If You're Reading This, That Means You're Not Shopping And I Will Still Respect You In The Morning

Ah, the holiday season...that magical time of year filled with the wonder of why we over-consume and under-appreciate. What is it about spending the money we claim we don't have enough of that drives us to do abnormal things like wait in line to spend the money we claim we don't have enough of? The first--and last--time I made an attempt at shopping on "Black Friday" was 1998. I went to Toys R Us in Tacoma to purchase a Furby for a friend's daughter. There were two left on the shelf. They were frustratingly talking to each other. I went to grab one and suddenly felt the pain of a thousand donkey kicks on the left side of my face. This woman totally sucker punched me to grab the last two and ran off before security could get there. I didn't even realize what had happened until the security guy (who was incredibly hot, by the way...wonder if he's still single...) picked me up off the floor. Yep...totally not worth it!! Besides...I have too much junk laying around as it is. But, in case you're feeling generous, I could use another Targus Laptop Chill Mat. That would be one of these:

Just sayin'.

This time of year always motivates me to remember the things that I am truly thankful for, this year especially. I have to admit that some days, it's difficult to find reasons to be thankful. I know those days are just a part of getting through all of this so I rarely despair...I simply wait it out until I remember that there are still good things in my life. I know that it can't rain all the time. I'm thankful that I'm still even around to be thankful in the first place. It's been almost four years since my rebellious body tried to shuffle off this mortal coil and take me with it. I'm thankful that I laid the beatdown on the Hodge. I'm thankful that my recent health setbacks seem to have been temporary and not too serious. I'm thankful for the people in my life who love, support, and stand behind me regardless of the unfortunate set of circumstances I have found myself in. I have been pleasantly surprised at the people who have not only stuck by me but have also provided support and assistance where they can. I've also been pleasantly surprised at the new people that have found their way into my life that accept me knowing that this is just a slight delay in my journey and have been able to see ME through all the layers of unfortunate situations--the ME I truly am. It all humbles me almost to tears. Yeah, yeah, I said TEARS. If you tell anyone, I will punch you. I have lost nearly everything--marriage, health, job, ability to support myself, my home, my car, financial stability and what I thought was a solid and promising future--yet the people who surround me with their friendship and support are doing so in a big way. I am starting completely over again and without these people, it would be a LOT more difficult than it already is. I couldn't ask for a better support system. Truly. You know who you are--thank you. Even if you think that you aren't doing much, I will tell you that simply being my friend and offering an ear to listen or just continuing to say "I've got your back" after all the bullshit I've been going through is a huge blessing to me.

Thank You.

So...I finally have a confession to make. I know there are those of you who are probably going to be a little irritated with me that I didn't tell you this personally but I hope that you will understand that I am simply doing what I need to do and if I failed to tell you, it wasn't because I was purposely trying to be rude or scandalous or something equally jerk-ish. Things happened fairly quickly and, well, it is what it is. Many of you know that my health has not been that great for the last few months. I was in & out of the hospital during November for various reasons--bacterial and viral infections for the most part but between those and the stress of being unemployed/financially unstable and the whole divorce mess, I was losing the battle for my health in a pretty big way. My landlords--who have also been amazing people and far more generous than they have a right to be--were finally like "okay...it's probably time we found a PAYING renter." Years from now, I will probably feel as terrible as I do at this moment about dragging them into this disgusting situation and while I know that it's not entirely my fault, I am taking responsibility for it because it's the right thing to do.  I should have recognized early on that the other responsible party was going to do everything possible to shirk that responsibility, that justice was not to come at that time, and taken steps accordingly. I failed to do that and that's my mistake--I own that shit. Period. I hope my landlords understand the depth of my appreciation. I know they're not a charitable organization--they have a business to run and their own bills to pay, which is why they are high on the list of people that I am thankful for. I hope they know that. But I digress...

Long story short, I have moved to WI to stay with my family through the winter. I really was having a difficult time health-wise, which was making it difficult to secure employment, and was facing homelessness along with the financial ruin I seem to be wallowing in. My mom finally made me understand that I really CAN'T do this on my own no matter how motivated I am to do so. So...my mom and my grandfather (my dad's dad) came out on the 6th to help pack & move. Took us five whole days to sort through it all, pack it properly, and clean up the house as best we could. My mom rented a U-haul truck and trailer (because I underestimated the amount of stuff that was still left, haha) and my dad found a storage unit here in WI for my stuff. We left the morning of the 12th, unloaded the truck and trailer on the 13th, and here I am now. Everything I own is either in the basement here at my folks' place or in storage here. And in case anyone was wondering, if I had to move it, it became mine. Period. I had a difficult enough time getting him out to unlock the garage and he never offered to help, not even when I asked him to take care of the disaster he left in the garage. He left the mess for me--including all the cleaning and repairs--so the way I see it, he has no more claim to anything that was left. 

So...my plan is to get a job (obviously), save a little scratch, and be back in the cities by spring. I love my family dearly but as I'm sure they are aware, there are multiple reasons why I wish to keep my stay here as brief as possible. If I can't be in Seattle, it seems that Minneapolis is the place for me...so one or the other is going to happen!! FYI, friends--I will be in town next week. Let me know if you would like to get together. I have a bunch of boring/tedious stuff to do and loose ends to tie up but might have some time for a little fun, so let me know!

I think I'm going to get back to my job hunt. Little to be had out here...and what there is doesn't pay well. Wish me luck!!

Strings of FAB-U-LOUS!!

Quick update on Harley-boo:

She has been steadily but slowly improving this week. I think we have reached an impasse at this point. While she is pretty short on energy (and I'm working on that part), she doesn't appear to be in any distress and she is still interested in stuff, even though she doesn't really hop up and go bounding around like she used to. Except when we go outside. She loves being outside as much a possible, so we take a lot of short walks together while she carries her new tennis ball in her mouth. Her breathing is often quite short and shallow, and she seems to be expending increased effort on exhalation. I am equating that to my assumption that there are mets to the lungs, and there may just be a slight obstruction somewhere along the lines. She doesn't seem at all distressed, and since I am taking my cues from her, we just take things easy. She is still coughing, but there has been no change in the frequency. She eats kind of sporadically, so I am looking to supplement her with a multivitamin and extra calories.

Little piece of Nicole news: I interviewed yesterday for a position that I feel will be a good fit for me. I sensed some pretty good vibes from the interview, so hopefully I will be receiving an offer in the next few days! I'll keep you all posted!

Hanging Out

Just sitting around on a Friday night...no plans, Ted is still in Wisconsin. I thought maybe I could give a teeny update...or something.

I received some new pain meds last week, and they seem to be helping a little more. Think Advil on steroids...

what I was given is called indomethacin and it's typically given to people who have moderate to severe gout or rheumatoid arthritis to control the pain of flare-ups. I'm not quite as stiff and sore in the mornings, my hands don't ache nearly as much, and my knees and ankles aren't quite as painful. I'm still swollen, mostly in my legs, and I still can't wear my rings. Two more weeks and I will get to chat with a new neurologist and see what he has to say.

Yesterday, my friend Britt had to say goodbye to her faithful companion Gabe. Gabe is a Thoroughbred gelding who had been suffering from an autoimmune disorder this past year or so. It had come to the point that the treatment for the disease was just as bad as the disease, and flare-ups were becoming difficult to control. Britt made a decision that was not easy--one that was the final act of selflessness. She put the welfare of her friend before her desire to have him with her. I can respect that decision, and sympathize 100%. Gabe was a strong, sweet, brave, honest, and handsome horse, and he will not soon be forgotten.

Rest in peace, Gabriel--run free and untouched by the plague of illness, released from the prison of a broken body, as beautiful as the sunrise and swift as the desert wind.

Hello all!!

Ho-ly COW!! It's been a ridiculously long time since I have been on here to update. That's a good thing, right? Yes!!

My last appointment with Dr. Datta (my onc) was at the end of September...nothing new to report! I don't see her again until December. The port is staying in for now--I will get to that in a second.

School is...okay. I took on a little too much at the beginning of the semester, but I have worked that out and am now working to get back on track. The good thing is that I am doing well in my classes. The semester is almost half over already...wow!! I've been really glad to get back into the swing of things and be busy.

Ted is still working at Camp Ripley. He is gone all week and is home on the weekends. His orders were extended to next October--yay--which means that he has a dependable job at least until next year!! Braxton-Hancock never called him back, and it sounds like they are still struggling. Ted will be going to Basic Non-Commisioned Officer Course next week--one step closer to becoming an officer in the National Guard. He's so smart, and everyone respects him, and he's getting the "in-charge" positions all the time. I'm very proud.

A spot of uncertain news concerning my health--this issue with my hands (weakness, muscle atrophy, numbness, loss of sensation, etc) and the residual swelling in my legs has come to the forefront of everything. I now have a considerable amount of joint pain and pain in my hands and forearms. My onc did a urinalysis a while back and there was apparently some protein in my urine, so she had me go see my regular physician, Dr. Tallman. Another urinalysis showed that my kidneys were fine and no protein. Any kind of kidney dysfunction would have explained the huge amount of water retention I seem to be experiencing. SOOO...Dr. Tallman thinks that the swelling in my legs and the issues with my hands may possibly be related by some sort of neuropathy (nerve disorder). A few years ago, I was pushing for some answers about whatever it is that is going on with my hands. I saw a few different doctors and was referred to the University neurology clinic. The doc I saw there was NOT proactive in the least--he did a blood test for a disorder called multifocal motor neuropathy--it's an autoimmune disorder where your immune system attacks the motor nerves in your extremities--and did not find the antibodies that would suggest this disorder. He told me that we would "wait six months and see what happens." Well, I was quite frustrated at that point and just figured that no one knew what was going on and that I would have to just push through it, and that it wouldn't get any worse. Well, it's getting much worse. I now have noticeable decrease in muscle mass in both hands and this relentless PAIN. I can barely wash my hair or dress myself, makeup has become an impossibility, brushing my teeth is very difficult, and I'm slow at work at drop things constantly. Dr. Tallman looked back through my chart and it appears that every doctor I saw felt very strongly about mulitfocal motor neuropathy. Had I known that, I would have been a little more proactive about getting a diagnosis two years ago. Now I'm in this situation where this is causing me considerable disabilty and I don't know what to do about it. Dr. Tallman referred me back to the University and urged me to be strongly vocal about finding a diagnosis. I have to know what's going on. I don't want to apply to vet school if two years into the program, I will be physically unable to do the work. If this is permanent and/or progressive, I have some decisions to make. I hate being in limbo like this. I see this neurologist on the 18th of November (soonest they could schedule me). I plan to be VERY vocal about what I want and why--if I can't get answers there, then I will find somewhere else. I'm tired of being in so much PAIN every day, I'm tired of feeling like I can't do anything, and I'm tired of being so exhausted all the time. I want some answers.

So, as far as the port goes, I have opted to leave it in for now. If this IS a multifocal motor neuropathy, the treatment for that is IV immunoglobulins and I figure it will be much easier to do that with a port. I'm tired of being poked. I just want to be fricken NORMAL for once--not have to worry about my health all the time. Sometimes I get absolutely frustrated and wonder why this has to happen to ME. I've worked hard to maintain my health through responsible diet and exercise, stress management, etc...and then there are people who abuse the snot out of their bodies and can run marathons and are perfectly healthy!! Those thoughts soon pass as I think of how much worse off I could be--I have SEEN how much worse I could be--and I become thankful for what I do have. I think of all the wonderful people who are no longer with us who obviously have had things worse than me. My heart aches for their families, and it is (unfortunately) those thoughts that put things into perspective for me.

So, in the coming months, we will see what happens. I am anticipating a muscle/nerve biopsy and tons more blood tests at the very least.

I hope everyone is doing well and getting geared up for the holiday season that is soon to be upon us!

Has it really been that long?

Wow, I didn't realize until today how long it's been since I last wrote anything. No news is good news, right? I really do need to get back in the habit of writing--it is so therapeutic.

Things have been kind of a rollercoast

er over the last month. My relationship with Ted has been very strained, and I hate to say this but it's because of money. I'm not working--my old job doesn't have any regular hours for me right now--and it doesn't look like I will be any time soon due to this crappy economy. I have come to realize that I can no longer afford to live in the house we are in. I hate that, because it means we have to move. I like our landlords a lot, I like the house and the neighborhood we live in. Plus I just flat out don't want to move. Of course, I get angry about it because if it hadn't been for the cancer, things would be fine because I would still be working. I know I can't dwell on that because I am bummed enough about our situation. I hadn't planned on having to look for another job until after I graduated--I am unprepared for having to interview with anyone. I have nothing nice to wear (the things I do have are too small now because of the stupid CANCER WEIGHT!!!). Buying stuff is out of the question. It is what it is...I just have to deal with it. I'm still having some trouble with my health insurance...that's a story all in itself so I'm not going to get into it here. It's slowly getting figured out, but all I can say is to those of you who support government backed health care, well, if it is going to be anything like what I have had to deal with then I'd rather go without. You can also ask anyone who has had to deal with the VA hospitals (which are government run), and they will tell you that government run health care is a bad idea in general. I agree.

I have my final PET/CT scans on Wednesday of this week. I'm sure they won't show anything new, so I'm not really anxious or anything (although the thought IS in the back of my mind, always). I'm actually more annoyed than anything, because I won't get to eat breakfast and I have to sit and try to nap for an hour. Stupid cancer has ruined everything, and now I'm left to try to put the pieces of my life back together.

My hair is growing back. I will post a pics soon. My eyebrows grew back completely about two weeks ago (darn it!), and I have to shave my legs again. But the hair on my head is growing back somewhat quickly--it's about 3/4 of an inch long. I've suddenly got all this peach fuzz all over my face that I never had before--you know, like what you have when you're a little kid. I hope it goes away soon because when I wear makeup it sorta makes me look like I've got a radioactive glow (and who would question that after I tell them what's been injected into my body? HAHA.).

On a more somber note, last week the cancer community lost a brave and inspiring young man. His fight against leukemia was long--most of his 12 years on this Earth--but he is finally at peace and without pain. His family has been left with a hole in their lives, but they are strong and they soldier on. Please, take a moment to visit the site of Kyle Lindgren and read the words his mom Denise had to say about her son. https://www.caringbridge.org/co/kylel/index.htm

I went to the Covey family reunion in Winner, SD this month and had a blast! It was fantastic to see everyone again, as well as meet a few new faces. I hope that I am able to do it again soon. I was also able to spend some time catching up with a very dear friend of mine. It was a really good trip.

That's all I have for now. I promise, I will try a lot harder to update more often...I miss writing.

I hope everyone is well!

Beautiful Day!

Windows open...check.
Shorts...check.
Flip-flops...check.
Dog shampoo...uh, check, but I will have to get some more after today.
Lots of clean towels...check.
Sunshine...wow, big CHECK.
Turn the TV off...check.
Make iced tea...check.
Plan for a walk tonight...check.
Cool mix on iTunes...check.

An absolutely perfect day. My desktop gadget says it's 72, my outdoor thermometer says it's 74. A slight breeze is rustling the tall trees in the back yard. It's days like today that inspire me, not the dreary days of winter and the unending cold. These days inspire me to do more, get out of the house, actually get dressed instead of parading around in my jammies.

I never in a million years thought that a diagnosis of cancer would change me so much. I've never been a homebody; sitting still for too long bores me. I enjoy getting outside, being with friends, exploring, helping. Lately, though, that doesn't seem to be me. I feel like I've been hiding out--most days, I don't even get dressed. I gotta change that. I need to stop taking for granted this second chance I've been given. I have my health back, and that is something I will never again take for granted. There's nothing like being healthy and feeling good.

I'm slightly nervous about going back to school in the fall, and not for the reason you might think. I've seen most of my friends since all of this craziness happened. What I'm nervous about is running into people I haven't seen in a while and having to explain everything that has occurred. I despise telling the same story, over and over again, which is why I started blogging. I just don't want to have to re-live all of this crap all over again. I'm also nervous about returning to my previous life with this different perspective. I find myself getting irritated when people complain about things--everyday things, like a late bus, a deadline for a paper, getting a bad grade, a shrunken sweater after it was mistakenly put in the dryer. These things seem so ridiculous to complain about now. I am just going to have to remember that my perspective is different than others, that their complaints are just as valid as mine (though I will still feel that some complaints are just ridiculous).

I think I will bathe my dogs today, and take the one that doesn't have allergies (Harley) for ice cream later. Poor Cody, I will shower him with treats later. Allergy boy can't have any ice cream, only fish and venison treats. It sounds like there is terriffic weather all over, so I hope everyone takes advantage!!