#timelyupdatesfail

Yeah, yeah, yeah...it's been a while. I have good reason, though. It has nothing to do with the Hodge, I promise.

I'm going to be a little vague with some of this, mostly because I want to cut the drama out. Drama is stressful and I just don't feel like detailing that at all. It's been quite difficult, which is why I haven't had a new post for quite some time. I just wasn't ready to open up about any of the things that have been happening. I feel I'm ready now, and my faithful readers deserve an updated

Where to begin? Right off the bat: Ted and I have been experiencing some difficulties in our marriage. He is, of course, away a LOT for training and his job at Camp Ripley. Most of what our difficulties stem from is money, my health, and money. Did I mention money? Things between us reached a boiling over point at the end of December. We decided at that time that a separation would be prudent, so he stays at Ripley and I have been spending a lot of time at my parents' place. We are working through our issues; we will both be seeking individual counseling as well as marriage counseling. A couple's retreat is also in the works but we have to wait for a time when Ted is not working or training. Our marriage is important enough to both of us that we are more than willing to work at it. We have a long road ahead of us.

I had to put my sweet Noel down on December 22nd. She would receive a steroid injection about every 2-3 months; this was to keep her eosinophilic plaques (think psoriasis for kitties) under control. It also had the added benefit of easing her arthritis pain. This fall, the time between injections had become shorter and shorter. Around mid-November, she began coughing and wheezing quite frequently and she hadn't been eating much, so off to the clinic we went. X-rays were taken and showed that her lungs were almost completely filled with...something. My best guess is that she had about 1/4 of usable space in her left lung. The right one was completely occluded. The doc and I both knew that this was likely a cancerous process. At that point, all I wanted to do was make her comfortable enough to enjoy what little time we had left. I opted to not biopsy the lung--I didn't want to stress her any more than necessary. It wouldn't change the outcome or how I was treating her. She received another steroid injection which was just shy of one month after the previous injection. She perked up a LOT after that so we added oral steroids and antibiotics. She was, incredibly, back to her old self--even racing up and down the stairs with the zoomies. Sadly, that didn't last very long. Two weeks later, she was declining again. She began to have some moderate respiratory distress  so I opted for another steroid injection and antibiotics. She didn't respond to the treatment and at that point, I knew that our time was short. She declined RAPIDLY. Within a few days, she was again in respiratory distress and she wasn't eating or using the litter box. That was when I knew it was time. We snuggled on the couch all night--she was purring the whole time. The next day--goddam it, I can't even write this without tears. FARK. The next day at 10:33 a.m., she slipped away peacefully in my arms while the doc and I stroked her her tiny head and frail body. We hugged each other, shed our tears and took comfort from the knowledge that my little peanut was now free of her broken body.

I knew months ago that this was going to be difficult for me. To lose both Harley and Noel, in the same year, a mere few months apart (and both on the 22nd of the month) was just too much for me, I think. I don't feel that I have been dealing with this well--or really, at all. I know that I need to face this but every time I try to do so, my brain just shuts me down so I don't or can't. My coping skills are pretty much non-existent. They always have been. I don't know what to do with the pain so I just smash it all down inside. YES, I know that this isn't the way to go about things but my brain feels that shut-down mode is the best way. At times, it has been--when Harley passed I poured all of my energy into my work. I felt that I had a job to do and that it should take priority. I simply took it too far, I think, and even when the job was done I didn't do anything about the pain in my heart. I feel like I will deal when I'm ready to.

7/12/2012: I wrote this post ages ago and will be posting again shortly with the rest of the disaster that is my life. Stay tuned!!

No, I haven't disappeared...

Wow. It's been a REALLY long time since I have posted anything at all on my blog. I apologize for that, and I assure you that it wasn't due to a health crisis!

The pic was taken at the Taste of Minnesota last year during the Seether/Offspring/311 concert. Which was AMAZING!

The last year and a half has been a steady string of difficulties, both financial and otherwise. As most of you already know, Ted and I were married last year. That has been the highlight of it all. We have experienced a LOT of financial issues ranging from Ted's pay constantly getting screwed up by the ARNG and his coming off of active duty to no civilian job, to me losing my job in March. A week after I lost my job, I nearly lost my sweet Harley to a burst spleen that was the result of hemangiosarcoma--cancer. With help from my mom (thanks, mom!!!), we bought her some time with an emergency surgery to remove her spleen. Hemangiosarcoma is pretty much a terminal condition. We nearly lost our home and had our power shut off this month, but were able to secure financial assistance through the VA. They also provided us with some food from their food shelf. I finally had to take a break from school as my grades were dropping precipitously, so I have taken spring and summer off and plan to resume in the fall. I have not been able to secure employment yet. My neuropathy has been accelerating--I am now losing muscle in both hands and the pain was becoming so debilitating that I wasn't getting much sleep. My regular doc put me on gabapentin and an antidepressant, which seem to be helping for now. One bright spot has been that Ted went back to work with Braxton Hancock (the company that laid him off over two years ago) two weeks ago. I don't want to elaborate too much on those details just yet; what I DO want to do is share something with all of you--especially those who know me as kind of a cynical, sarcastic jerk. While that is definitely what makes up most of my personality, those close to me (especially Ted) get to see a different side of my psyche on occasion. Below are a few excerpts from something I wrote for Ted. Yes, there was a lot more, but that is between Ted and me ;-)

Music speaks to me. I don't know how else to describe it. It's like I can see the keys and chords. Every note is a vision into an interpretation of the melody and lyrics and every bar is a cohesive explanation of what brings the sounds together to create something representative of the full intention behind the music. That is the reason I have picked up many different musical instruments and always have an open mind to musical interpretation. Anyhoo, the whole point of this is that while ALL music speaks to me, especially that which I have written myself, there is a very small subset of songs from other musicians that dig me out of my own universe and speak even louder. I'm not a very emotional person and talking about matters of the heart like this is VERY foreign to me; I feel that the music that I love is able to stir me up and connect me with emotions I am typically detached from. The first time I heard this song, it reached right into me and reflected the love, frustration, and desperation I try to deal with every day. So, while these words and this melody are not of my creation, I think the music in all its entirety reflects how I feel far better than I am able to express on my own. The band is called The Script, and they hail from Ireland. I think they are very talented and very in touch with the music that is inside of them. It seems that every time I feel overwhelmed by our string of bad luck, this song pops onto the radio. I know it's a coincidence, but it's a helpful one for me and I just keep plugging away.

"For The First Time"

She's all laid up in bed with a broken heart,
While I'm drinking jack all alone in my local bar,
And we don't know how,
How we got in to this mad situation,
Only doing things out of frustration

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard,

She needs me now but I can't seem to find the time,
I've got a new job now on the unemployment line,
And we don't know how,
How we got into this mess
is it god's test,
Someone help us 'cause we're doing our best,

Trying to make it work but man these times are hard

But we're gonna start by
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying things we haven't for a while
A while ya
We're smiling but we're close tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time

[x3]
Oooooo

She's in line at the DOLE*
With her head held high (high)
While I just lost my job but
Didn't lose my pride

But we both know how,
How we're gonna make it work when it hurts,
When you pick yourself up,
You get kicked to the dirt,

Trying to make it work but,
Man these times are hard,

But we're gonna start by,
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,

Doing things we haven't for a while,
A while ya,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting for the first time.

Ooooo
[x3]

Yeah.....
Drinking old cheap bottles of wine,
Sit talking up all night,
Saying thing we haven't for a while,
We're smiling but we're close to tears,
Even after all these years,
We just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time

ooooo...., yeahh for the first time
(ooooo....), oh for the first time,
Yeah for the first time,
(just now got the feeling that we're meeting...
For the first time)

[x4]
Oh these times are hard,
Yeah they're making us crazy
Don't give up on me baby

{* DOLE is the unemployment line in Ireland}