginning to come out of his depression a bit. He has seemed so lost without Harley. Sae Dee and Scooter are for the most part aloof from each other; she doesn't like Mickey so much but tolerates him as long as he keeps his distance.

For those of you who might criticize me for adopting a dog so soon after Harley's passing, don't. I am in NO way trying to "replace" Harley; that is impossible. I am still grieving for her, but I feel very strongly that wherever she may now be, she has been facilitating these "chance" encounters. The universe has aligned in such a way as to show me that in helping another pup have a chance at a happy life, I will be helping myself through the grief and sense of loss I am feeling.

I think this is where I will stop for now. I'm looking at this post and thinking, "Holy shit, no one is going to want to read all of this!!" If you do, you do...if you don't, you don't. I won't be offended either way, but I do hope that you will share my life with me through this blog. I am still considering changing the name, but I have yet to figure out an appropriate one. I will try a LOT harder to update more often so that I don't post these fricken novels all the time.

I hope everyone is having a great summer!! Seems like it is over way too quickly...I am dreading winter as I always do. Keep in touch, y'all!

Strings of FAB-U-LOUS!!

Quick update on Harley-boo:

She has been steadily but slowly improving this week. I think we have reached an impasse at this point. While she is pretty short on energy (and I'm working on that part), she doesn't appear to be in any distress and she is still interested in stuff, even though she doesn't really hop up and go bounding around like she used to. Except when we go outside. She loves being outside as much a possible, so we take a lot of short walks together while she carries her new tennis ball in her mouth. Her breathing is often quite short and shallow, and she seems to be expending increased effort on exhalation. I am equating that to my assumption that there are mets to the lungs, and there may just be a slight obstruction somewhere along the lines. She doesn't seem at all distressed, and since I am taking my cues from her, we just take things easy. She is still coughing, but there has been no change in the frequency. She eats kind of sporadically, so I am looking to supplement her with a multivitamin and extra calories.

Little piece of Nicole news: I interviewed yesterday for a position that I feel will be a good fit for me. I sensed some pretty good vibes from the interview, so hopefully I will be receiving an offer in the next few days! I'll keep you all posted!

Hanging Out

Just sitting around on a Friday night...no plans, Ted is still in Wisconsin. I thought maybe I could give a teeny update...or something.

I received some new pain meds last week, and they seem to be helping a little more. Think Advil on steroids...

what I was given is called indomethacin and it's typically given to people who have moderate to severe gout or rheumatoid arthritis to control the pain of flare-ups. I'm not quite as stiff and sore in the mornings, my hands don't ache nearly as much, and my knees and ankles aren't quite as painful. I'm still swollen, mostly in my legs, and I still can't wear my rings. Two more weeks and I will get to chat with a new neurologist and see what he has to say.

Yesterday, my friend Britt had to say goodbye to her faithful companion Gabe. Gabe is a Thoroughbred gelding who had been suffering from an autoimmune disorder this past year or so. It had come to the point that the treatment for the disease was just as bad as the disease, and flare-ups were becoming difficult to control. Britt made a decision that was not easy--one that was the final act of selflessness. She put the welfare of her friend before her desire to have him with her. I can respect that decision, and sympathize 100%. Gabe was a strong, sweet, brave, honest, and handsome horse, and he will not soon be forgotten.

Rest in peace, Gabriel--run free and untouched by the plague of illness, released from the prison of a broken body, as beautiful as the sunrise and swift as the desert wind.